Roller Coaster of Life

Thursday morning was great. Cameron woke up very excited because his Pop Pop (aka my father in law) was going to do a presentation in his class. He could not wait, so he was in a very happy lets get to school mood. Since he's had such a rough time with well...everything lately, to see the smile on his face and the excitement in his voice was priceless. Then I added to it by telling him that Pop Pop and Grandma would be having lunch with him and you would have thought he had won the lottery. It broke my heart though because when I told him he said "yay, then maybe somebody will want to be my friend so they can eat outside with us". Yep, the words cut through me like a knife. He doesn't feel as though he has any friends. What breaks my heart even more is he really doesn't. He doesn't know how to really play with other kids, he wants to play with them but on his terms. It is sad to watch your son be lonely, it's hard to watch him not fit in. So, for him to think that maybe, just maybe someone would want to be his friend so they could go outside to eat broke my heart into pieces. From what Cameron told me, the presentation and lunch were awesome. Yay, for having a great morning! 

Then came pick up time...the happy face I had dropped off that morning to school came out sad and with tears in his eyes. His teacher told me he had just finished a melt down because he had lost one of the gifts his Pop Pop had given the class. When I went to ask him where he thinks he left it to try and help him the meltdown started all over again. The tears, the screams, the running away. I had to chase after him, thankfully not far because he almost ran into a car. She said his day was good up until the end and then it was like another child was in Cameron's body and the meltdown was bad, very bad. Thankfully once again his other teacher saved the day and had an extra gift and gave it to him and told him it was his and that she had found it. Once we got to the car he started crying and screaming again, he was still upset about losing the gift, then was worried that his Pop Pop would be upset with him for losing it (he would never have been upset, but Cameron builds things up big in his head) and then he was just screaming with huge tears coming down his face and I knew I had lost him again. The meltdowns really are like someone takes over his body, it is sad and scary. This one was short though, I got him calmed down, reminded him no one was mad at him and everything was going to be ok.

Today was a good day though. I picked him up from school and he came out with smiles and a star award for having such a good day. Since he hasn't had any in awhile the teacher made sure to make him feel good for having one. She told me there were no meltdowns, he listened and he only had one accident. This a type of day we celebrate! So we headed to the store to get special drinks aka slurpees and he was in heaven. I had my happy boy and it was really nice. Peyton was happy to have her happy brother and they were laughing and playing.

Then came the meltdown, again, another one after such a great day. I asked him to do something, he didn't understand why and just right there sat on the floor and started a complete meltdown. The kicking of chairs began, the hitting of the floor and almost knocking his head on the corner of the wall. I wanted to rewind and go back to the fun and laughing we were just having minutes ago. I, so want to make it easier for him to communicate with me. I know the meltdowns are happening bigger right now because he has a lot of confusion, anxiety, etc in him right now and he can't figure out how to express it, he doesn't understand it.

Since he's had a cough for a few days I took him to the doctor. There he was the funny little boy that I love to be around. He was joking with the nurse and doctor. The nurse asked me what was wrong with him and he said "you don't have to ask my mommy what's wrong with me I can tell you". She said ok, what's wrong Cameron and he gave her his symptoms. He was so proud of himself and then joking with the doctor. We found out he has walking pneumonia. Yippee! More medicine for him to take, three more to be exact. He was once again happy, though he didn't feel good and was coughing like crazy, he was happy.

But, what once was a happy boy went to another meltdown to end the night. Why you ask? We haven't really figured that out, but it was one that lasted a good 30 mins. This time though not only is he screaming, crying and kicking things, we have Peyton crying. I now have a little girl who doesn't understand any of this that is going on, so she has started crying and screaming when she is upset. Not because I believe she has autism also and these are signs starting to show. But because she sees her older brother who she loves and adores having these constant meltdowns and she thinks it's what you're suppose to do when you're upset. So, we ended the night with two crying children, with two parents who wanted to join them. I was able to get Peyton to stop crying and she said "but Cameron's crying", so she's just copying what she thinks she is suppose to be doing. Cameron went to bed still upset, but hopefully will wake up in a much better mood.

