Big Week....For Both Kiddos

This week was a big week in our house. I don’t usually talk about Cam’s sister much because well….this blog is about Cam and our journey with him. But she is a huge part of his journey and this week was a big week for both of my children, so I decided to share. When you have a child on the spectrum and a neurotypical child, you get so used to fighting for your spectrum child, taking them to their different doctor and therapy appointments (because goodness knows Autism isn’t enough to have, most of our children have several different medical issues too) and worrying about your spectrum child’s issues, that as a parent you take for granted that your neurotypical child is just fine. Cam’s sister is an amazing sister to him, she is loving, very protective over him and is extremely patient with him. They are the best of friends. To say my husband and I are lucky with her is an understatement.

On Thursday I had to take her to a specialist and Cam knew something was different because she didn’t have to get up and ready in the morning like she always does to take him to school. She stayed home with daddy while I drove him to school. He started asking me questions on the way to school and to be honest I was able to talk like it was nothing because at that point I thought it was nothing. Dropped him off at school and a little while later she and I headed off to the doctor. I wasn’t nervous like I am pretty much every time I take Cam to the doctor because for the most part she has always been very healthy. While in the waiting room she made friends with a little boy, but this little boy wasn’t able to use words with her, only sign language. It amazed me that my sweet little girl and this sweet little boy were able to communicate so well because she doesn’t know any sign language. At one point the mother of this boy said to me “my son just signed to me that your daughter is an angel. He isn’t used to other children playing with him.” Broke my heart and made me proud all at the same time. This little boy was sweet, just like Cam, yet most can’t see past his disability. Oh how I wanted to hug the little boy and his mom and say how much I could relate but I didn’t. I sat back and watched the children play and see the little boys mom sit back and smiling. When we got called back the children hugged and it was such a sweet moment. The mom thanked my daughter for being her son’s angel today and my daughter said “he’s one of my best friends now, I hope we can play again soon.” I am so proud that my daughter doesn’t judge on differences, she loves and accepts all children. I am thankful because I feel Cam has helped teach her this.

Once the doctor came in, my reality check for my sweet girl smacked me right in the face. “We will have to operate, remove this and send it off for a biopsy.” Excuse me….what did you just say? I came in thinking that this little bump inside my daughters lip was absolutely nothing and that you were going to laugh at me for being here. This is my happy and healthy neurotypical child that nothing is wrong with. I questioned the doctor over and over again because I couldn’t process it all. Thankfully this doctor was very patient with me and answered all of my questions and then answered some of hers. Listening to your 5 year old ask questions about a surgery….now that is something you shouldn’t have to hear. The doctor of course went over best and worst case scenarios and the only ones we are focusing on is the best case. But now we have to wait for surgery….which isn’t until April 1. For many different reasons we have to wait and any parent knows the waiting on anything to do with your children’s health is the hardest part.

After her tears of fear were done (for now) and I hid my tears and fear from her we headed back to town to pick up Cam from school. She couldn’t wait to talk to her big brother about what the doctor said. Though Cam has a hard time showing compassion to many, he loves his sister and is always worried about her. I listened for awhile because I wanted to hear how my daughter interpreted what the doctor said. At 5 she didn’t understand much thankfully but she understood enough to get her brother worried about her. He asked a few questions and we decided that we aren’t going to worry about any of it right now because the surgery isn’t for a little while. And like that they started playing in the car and life was back to normal. It amazes me that my son is so close to her when I see him struggle so much with making friends and dealing with anyone else for that matter. The bond that these two have is truly amazing.

So with all of this going through my mind, I had a meeting scheduled the very next day with Cam’s teacher and a behavior specialist. Life goes on and off to the meeting I went. Cam’s teacher had voiced a TON of concerns at our last parent/teacher conference so I was pretty much ready to come in guns blazing so to speak to this meeting. Well, to my pleasant surprise she had nothing but great things to say about him. She bragged on how well he was doing with his writing, listening, you name it and all she could do was brag. I honestly felt like I was in the twilight zone. Yes, I believe my son is amazing and yes I know what he is capable of. But hearing those words from the same teacher who had voiced so many concerns just a couple of weeks ago was music to my ears. This school year has for sure been a tough one for Cam, for many different reasons. But, for now my boy is making incredible progress and I am so very proud of him.

