Please Do Not Judge

Since today was a holiday, Cam was happy to have the day off from school. He was in a pretty good mood, so I braved heading to the store with both him and Peyton. When he's having an off day, I do not brave this...why put myself in a position for him to have a complete meltdown when I know I can avoid it. We headed to the store, both of them were good, so I almost felt like I was living in the twilight zone. But, we got to the check out and the cashier was trying to be polite and make conversation with the Cam. So she asked him if he liked school and of course his response was no I hate it. Now, trust me I know most children do not like school, but Cam right now has a much different reason. He actually loves to learn, but right now he is struggling with not fitting in and not having any friends. So, the lady was shocked by his answer and her response was to me and not him. She said "you shouldn't allow him to have these feelings about school so young. You should really work with him more and encourage him more." Well, I didn't have to respond because Cam did, which she is lucky that I didn't because she would not have liked my response. Of course with him we never know what's about to come out of his mouth...good or bad, it is always a surprise. Cam blurted out "my mommy says I am not weird, but a lot of the kids at school say I am. This is my sister and best friend Peyton and I have Asperger's. My mommy and daddy say it makes me special but it really makes it hard for me to understand people like you." He said that all without taking a breath and then he was done with the conversation and walked to the front of the shopping cart. Well there ya have it lady, this is why my son hates school. He feels alone. He is struggling with knowing he has Asperger's...but doesn't understand it or the emotions, the questions, the feelings going on inside. He's struggling with people calling him weird. Then she just looked at me in complete shock, almost horror and was quiet the rest of the time while handling our transaction. 

But, this whole situation really bothered me and got me to thinking. Where did this lady get off assuming that I am not doing enough to help my son with school and not helping him learn to like it? Why when Cam told her he had Asperger's did she become silent and never apologize for her accusations on my parenting? Why did she not reassure my son that he was ok no matter what? Instead she acted as if he just told her he had some type of contagious disease and she couldn't get us out of there fast enough. The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. Well, part of that is not true, this is the first time Cam has just blurted out to a complete stranger that he has Asperger's. But, this is not the first time I have received the judging look or rude comments. I have been told I need to keep him at home until he is able to act like a "normal" child when he was having a meltdown in public or that I needed to use more discipline with him and just give him a good spanking. We live in a society where people judge before knowing any of the facts. So, my son at the age of 6, walks around being looked at, whispered about or laughed at before people actually get to know him. Like this lady today, people just assume the worst without knowing anything. Assuming the worst out of me is fine, I am a grown woman and I can handle it. Assuming the worst out of my six year old son who is going through enough in his life, I am not ok with. I wear an Autism pin, bracelet and I even have little  cards to hand out explaining what Autism is and that he is Autistic. I do this all to raise awareness and to hopefully detour the rude comments and looks. I wear these so that maybe people will see these symbols and they won't give the looks or say the comments. I wear these in hopes that they will help Cam not have to feel any more different than he already does because of these people assuming the worst when he says or does something. When he was younger he didn't hear or understand these comments, but now he does and it is not fair to him. It is not right that I have to try and nicely explain to him why people say the rude things they do or give the dirty looks. 

I wish our society was not so judging. We judge people over their weight, clothes, homes, cars...you name it we judge. As adults we know how to handle these judging looks and comments. But as a child, as an Autistic child he doesn't know how to handle them nor should he have to. He should be able to live his life and not hear the rude comments or see the stares. His life has too many obstacles as it is, worrying about mean comments and looks should not be one of them. Instead of assuming that he is just this horrible child I wish people would stop and think "is there something wrong to where he can't handle it?" I want our society to stop judging, to stop assuming the worst and to be much more accepting of all children with differences. As Cam grows up I want him to not tell people he's called weird or annoying, I want him to tell people that he's called smart and funny. I want him to stop being judged for things that are out of his control.