So, in the past two days we have been on a constant roller coaster of emotions. Who am I kidding, this is our life. When the highs are there, they are amazing and make the lows disappear! But, when the lows are there they are lower than anyone can imagine. Right now with Cameron we are having some serious lows. I wish this roller coaster would stop or at least be a fun ride, not just for us but for him. He deserves a few days of just pure happiness with no meltdowns, no worries, just being a little boy. Peyton deserves a few days of not seeing any of this. I worry about Cameron because of his autism, but I also worry about Peyton just as much. She is so little and can't understand any of this that she is seeing and is still too young for me to try and explain to her why her brother has these issues. This roller coaster of life is one that all four of us are on. One that we would like for at least a couple days for it to be a fun, can't catch your breath because you're laughing so hard while on the ride, kind of days.

It IS Him...

Today was Cameron's neurologist appointment, which meant I had to pick him up early from school. Go to the office to sign him out only to be stopped by the assistant principal, talking to me about a big meltdown he had today and one that ended up with him trying to run away from his teacher. Not what I was hoping to hear when I go to get him. She and I had a really nice talk, she's just as wonderful as his teachers. I am ready for the other shoe to drop at some point and him not be surrounded by caring teachers but right now that is the one thing that is going in our favor. We talked about how he's really starting to understand his differences, ok let's be honest he doesn't understand any of it. He's starting to really notice his differences, which we believe is an internal struggle that is causing him to have some other serious issues. So, as you have probably began to realize I am an emotional person, this encounter with her was no different. I held back tears, his issues are getting worse and I know, I have already seen this, talked about, cried about it, but it's different when your sons assistant principal talks to you. No matter how wonderful she is, it hits home harder that he's having a hard time and there's nothing I can do about it. So tears wiped away I went and picked him up from class. There he is, running up to see me so happy and young at heart. Now, yes again I realize he is only 6 but when I say young at heart, I mean he may be 6 but socially he is about 3.

We head to the neurologist appointment and we waited for an hour before being taken back. If you want a reminder of how good your life really is, sit in that waiting room seeing children with much worse issues and parents struggling a lot more than you. This was a new neurologist, so I wasn't sure how Cameron was going to handle it. Once we got called back, Cameron I could tell was getting nervous and hyper. Luckily we didn't wait long at all once we were finally back with the doctor and the doctor was soft spoken and great with Cameron. Then he talked to Bryan and me about Cameron's current issues, went through all of the meltdowns, mood swings, aggression, anxiety, you name it we went through all of it. At the end we heard, "this is going to be Cameron's life. This is all a part of his Autism and he's going to hit really low, lows and there's really nothing anyone can do for him but to just be there." Well, thanks for nothing is what I thought at first. Yes, I know he's Autistic and yes I know some of this is a part of what is him, but that's it? There's nothing you can do for him? Then it was like someone slapped me back into reality and said yes, Crystal this is it. This is the life that Cameron is going to have and no matter how many doctors you go to, nothing is going to change it. They're not going to tell you the other 100 doctors were wrong and he doesn't have Autism. They're not going to tell you that they have the magic wand to make all of his problems go away. Accept that this is his life and just try to do everything you can for him. I don't want him to not have Autism, because it makes him the little boy he is. But I really don't want him to have to go through all of these struggles in life. I don't want to have to worry about his 3 hour meltdowns that occur over nothing and worry that during those he may hurt himself. I don't want him to go through all of these struggles internally and not know how to handle any of it. I guess in a way I wanted the doctor to all of a sudden have that magic wand that I so wish I had and use it to help him. But, the reality is setting in, there will never be a magic wand. He is autistic, he is going to have these struggles. But, his Autism and his struggles are making all of us stronger. They are teaching Bryan and me so much about life and helping us learn to accept things the way they are. As any parent though, autistic parent or not when you see your child hurting you want to fix it and the hardest thing is knowing you can't.

So, after the talk with the assistant principal and the neurologist and well lets be honest facing a lot of reality. I realized today that at some point we may have to look at putting Cameron in a special Autism school. Something I have struggled with internally and I'm not sure exactly why. He has Autism, so why do I struggle so hard about sending him to a school for Autism? I don't understand why I am struggling so hard with this, but I am. I don't think we're there yet, but I do think it will be something that Bryan and I will have to seriously consider in the future.

I may not have a magic wand, but I am beginning to see that I have something better. I have a son that is teaching me about a life I never imagined....a life that is better than I could have ever imagined.