This has been a happy/sad week in our house. We’re focusing on only positive and not allowing ourselves to think any other way. I will say though, all of this has reminded me that I can’t take a second for granted with either one of children. 

They Laugh At Me....

“They laugh at me when I cry. I can’t help it mommy and it hurts my feelings when they laugh at me.” Words I got to hear from Cam’s mouth last night at dinner. He and I had a mommy and Cam weekend away this weekend and we had so much fun. Yesterday we saw the new Lego movie, went to the Lego store because according to my son that is what has to happen after you watch a Lego movie, we played and laughed and the day was just perfect. We headed off to dinner at his favorite dinosaur restaurant and I made him keep his ipad in the car. I told him that we need to talk when we’re at dinner and not be consumed by electronics. This is a new rule I am implementing in our house too….electronics are great but they are taking over my house. He was great about it, no meltdowns at all. So at dinner I started to ask him little questions, what is his favorite dinosaur now, what is his favorite animal. It’s funny that I live with this little human being but feel like I don’t know him because he closes down so much when it comes to talking. Yes, I know my son, but I would love to be inside his little brain to REALLY know him and these questions were my way of trying to get in there. Then came the school questions and I found out more than I was prepared to at dinner. I was just asking him about his favorite subject and then asked about his friends. This is when a harsh reality hit me….”mommy I have no friends. No one ever wants to play with me. X tells me not to sit next to him at lunch any more because I am weird. They all laugh at me when I cry. I can’t help it mommy and it hurts my feelings when they laugh at me. They make a lot of fun of me when I cry for you too.” My heart completely sank and anger set in all at the same time. My son is opening up to me so I can’t say what I would like to say about these children…these bullies. Plus I am supposed to be the adult here so I can’t say the things that are going through my head. We talked more about things happening at school and though I wish I could say the conversation got better, it didn’t. But, what I was proud of during this heart wrenching conversation is that he finally opened up to me. I finally was able to see into his little world….even if it broke my heart into a million pieces.

Cam knows he has Asperger’s, he knows he will always be different and last night he let me know how much he hates his differences. He told me he wanted to be like everyone else so he wouldn’t cry, so the kids wouldn’t laugh at him and so he would have friends. Those who believe children on the Autism spectrum don’t care about others, you are very wrong. Cam is complete proof of that. Though he doesn’t know how to be a good friend, he so badly wants friends. Though he likes to be alone a lot of the time, he wants to have a friend who will play with him when he doesn’t want to be alone. He wants what we all want and that is to be accepted for who we are.

Though the conversation did not go the way I wanted it to, I was able to for the first time have a real conversation with my son. It wasn’t all bad and when I couldn’t take any more of hearing the bad, I changed the subject and we laughed the rest of the night. I didn’t want our entire night to be sad. I didn’t want his differences to once again ruin a day for him. When we got back to the hotel he told me how much fun he had with me and how much he loved me. Then he said words that I will never forget, “thank you mommy for loving me, even when I cry and scream.” My son sees his differences shining through and he is realizing he has no control over these differences sometimes. I tucked him in, kissed him goodnight and then went and cried the rest of the night. Now I realize if you’ve been reading any of my blogs you already know I am a crier, but last night was a sobbing, ugly cry. I knew there would come a day that he might get bullied, I just wasn’t ready for it to be now and I wasn’t ready for him to tell me.