A Day of Acceptance

Cam has had a pretty rough week and Friday at school was no different. He had asked me to come again for lunch and after the bad day he had the day before I could not say no. I went to lunch to watch again, what I see all the time...him struggling to fit in. We sat there at the lunch table with all of his classmates and you can see he wants to be a part of the "in" crowd, which to him is the entire class. But, he sits on the outside looking in. I learned that he eats his lunch quickly and then packs up everything and sits and watches the door. The door that each class walks in when coming to lunch. This door means a freedom to him when he sees one last teacher walk in. It means it is recess and it means he gets to run and play outside, even if alone, he likes to be outside. So, he stairs at it and he waits for that teacher to bring her class in and then he knows it is time for recess. The rest of the kids are talking and joking around, Cam is staring at the door. The teacher and her class came in and Cam was the first person up but before he walked to the door he asked if I would stay and watch him play. I don't like to stay and watch him play because that means staring at his reality of loneliness, but I stayed. I watched him play, by himself. He runs out like all of the other kids but each of them has at least one or two friends that stay with them as they run. He does not, he has himself. This time I had a chance to talk to his teachers a little while watching him and they told me they watch him try sometimes to play with the others, but it just doesn't seem to work. So, for the most part they told me he plays by himself. I guess it could be worse, he could be the big trouble maker in class and have a bad set of friends. But instead he travels the journey at school alone. After recess I walked with him to his class and he begged me to take him home early. He kept telling me he was having a rough day and he just wanted to go home. As much as I wanted to make everything better and bring him home, I can't let him run away every time he has a bad day. So, he stayed at school and after some tears he was off to class. I always leave worrying about the rest of his day whether it is drop off in the morning or after having lunch with him. But, this time hit me deep inside because he was begging me to take him away and I couldn't. I couldn't let him know that every time he asks me to take him away I will because that's now how life works. But, his life is different, his struggles are much harder. So, maybe sometimes it is ok to run away...just for a day. 

He ended the day on a positive note and was very happy to see me at pick up time. We had our usual family movie night and he picked it out. We watched The Lorax and I got to hear him laugh. He and Peyton played and laughed, I got to sit back and hear it and enjoy it all. I told him the next day we were going to head to Animal Kingdom. If you live in the area you may have heard the screams of excitement. He loves animals and fortunately so does Peyton, just not to the same degree as him. But, anything to do with Disney and she is happy. So, it was going to be a win, win situation for both. 

Saturday morning came and Cam was the first one up. He was ready to go. He has been struggling so much that I wanted it to be a carefree, fun day for him. We got the car packed up, my mom came and off the four of us went. He brought his animal book in the car and was watching Wild Kratts on their little dvd player. He was ready for a day of animal fun. The day was wonderful. We were able to see all of the animals and a lot of them very up close. We all laughed, he laughed all day long. He even got his face painted like a cheetah. My mom and I both got tears in our eyes because this is a big step for him. There was a time when he wouldn't let anyone near his face and now he was getting his entire face painted. You could see his discomfort when it was happening and we both asked him the entire time if he was ok with it. He kept saying yes and when he saw it, well Cam had left and we had a cheetah on our trip now. There were a couple of mini angry meltdowns, but nothing out of control and nothing to ruin the day. He was carefree...for an entire day, he was accepted by those around him, he was able to tell all of us about every animal and he has able to be himself. It was like being around the animals was his therapy and just what he needed. He becomes much happier around them and when talking about them. It is his passion and something that amazes me by all he knows and continues to want to learn. I don't know what today will hold, but I know that the fun, the laughs and the smiles from yesterday is a day I will never forget.

I Want Yesterday Back....

Today is supposed to be a day of love and happiness. Cam woke up excited to celebrate this day. He got out of bed with no issue, got dressed and walked out with Peyton to their Valentine surprises from mommy and daddy. I had decorated their little eating area with hearts everywhere, left them a couple of small presents and a card. They loved it, it was a great beginning to the day. I promised Cam I would come have lunch with him today and that made him even more happy, so I just knew today was going to be a good day. Then drop off time came. At his school the kids wear uniforms, blue polos with khakis to be exact and when we got to school there were kids everywhere with red shirts on. Cam looked at me and asked me why they were all wearing red, they're not suppose to be wearing red, they're suppose to wearing blue. I didn't know but they were allowed to wear red shirts because it was Valentine's day and Cam was one of the few who didn't have a red shirt on. He was crushed and started to cry. "It's Valentine's Day mommy, I am suppose to be wearing red...everyone is wearing red and not blue. Blue is for the other days, not for Valentine's day." After a little bit I got him calmed down and promised to go home and see if there was a red shirt and if so I would bring it to him at lunch time. He seemed ok, not exactly happy but ok with my answer. His teacher apologized because she already knew the party was going to be a change for him but she didn't think about the shirts. I didn't think about the shirts and I'm his mom...why should she?