“If I could snap my fingers and be nonautistic, I would not. Autism is part of what I am.”
― Temple Grandin

The Spoken Word

After my conversation last night with Cameron about his Autism, I really was not sure what to expect when he woke up this morning. He seemed to be in a good mood, upset that he wasn't allowed to take a toy into school (a new rule that just started yesterday and one that caused a huge meltdown) but other than that he was in a pretty good mood. At drop off this morning I spoke with his teacher about the bullying and as I knew she would because she is an amazing and caring teacher, she said she would take care of it if she witnessed it or if Cameron came and told her about it. Then, once again with Cameron you have to expect the unexpected he walked up to his teacher and said "I have Asperger's which my mommy says is also called Autism and it makes things harder for me." I had never heard him speak those words to anyone and it brought me internally to my knees and tears to my eyes. His teacher without even flinching said "Cameron, it is what helps make you special and it is not a bad thing." He started to talk to her a little bit about it and at one point he said to her "well, ya know it makes it hard for me to understand people and what they are feeling. Like you look really mad right now, are you mad?" As I stood there listening to this conversation I was proud of him, he was talking about it and you could hear in his voice that he was sad about it, but I really don't think he understands why he's sad. He doesn't understand his emotions or others so I am sure he doesn't understand it. His teacher told him "people without Asperger's have issues understanding people, so I don't want you to worry about that today, you're a great kid and I feel lucky to have a kid like you who has Asperger's in my class." I could see a little glimpse of happiness in his face, I was wiping away my tears and he looked at me and said "mommy, she thinks I'm ok" and he walked off. The teacher and I talked for a little bit about it and how she would handle it if he talked about it more to her today and she said she had to hold back tears because of how he was talking to her about it. I left him today with a sad heart because he's starting to realize his differences, I mean really see them. But all he's seeing right now are the bad things. The things that other kids are pointing out to him as being annoying or weird. But he spoke the words...he said "I have Asperger's" and he heard from someone else besides Bryan and me that he was ok.

I picked him up from school to find out he had a better day but a few rough spots. He didn't bring it up again she said, but she said he was a little off. I tried to talk to him but he didn't want to talk, so I didn't push it. I had my first meeting for our Autism Speaks Walk Now For Autism tonight and he and Peyton went with me. There were two other little boys there that are on the Spectrum and they played while we had the meeting. There were a couple of meltdowns for both Cameron and one of the other little boys but for the most part it was a good night.  On the way home he said to me, "mommy does BLANK have Autism like me?" I told him yes and he says to me "thank you for taking me there to play with someone like me". It completely breaks my heart right now that he is going through all of these feelings and doesn't understand any of them. I know because if you has ask him what sad, confused, upset, etc mean he can't tell you. And unless you have a smile on your face he believes you are mad, he doesn't understand any of these emotions. Before bed I gave him an extra kiss goodnight and told him how much I loved him. I didn't bring anything else up, I think he's going through enough and I don't need to bring it up unless he wants to talk about it.

I hope one day, sooner rather than later I can help him to not feel so alone and to not feel like his Autism is a bad thing. Being different isn't a bad thing but we live in a society that makes us all believe it is. My remarkable little boy is laying in bed asleep right now and my hope is when he wakes up tomorrow he is feeling just a little better about himself. He also has his neurologist appointment tomorrow and I am hoping to get some more answers for his mood swings, melt downs, etc. So, tomorrow will hopefully be a day of answers and happy thoughts.

Expect the Unexpected

Our house has come to learn to always expect the unexpected, especially when it comes to Cameron. He had a pretty rough day at school, a big meltdown and had decided when he got in my car at pick up that he was never going back to school again. I had been putting off him putting together this big fossil TRex thing he got from my mom for Christmas because I was worried that it may be too difficult for him. So to cheer him up I told him we could do it today and that's when he informed me he wanted to do it all by himself. I thought oh great, my plan to cheer him up is going to fail miserably if he can't do this by himself. He hit a few bumps when doing it, but he worked through it and he put the entire thing together! I was so proud of him, this project was very hard and he did it. He seemed to be completely over his bad day at school and was happy to have finished his TRex.