I wish parents would teach their children that it is ok for everyone to be different and how mean it is to laugh at others because of their differences. I truly believe bullying starts at home. I wish they could look and see the damage that their children are doing to these sweet, caring children…what they are doing to MY SON! All of these children really just want to be accepted for who they are…not made fun of for who they aren’t. My son is SO much more than his differences and I wish with all of my heart that people would see that. My son knows his differences, they shine brightly and he doesn’t need others laughing at him, saying mean things to him and pointing them out to him. Hearing his words shattered my heart, so I can only imagine what his heart feels like every day when it is happening to him. I wish I had a magic wand to make his world easier and to make the bullying stop……

Remembering.....

Today I was brought back to remembering the day of Cam’s diagnosis. It is hard to believe that it was a little over 3 years ago now because as I sat thinking about it today it was like it was just yesterday that it all happened. I remember sitting in the waiting room for the psychologist with complete knots in my stomach. He walked up and introduced himself to us and to Cam and I sat there watching my son who could care less about this man, this stranger standing there in front of us. Cam was more concerned about his dinosaur puzzles. We walked into the room and the psychologist for the first few minutes just observed Cam, then did some testing with him and then turned to my husband and me and asked lots of questions. It was honestly the longest visit of my life yet the shortest. At the end of it all he looked at us and said, “your son has Asperger’s and ADHD”. I started crying, bawling, I couldn’t catch my breath. The doctor looked at me and said “I can tell by your tears you already knew what I was going to say”. And he was right, I did. I had fought against others who told me I was crazy that there was nothing wrong with my son, I had tried everything I could imagine to get him help prior to bringing him there. But, I did know that when we walked into the office that day I was going to hear those words. That fact didn’t make hearing those words any easier, to be honest I believe it made it harder. Had I known yet been in denial all this time? Had I done all I could to help him or should I have done more? The what ifs, the could ofs and should ofs…they started creeping in and the tears flowed harder all the way home. The life that I had envisioned for my son was no longer there. Of course I had already seen some of this life I had so wanted for him start to disappear before the diagnosis. We tried team sports for him like t-ball and soccer and those were both an epic fail. We had already lost some friends because who wants to have play dates with a child who melts down at the drop of a hat? Who wants to go out in public with a family who has a child that appears out of control or that says what seems to say rude things? So, even before the diagnosis our lives had changed but there was still that ounce of hope. Maybe the doctor will tell us this is all normal. Maybe he will tell us the others were right he will outgrow this…maybe we will be invited to those play dates once he outgrows it. Then BAM! the diagnosis comes and I realized that those maybes will never come true.

My son is Autistic…that sentence still brings tears to my eyes. I have over the past 3 years had to mourn the life that I had envisioned for Cam and come to terms with the life that he will have. Is that life less or worse than what I had hoped for? No, it isn’t but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt my heart to know he won’t have the chance to have the life I so wanted for him. I think that is the big thing I have come to terms with….well who am I kidding, I am starting to come to terms with or maybe I will never fully come to terms with, the fact that it is ok for me to mourn the life I wanted for him. Would I ever change my son? Absolutely not. He is my son and he is perfect to me. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t change the struggles he goes through and that he will always go through. Would I ever take away his Autism? Some days I say no and some days I say yes. The days I say yes are the days I watch him struggle to a point that I can’t help him at all or at least to the point where I feel like I can’t help him. But, his Autism is who he is and saying that I want to take it away is like saying I want to take him away. I do however want to take his struggles away. I want him to be able to have real friendships one day and maybe (30-40 years from now…haha) a girlfriend. I want him to be able to communicate easier and not be stared at for his differences. His life will always be harder than others, but that will make him a stronger person…right? It has taught me as his mom to be a stronger person so I have to believe it will teach him the same. Over the past 3 years he has come so far. That part I celebrate, the big and the small accomplishments I celebrate. It may not be the life I envisioned for Cam, but he will still lead an amazing life. The mourning process still hits me when certain things happen, when I see friends of ours children doing certain sports or activities or I see events that before Cam’s diagnosis or issues started shining brightly I was invited to. I think as Autism parents we should be allowed to have this mourning time and it doesn’t matter if we never stop mourning certain aspects of our children’s lives that we had envisioned for them as long as we don’t forget to live and enjoy the amazing child we have in front of us. Cam will lead an incredible life….Autism and all. 