So I headed to the store after realizing that he didn't have a red shirt at home. He was having such a good day before drop off, I didn't want a shirt to ruin his day at school. Peyton and I headed there for lunch and he was so happy to see us and see his red shirt. He picked two classmates to eat outside with us and off we went to eat. I sat there watching the other two children joking together and having fun, while Cam sat next to me not knowing how to really interact with them. It really broke my heart. He wants friends so badly, he just doesn't know how to be a friend. Recess came and he asked if Peyton could stay and play with him. She is his best friend and the one who accepts him and plays with him whenever and however he wants. He has always loved her, since the day she was born. Which amazes me because I thought for sure there would be a jealousy or anger but there never has been. Anyway, I of course said yes since the teachers said it was ok. Peyton is our social butterfly. At the age of 4, she has friends in Cam's 1st grade class. So she was playing with him and then started playing with another little girl. Cam took it as he always does when there is more than one friend involved that Peyton didn't like him anymore and the meltdown started. Only this meltdown wasn't kicking and screaming...this meltdown was huge heartbreaking tears and watching him become a very little boy right in my arms as I was trying to console him. He cried and told me he has no friends, that Peyton is his friend and now even she doesn't like him. This breaks my heart into pieces. Because as I am trying to reassure him that he does have friends, I know in my heart he really doesn't. At least not at school, not right at this moment that I am trying to convince him that he does. By the time I got him calmed down the teacher blew the whistle and recess was over, which started up another meltdown. He wanted to play with Peyton so badly, she helps him feel like he's ok and now he can't play with her and he has to go back to class without me and without her. He cried for awhile and all I could do was hug him and tell him how very much I love him. He wasn't having the angry meltdowns he usually has. He was having a heartbreaking, I wish I had that magic wand right now and fix his meltdown. Cam finally calmed down when I reminded him that Peyton and I would be back very soon for his Valentine's Day party. I left again, hoping that he would have a good rest of the day...at least until I got there for his party.

Party time comes, they allow the parents into the room and there stands Cam, huge tears in his eyes and running to me. I try to get out of him what's wrong but whenever he gets this upset he gets stuck on a word and that one word is all I get for a few minutes. The party was suppose to be starting...he was suppose to be having fun with his class, passing out Valentine's, eating snacks and having fun. But, instead he stood there crying and I couldn't understand why. I found out from his teacher that one of the other kids for some reason told Cam to hurt them. I am sure the child said it jokingly, but Cam doesn't understand jokes, everything is black and white. So, he did as the kid told him and tried to hurt him. He didn't succeed and the teacher found out what was going on and called Cam over. Well, he thought he was getting in trouble and completely broke down into a big meltdown. He did as he was told, so he didn't understand why he was getting in trouble. Once again, his teacher was wonderful with explaining to him that he wasn't in trouble, but reminded him, he was not to listen to anyone but her. I am so thankful for how wonderful his teachers are. I know I have said it before, but if it weren't for them, I don't think Cam would have made it through this school year. He calmed down and he and Peyton handed out his Valentine's to the class. I could see it in his eyes that he was getting completely overwhelmed but he handled it so well. He made sure he stayed with Peyton and once he was done passing them out and eating his snack, he headed to the reading carpet and read his new animal book. I sat there once again, sad because there's the rest of the class laughing and playing and then there's Cam who doesn't fit in, doesn't understand how to be a friend, sitting by himself. 

I want my supermom cape on and I want to fix this for him. I want to take away all of this hurt, confusion and sadness for him. It kills me inside that he doesn't understand any of these emotions. It must be so hard for him, internally going through all of this and not knowing how to express any of it. I hate that I have to sit back and watch him struggle so much. He's 6, he's suppose to be able to be care free, playing and having fun. I want to go back to yesterday where he had a friend like him and he was ok in his own skin. I want to hear that laugh and see that smile...I want yesterday back...