Bed time rolls around and as I am reading him a story he says to me "mommy, my Asperger's ya know also called Autism...it makes it hard for me to understand people, right?" Here is where I need to remind myself to always expect the unexpected with him. I finish the book and send Peyton to hang with daddy for a little bit so I can answer his question. I had a talk with him over the summer explaining his Autism to him when he started asking questions about himself. But since then he hasn't brought it up so I was really caught off guard tonight when he asked his question. We started talking about it and I said do you have any other questions about it buddy. His response "yes, does it make me annoying or weird?" My heart immediately sunk, I knew he didn't just make these words up, I knew he had heard them somewhere. I said "Absolutely not, why would would you say this?" Here's the response I knew was coming "because mommy, Blank calls me annoying all the time and today he called me a weirdo. The other day Blank and Blank called me a weirdo too and told me no one likes me or wants to play with me." The bullying is starting and he's only 6! Holding back my tears as much as I could I tried to explain to him that his Autism doesn't make him any of these things and he is an incredible little boy. We have an actual conversation about his Autism, something I think he was ready for and I sat there shocked, saddened and proud all at the same time by some of his questions and thoughts. I asked him if he ever told anyone about his Autism and he said "no mommy, they already call me weird and annoying, I don't want them to laugh at me because of this too, because they don't have this so I know they will make fun of me". My heart is now shattered into a million pieces but I didn't let him know or see this. I tell him that daddy and I are proud of him for having Autism because it makes him the wonderful little boy he is and we start to go through the list of positives. His favorite was that he says it helps him to be so smart about animals and dinosaurs. He turns to me and with this innocent look says "I am so glad you, daddy and Peyton love me and my Autism even if everyone else doesn't". To be six years old, have feelings but not really understand them or how to express them but to know what you're feeling isn't happy thoughts. We talked for a little while longer and then he called Bryan and Peyton in for us to do our nightly prayers. He talked for a few minutes to Bryan about it and Bryan reassures him how much we love him and are always here for him. He gives us hugs and kisses and off to bed he goes, seeming to be feeling a little better.

I am not ready for the bullying, not ready for his differences to come shining through to all of his classmates. I am not ready for Cameron to already be going through all of this but not understanding any of it. But I have no choice, if he has to start dealing with it I, as his mom, his advocate and his biggest fan have to deal with it too. I will say, I caught myself about to say I am sorry you have Autism but instead I said I am proud you have Autism. I am not sorry he has it, it makes him....him. I am sorry for the struggles in life he will have because of it, but I am not sorry he has it. One step at a time and together we'll make it through this journey....

I Am Sorry

Today a friend and her son came over and Cameron had a mini meltdown and I said I am sorry to her for it. Not because she seemed to need to hear it, but because I felt as though I had to say it. Then I said I am sorry for how he was playing with her son and again not at all because she seemed to want me to say it or needed me to say it but because I felt as though I had to say it. After she left I felt like I needed to send her a text or a phone call saying again how sorry I am for Cameron's issues and how he doesn't understand how to play "with" a lot of children and how I am sorry for his meltdown, his inappropriate behavior, for him being him. Then I started to think of how I often I say I am sorry each day.

I say I am sorry to family, friends and strangers every day for Cameron's behavior. For him not acting the way other children do or for him having his meltdowns. I say I am sorry that we can't go places in fear that he won't be able to handle it and will act crazy or will not know how to play with the other children and they will get mad at him. I say I am sorry to strangers when he says things that usually are the truth but aren't really appropriate to be said. Or I say I am sorry for him having a meltdown at a store, library, etc because he can't handle something, something is too loud, he is on sensory overload and doesn't know how to handle it, etc. I say I am sorry to family for his issues and that we can't go to everything they think that we should. I say I am sorry to friends because I am usually so preoccupied thinking about everything I have to do for Cameron that I don't listen all of the time when they're talking or I can't go places with them because I have to stay home because Cameron is having a bad day or because Cameron is having a good day and I don't want to miss it because these days it doesn't happen often.

At night after everyone is asleep I cry to God, telling him how sorry I am for failing him each day by my mistakes in being Cameron's mom. I say I am sorry to him that I continue to struggle with Cameron's Autism and accepting that this is our life. I sit there and say how sorry I am that I am not more grateful for this amazing little boy that he gave me and this life that he has blessed me with.