Pity Train....

I have been in a bit of an Autism funk lately. Yep, I stepped on the pity train last week and am trying hard to get myself off of it. Last week Cam had a bit of a hard week, nothing horrible at all and by far the best of the worst that he has had in forever. But, for some reason it hit me really hard. Then on Thursday I said those words…words that I have sometimes thought but have never put it out there to the world. I HATE AUTISM! And I meant it. I have lots of rainbow sunshiny days where I see all that I have learned thanks to this Autism journey. I sit back and see the fighter that I have become, the way that Cam and Autism has helped me to open my eyes to a new incredible world that celebrates life’s miracles that most take for granted and I see the mom that I am thankful to be because of his Autism. But then there are days or weeks where I really don’t like this journey and yes to be completely honest hate it. I hate that every day when I drop my son off at school I worry about his meltdowns, his awkwardness, his struggles…the list of worries go on and on. I hate that every day when I pick him up from school I have a lump in my throat waiting to hear how his day was and I hate that I can’t be the parent who can just pick her son up without having to feel like I have to hear every detail of his day to know what, if anything set him off, what struggles did he have, did he have any meltdowns or did he have a great day. I hate that when we have a friend or friends over with their children my heart is in my stomach again, worrying the entire time about how he will act, what will he say that they take offense to because he has no filter (good and bad thing here) and sometimes what he says is not what he meant. I hate that I feel like we have to live in a bubble away from most of society because we have lost so many friends along this journey, whether because they judged and I couldn’t take the judging, the looks, the whispers behind my back. Or because I have separated myself because out of fear of the judgers I have detached myself from most of the world not wanting to get hurt or judged any more. This journey can be very lonely because no one, not even those that are also on the Autism journey with their children can completely understand what I am going through because each of our children are so different.

So, yes I am on the Autism pity train right now. Yes, as much as I try to be positive about it all, I have my times where I just can’t fight the hate or anger.  What’s funny or ironic about it right now is Cam is doing really well. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, yet I do. The struggles are still there even when he’s having amazing days. The fighting that I have to do for him is still there even when the journey is still full of rainbows and that is what I hate. In most cases for neurotypical children when they are doing amazing parents get to enjoy it. But when Cam is doing amazing it is much different than those children. The hate will subside and the rainbows and sunshine will come back out…..right now though I am working through the hate. 

Big Steps.....

Can you believe it is almost the end of January already? This month has completely flown by! Over Christmas break we started Cam on new ADHD medicine. (I get it if you are against medicine, but this is a judgment free zone and I know what is best for my kiddo) So, over the break when he started the new medicine we started to see a huge change in Cam and when I say huge…it was as if I had my sweet, loving and funny boy back. His old medicine worked for a while but he started having huge meltdowns and aggression out of nowhere. So his neuro decided to change his medicine and see if that would help. It helped so much more than I could have ever imagined. But, then school started up and though I knew he was doing great at home, I was concerned that school was going to be a different story. Well, we are three weeks into school after Christmas break and he has been doing amazing. The teacher said it is like a different child has entered her room and she can see a huge positive difference in him. I have cried happy tears every day picking him. Which may sound a bit crazy, but let me remind you that my son was kicked out of 3 different pre-schools, kindergarten at his first school wasn’t easy and we have hit many, many, many did I mention many hurdles since. So, when I, as his mom am so used to hearing nothing but negative about my son and his issues, start hearing such positive reports after so many years of negative, of hurdles and struggles, I cry many happy tears. I as his mom see all of the good that others miss, I see past his diagnosis, his differences, his struggles, but most others don’t. Others always focus on the differences, the diagnosis, and the struggles. I have had so many different teachers, friends, family members, strangers point them out that you would think I would become numb to it, but really it hurts more and more each time. But, now my son is having good days, shoot we’re hitting good weeks at school and finally I am hearing praises. I honestly never thought I would hear “he had an amazing day” or “he received extra computer time for having such a great day”. Words like that are foreign to me, which is sad but it is true. Most of the time my son isn’t given a chance because they see his diagnosis and his differences first and don’t see the rest of him.