Oh Happy Day

There are days in life that you wish you could freeze and hold them in time. Today was one of those days. Cam woke up in a grumpy mood but quickly changed when I reminded him that we were suppose to go to a new friends house to play after school and if he was being grumpy he wouldn't be able to go. Pick up time came from school and he came out with a big smile and told me he was ready to go to his friends house because he had a great day. His teacher also told me that he had a really good day and that he must be really excited about his play time because that is all he talked about. 

Now, I was a nervous wreck about the play date all day. He has been going through some really rough roads lately and I knew if something went wrong on this play date that it would just set him back even further. I almost canceled it because I was so worried. I had fears because I have taken him to these play dates before with other children and most of the time I end up constantly being on him for the way he speaks to the other child, for the way he either interacts or lack of interaction. It isn't fun for the other child because if it doesn't go Cam's way, he doesn't play with them. I know it is hard to be his friend but he so badly wants a friend. He wants someone to play with him, I want someone to play with him. 

I didn't cancel because I couldn't explain to him that we weren't going because I didn't want him to get his feelings hurt or to hurt the other child's feelings. We got there and my stomach was in complete knots. Now let me add that the child's mom is a friend of mine and is probably one of the least judgemental people I have ever met, so it wasn't her I was worried about. I was worried about Cam...

The play date was a huge success! Cam and as he likes call him "my new friend that is just like me" played great together! There were a few bumps because lets face it, Cam likes things to go his way and doesn't understand why people don't always want to do exactly what he wants but overall it was an amazing afternoon. 

When we were heading back home Cam was telling me how much fun he had, how he can't wait to go back and how happy he was that he has a new friend like him. I, for the first time in what feels like forever cried tears of joy. I was overcome with happiness that he made a friend, as he says a friend like him. He played with him and there were no meltdowns, there were no yelling, there was just playing. He really felt accepted. He felt like how I so badly want him to always feel, that it is ok to be him.

 

One of those days....

Cam woke up and seemed ready to head back to school. He even told us he wanted to go back to school. Which shocked me but I was very happy to hear him say this. Then reality must have set in because once we got to school he changed. This change is not new..every morning he is fine in the car, sometimes even joking around or playing with his toys and then bam! We get to school and he goes from being happy to, well just being a different person. I can see it in his eyes and the tension becomes visible in his body language. I can only guess it is the social aspect that he starts to have anxiety about. Today was no different, but then it became worse when he looked up at the board for his writing assignment and today's was about being in a forest. I knew as soon as I saw the assignment that we were going to have an issue. Cam hates the forest, he has always had a fear of it. You even mention anything about the forest to him and he has a complete panic attack and melts down. So, I tried to talk to him about what he was going to write and I could see the panic in his eyes and he said "I don't ever want to go in the forest mommy, I don't want to write about this". We have had many issues when it comes to the morning writing assignments because if he doesn't like it, doesn't understand it, doesn't agree with it or it's talking about how you feel about something then he just refuses to write or has a complete meltdown. This morning was no different except this time it was something that he feared. I tried to talk to him about it, but once he freezes up like that there is no reasoning or getting through to him. I was just happy that he didn't meltdown this time. I did not want him to start his day off with a complete meltdown, kids and parents staring at him as he screams and cries...not a good way to start any day. So I was trying to look at the positive side and be happy with just the freezing up and refusing to write. His teacher told me not to worry about it and that she would help him. So off I went, worried that his day was going to go terribly wrong because of this.

Pick up time came and he had a pretty good day! For some reason he thought I was coming to have lunch with him so for the first half of lunch he refused to eat and he had two accidents but overall a good day. He seemed in a good mood too, so I thought for sure we were going to have a great afternoon. That lasted until we got into the car and he asked if we could play outside instead of having his speech therapist come today. When I told him no, a huge meltdown occurred. I mean kicking, screaming and pinching himself (I HATE that he hurts himself and REALLY wish that I could stop him from doing this) all came on because of my answer. When we got home I was able to get him in the house and after a little while get him calmed down somewhat. By the time his therapist got to the house he was fine and did great for her. Actually one of the best sessions he has had with her in awhile. His night was ok, he had a big meltdown over his Valentine's for his class. He got upset when we were talking about giving them to his friends because he informed me he doesn't have any friends so the kids are going to laugh at him.