I sneak into my children's bedrooms at night and while they are sleeping I sit there and tell them how sorry I am for the mistakes that I make every day with them. I tell Cameron how sorry I am for always saying I am sorry to other people for him just being him. I tell him I am sorry for struggling with his Autism and all that makes him the wonderful little boy that he is. He lays there sound asleep and I sit there telling him how sorry I am for failing him. I sit next to Peyton as she lays there so sweet and sleeps so sound and tell her how sorry I am for not always being able to give her the attention she deserves because I am so busy with Cameron's therapies, school meetings, doctor's appointments, meltdowns, scheduling, etc. I tell her how sorry I am that she is so little and doesn't understand all of this and I fail her each day with helping her to understand.

I tell Bryan I am sorry every day for not being the wife I should be. I fail him daily and despite it all he loves me unconditionally. I say I am sorry for not always having the house cleaned, dinner cooked, laundry done, etc. I say I am sorry that I am not a better wife to him and that usually if I have had a bad day he is the one who receives the backlash.

I am most sorry to Cameron because by saying I am sorry to the friends, family and strangers for him being him, I am not showing him that I accept him for being the wonderful, interesting, imaginative, caring, funny little boy he is. I am sorry for failing him and trying to make him be someone he is not and can not be. I love him more than words could ever express and I would not change him for anything. He has opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed, an amazing world that I get to see through his eyes.

One day I will stop saying I am sorry so much and I will say different words like "this is him" or "this is my amazing life". I tell him every day how much I love him, now it's time to stop saying I am sorry for him and to truly accept him. I am sorry for not being the mom, wife and friend that I should be...this world of a special needs mom doesn't come easy or come with a manual and I am still figuring it all out. I am sorry.

We Saw the Sun

Oh what a week we had, so when Saturday came knocking on our door I was more than happy to answer. Peyton had plans to spend the day with my in-laws, it was their birthday present to her...a day just the three of them. So, it was just going to be Bryan, Cameron and me. It has been a very long time since it has just been the three of us and since our week pretty much stunk, we decided we wanted to go and do something fun. So... what should we do? Well, we asked my little animal lover and he said "I want to go to the zoo to see my animal friends", so off to the zoo we would go. Though when we were driving there I kept looking at the cloudy, cold sky and thought..Saturday I answered the door when you knocked, so you better be good to us, we NEED you to be good to us! Mother Nature you are not allowed to have these cold and clouds on our day, we are ready to see some of Cameron's animal friends and they don't like the cold and clouds...at least according to him they don't. We got to the zoo about twenty minutes before they opened, if you know us you know that we are never late to anything...always early. We have yet to determine if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, we were early, so we sat in the car and Cameron watched his show. As we sat there I kept having a talk with Saturday and with Mother Nature and I was determined they were going to listen to me. What was I going to do if they didn't you ask? Sit and cry or just yell and be locked up in a white jacket for being the crazy lady in the middle of the zoo screaming at Mother Nature and Saturday for ruining what I was determined was going to be a great day!

We got out of the car and wouldn't you know, we saw the sun! The sun was breaking through the clouds and smiles were coming on all three of our faces. Cameron was very excited to be there and to be going to see his animal friends. We had a great time walking through the zoo, laughing, listening to him tell us all about the different animals and talking to the animals. He is our Dr. Dolittle and I truly believe with his determination these animals understood what he was saying to them. I got to hear his excited and happy voice, something I haven't heard a lot this week.  Saturday and Mother Nature listened to me and the sun was shining on us and our day.

After the zoo and lunch we headed home to play. He wanted to play outside with his new basketball I  bought him at a yard sale. We determined today that basketball will not be his sport, he and dribbling do not go hand in hand. Coordination is not his strong area, but that is quite common with children on the spectrum. But he had fun so it doesn't really matter. When we headed out back to play, Cameron saw a fish jump in the pond behind our house so he decided he wanted to fish. If you have ever seen the movie UP, he is similar to the dog, where he gets easily distracted by his own "squirrels". So, since it's his day, Bryan went and got their fishing poles and they fished. Cameron's patience level was reaching a max when all of a sudden they got a tug and realized they had a fish. Cameron caught his first fish today! I had tears of pride, Bryan was beyond proud and Cameron was on cloud nine. Now, don't get me wrong he caught it but he is just like me and was not about to actually touch it. So. Bryan took it off and threw it back in. But, he caught it and he was doing his happy dance! So, today not only did we see the sun but we danced in it's shining warmth. After that Bryan and I spent the next thirty minutes promising Cameron, our little animal lover that he didn't hurt the fish and it was really back in the water swimming with his fish family. But, once he realized the fish was ok he wanted to catch another one.  They didn't catch a second fish but he was happy with the fact that he caught his first fish so all is well in his fishing world.