His meltdowns are becoming more and more frequent these days. I know he is going through a lot inside ever since our talk about his Asperger's and I try to ask questions that I think he'll understand to tell me what's wrong but it's not working. The worst part of his meltdowns are when he hurts himself. I don't enjoy the screaming and kicking and throwing of things but I will take that any day over him physically hurting himself. The pinching himself until he bleeds, the knocking his head into the walls, the punching himself...it kills me inside to watch this. I have tried holding him tight, wrapping him in a weighted blanket, you name it I feel like I have tried it and it isn't working. He lets me get close to him and hold him when he's coming down from his meltdown and then he just cries and goes to being a little boy who he is lost in my arms. Tonight I don't feel like supermom...today is one of those days where I am trying to remind myself that this is all a part of our journey and that I am not completely failing him. I don't like pity parties, I try to never do them. But some days the struggles that I watch him go through don't seem fair and the fact that I feel like I can't do anything for him seems overwhelming. Today is one of those days...

A Case of the Mondays

Oh Monday, you were suppose to be nicer to us than you were! Besides being sick, I think Cam had a case of the Mondays! He was an absolute GROUCH! Nothing Peyton and I said or did today seemed to get him out of his funk either. She tried to play with him and he would just snap at her and I tried to talk to him and well, it either went well or he had a complete melt down. Usually when he's sick it goes one of two ways, he's extremely needy and lovey with me where all he wants is mommy (selfishly I like those days because it doesn't happen very often that he is like that) or he hates the world and everyone in it and it is one meltdown after another. Well, after a weekend of nothing but one meltdown after another I was hoping he would be in a better mood. I mean really kiddo how many meltdowns can one 6 year old have?! Clearly more than I think. So, I tried to leave him alone and just let him watch Disney Jr and Wild Kratts most of the day. Thank goodness for Wild Kratts, it was my life saver today in the midst of a horrible meltdown...over what you ask? I have no clue! I said his name and then he just started crying and screaming and ran off slamming his door to his room. So, in the super mommy that I try to be I went in and asked what was wrong. I got "nothing, my life isn't fair! I am sick and life just isn't fair!" So, nothing is wrong but his life isn't fair. Ok, I'll bite. "Why isn't life fair, Cameron? Is it because you don't feel good?" Well, as I have shared I always have to prepare myself for the unexpected with Cam, so I was waiting for a crazy response. Ya, I got one. "I feel fine, mommy! I am just sick! And I want to watch Wild Kratts and it's not 5:00 yet so it is NOT ON!" Alright kiddo, you're fine but you're sick and you want to watch your favorite show. Super mommy has the secret weapon aka DVR  today and is ready for this one! I tell him to remember that we have them on the DVR AND he has a DVD of them. I am thinking because he's so out of it from not feeling good he has lost totally memory of these facts and he has it stuck in his head that he can only watch them at 5:00, so I will finally get to save the day today. He turns to me, stops screaming and crying and as if his world has just stopped says "but I have already seen those ones mommy and it is not 5:00 yet". Reasoning with him at this point I know is going to get me nowhere, so I just told him I realized that he had seen them and that it wasn't 5:00 but I would be happy to put one of them on for him so he could rest and at 5:00 I would be more than happy the new one on. I knew he was going to agree, there are few times that he will ever say no to Wild Kratts, in fact I can't think of any. It doesn't matter how many times he has watched it, he was just in a grumpy mood so he was going to fight it. Well, the fight was over once he heard the theme song on (which by the way I hear in my head ALL day because we have watched the show 102994950830958 times)  and came, Star Wars blankie in tow to the couch and watched it.

I know he's really not feeling good because after dinner, he headed back to the couch to watch more Wild Kratts and he passed out. This child one, never lays down and two never falls asleep during his favorite show. Peyton thought it was hilarious that he was asleep and decided to take this opportunity to do her gymnastics show for him that he had told her all day he didn't want to see. Asleep he was a great audience for her.

So, tomorrow....lets not have a case of the Tuesdays. I will leave you tonight with what's on my mind......