The rain poured on us this week and will probably hit us again soon. But for now, I am happy that the sun shined brightly on us and we had a day that none of us will ever forget. These are the type of days that most take for granted but that we cherish and are more than thankful for because we don't know when another day like this will happen again.

No Dancing Here....

I don't like this change! I don't like the loud noises! I am not having a good day! Yes, those were three sentences said to me quite a few times today by Cameron. Though, that is not how it started. He did wake up happy, it was Friday and all was good in the world. He is very similar to the little boy in Jerry Maguire, with his random facts of knowledge...though he doesn't tell me how much the human brain weighs. Instead he wakes up and right away tells me random facts about animals or dinosaurs. He gets so excited to just blurt out all of the facts that he knows, it really amazes me his knowledge about animals and dinosaurs. He has a passion for it, a passion that lights up his eyes and you can hear his voice change to a happy, this is what I love tone. He loves animals and dinosaurs and he reads and reads and reads about them every chance he gets. He also watches the show Wild Kratts EVERY day and it is all about animals. It's on at 5:00 pm Mon-Fri in case you were wondering and no there is not a night that we are allowed to miss it. Starting at 4:30 every day there is a count down to 5:00 and for 30 minutes he is in his heaven. There could be worse shows he wants to watch, so I will happily take this. I will say I sing the theme song in my head all day, oh who am I kidding, I sing it out loud in the car like I am the next American Idol! We all feel like the Kratt brothers are a part of our family, as much as we watch them, read about them, play their games, they should be a part of our family.

So skip past our morning at home and head to school, where his homeroom teacher wasn't in the room....so he panicked. "Where is Mrs. ....., mommy? Why isn't she here, mommy? She is suppose to be sitting in that chair right there to take my quarters for my popcorn because it's Friday and that is where she sits on Fridays mommy...where is she?" In a matter of two minutes I heard all of that with his big eyes staring at me in shear panic. His teacher was just in a meeting and was right next door but he didn't understand why this change was happening and he definitely didn't like it. When she did enter the room he was already upset about her not being there that he got even more upset when she didn't go right to the seat that she is suppose to sit at every Friday according to him to take his quarters. I tried to convince him to give them to her when she was standing up but he wasn't having it. "That is NOT where she takes the quarters mommy, she has to be sitting RIGHT THERE in THAT CHAIR, NOT standing up!" Then I thought....Oh happy Friday dancer in my head that music isn't going to be playing this morning, maybe you can go back to bed and we'll try again this afternoon. Once he was able to give her his quarters he was somewhat happy, though still not happy because she didn't sit in THAT chair to take them.

Fast forward to pick up and I could just tell by the look in Cameron's eyes that he was still having a rough day.  He got in the car and started to tell me about his day and just got upset. He said "everything was wrong today mommy, everyone was loud and I just didn't like it." He has days where things seem much louder to him than they may seem to us, he has sensory issues and doesn't know how to handle them. We talked and I found out that he cried a little bit but he didn't know why he cried. When we got home he wanted to be left alone, so even though that is really hard for Peyton to understand because when he gets home she is beyond excited to play with him...I made her stay away from him. He came to talk to Bryan and me and all of a sudden just ran away screaming and crying. What just happened? Did we say something? No, we didn't really say anything. Oh crap, we laughed and he thought we were laughing AT him not WITH him. So, I went after him and he collapsed in my lap just crying and shaking. I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong but at first he couldn't which broke my heart. Then he just said "it's just too loud, I don't like everything being SO loud!!" I just wanted to cry with him. He is having a really bad day....not a three hour, banging head, slamming door bad day. But a over sensory, very little boy stuck in a big boys body bad day. This is suppose to be our happy Friday! We are suppose to be doing our HAPPY Friday dance and yet life decides no music will be playing and no dancing will be happening!

So, our night did not go as we had planned...but then again most nights don't go as planned. He ended the night with a bad fall in our shower, huge lump on his head and again many more tears.  So Friday...I am glad you are almost over and Saturday you better be nice to us!