We're gonna send some animals today with creature power! Gonna go wild wild kratts, gonna go wild kratts! Gonna go wild wild kratts,go go wild wild! :)

What Not To Say

This has been a weekend filled with board games, movie watching and some meltdowns in between. Today started off pretty good, then went downhill quickly because of Cameron's mood. So, it went from playing to meltdown to playing to a meltdown once again. This lasted for most of the morning, the longest meltdown this morning was about an hour. My mom was suppose to come over today to hang out and she sent a text asking if it was still ok to come over. I said of course just know that Cameron is in a mood today, so the meltdowns are happening and they aren't pretty. Her response was "I don't care, it's a part of him and won't stop me from coming over." That hit home to me, a lot of other people would not have responded the same way. They would have said, ok well maybe we can come tomorrow or I'll talk to you later. My mom has been a big asset to us since Cameron's diagnosis. I mean don't get me wrong she and I have had our disagreements and there were times where we didn't speak because of those disagreements. We are not a perfect family and if you have a perfect family, that is great. Our imperfections have helped me learn about me and about life, so I appreciate them. But, anyway back to what I was saying. She has been a constant support for us, even in the times where she and I were arguing I always knew I could call on her to help if needed. She watched Peyton the day that we took Cameron for his testing with the doctor and to discuss Cameron's issues. So besides Bryan and me she was the first to know of Cameron's diagnosis. From that day on she has read everything she can about Asperger's, she has asked people questions to try and help us and most importantly she has always asked us questions on how to help us, how to understand Cameron and how to help him. So today's text was no different than what she has done in the past, but it really got me to start thinking. Since Cameron's diagnosis 2.5 years ago, Bryan and I have heard a lot of things that we either laughed at or cried about (as you can imagine, it is me doing the crying) when it comes to Cameron's Asperger's. So today I decided I am going to make a list of things that in my opinion you should NOT say or do to a parent with a child on the Autism Spectrum.

1. He'll out grow it. (No, he won't out grow it, it is who he is and who he will ALWAYS be)
2. He just needs a good spanking (if that were the case, he would have been "cured" a long time ago)
3. What started the meltdown? (Does it really matter..we're dealing with it now and what started it doesn't really matter at this point)
4. He doesn't look Autistic (If I had a dollar for every time I heard this, I would be a multi-millionaire!) PLEASE tell me what Autism looks like?!
5. You're staring during his meltdown is not helping, it in fact is making it harder for us to help him because we are feeling so uncomfortable with all the other eyes on us.
6. When you hear he has Autism, please don't tell us how sorry you are. We are not sorry he has Autism, we are sorry however that we live in a society who doesn't accept him the way he is.
7. Please do not tell us that you thank God every day that YOUR child is NOT Autistic. We thank God that our child is, because he is teaching us acceptance, strength and unconditional love. Telling us that you thank God your child isn't, is like slapping us in the face.
8. My child has "quirks" too but they're not Autistic, maybe Cameron isn't either. (One, it was not just one doctor who has diagnosed my child, so please don't say that to me and if all Cameron had was a couple of "quirks" we would not face the daily struggles that we face.)
9. Instead of just telling us tomorrow will be better, please tell us that if tomorrow is rough too that you'll be there to help in any way you can. Offer help, we may not ask for it because we don't want to burden you with our problems. But it doesn't mean we wouldn't accept the offer because we need all the help we can get.
10. Don't judge us if we look like we haven't slept (because we probably haven't, our mind is going non-stop on all the things we have to do for our child, so sleep is really a thing of the past for us) or judge us because our house isn't perfect (if we had the time to clean and make it perfect...trust me we would)
11. My child is pain-in-the asstic, that's similar, right? (YES, someone said this me and NO I did not appreciate it. It is NOT even close to being the same nor is it funny)
12. Can't you just tell him to calm down? (If I told a burning fire to just calm down would it listen? That is basically what is going on inside my child when he is having a meltdown, so no it won't work)


These are just some of the things I personally as a mom of a child on the spectrum believe should not be done or said. If you're a fellow parent of a child on the spectrum, do you agree? Being a parent to a child on the spectrum isn't easy and we often feel like we are on an island all by ourselves. Our life isn't perfect. But does anyone really have a perfect life? Yes, our struggles with Cameron are hard and there are days that I wish were much easier, not for us but for him. But I wouldn't change it.....I wouldn't change him. He has taught me and continues to teach me so much about life and for that I am forever grateful to my son.