So, since school is going so great I decided to throw something else in the mix. Sports and Cam don’t go well together. He tries hard, but his coordination isn’t there yet, his ability to work well on a team isn’t there and well lets just say we haven’t had much luck over the years with sports. So last year we didn’t put him into anything. Though I will never allow his diagnosis to stop him from doing anything, I also am learning (slowly) that he just may not be able to do the things I want him to do. This year however, I decided we were going to find something extra curricular for him to do. He needs to get out there and learn how to listen to others, make friends, socialize and be a 7-year-old….Autism and all. I researched for clubs and well there just isn’t much for his age, I looked into sports and kept finding team sports or golf, both of which he has no desire or can play at this time. Then it hit me, at our Autism Speaks walk he loved the Taekwondo teacher and spent some time talking to him. So, lets throw caution and lets be honest my worries to the wind and take him to a class. I discussed via email all about Cam prior to the class and the instructor didn’t run away, so I thought that was a good sign. Cam was so excited when I told him about the class. He was on count down the day of; every minute after I picked him up from school I heard “is it time? Can we go now? How about now?” It was cute and heartwarming and shot my nerves into full force all at the same time. Off to class we went. We had a long talk in the car about listening, doing as he’s told, etc. We got there and I could see the nerves in his little face. I kept telling myself to hold it together (shockingly I did) and reminding myself it is good for him. Class began and I held my breath for most of the 30-minute class. My nerves at this point were out of control and my worry was on overdrive. But, he did great! Did he stumble? Yes. Was he awkward? Yes. Did he give up? NO! Did he love it? YES! Even though it was hard for him and he was completely uncomfortable with new kids, new teacher, new place…he did amazing and even better he asked me to promise to take him back to the next class. Which of course I said yes, cried behind my glasses in the car with pride and celebrated with a little happy dance when we got home. Who knows if this will be the “thing” that is right for him, but no matter what he is excited, he wants to do it and he is willing to try it. Right now, at this very second, that is all that matters to me.

I told my husband on New Years day that 2014 is going to be our year. We have had one hell of a ride on this Autism rollercoaster, put other life issues being thrown at us and everything in between and I believe we deserve a great year. Cam SO deserves one. At the age of 7 he has had so many people against him, differences thrown at him, people not wanting to understand him….dang it he deserves an amazing year! This is a year of positive changes, positive thoughts and dang it awesomeness for my not so little any more guy and our family. Autism rollercoaster….this year you are going to be good to us! 

Entering His World

  Christmas has come and gone…which in itself is hard to believe.  This year Cam was more into it than he ever has been, which made the holiday with him and his sister so much fun. Christmas morning came and knots came to my stomach. Will he like what Santa brought? Will there be a meltdown because it is too much? Worry and knots filled me starting around 2 am when I couldn’t sleep out of excitement to see their little faces in the morning and also out of worry. Then around 6 am I got the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for…Cam came running into our room screaming, “Santa came mommy!! Santa came!” He was SO excited and it just went uphill from there. Each present he opened he was grateful for, he was excited about and he just enjoyed the entire morning. He is typically a grateful child just doesn’t know how to show it and if he doesn’t like something you know it right away. But, this morning was different. I could tell how grateful he was in his sweet little face and he kept screaming “thank you Santa! This is the best Christmas ever! Thank you Santa!” It truly was a magical morning.

  For Christmas one of Cam’s big presents was the game Skylanders Swap Force. Now to be honest I knew nothing about this game really, except that it was one of the only big things he wanted for Christmas and that for the past three years my son has loved anything that has to do with Skylanders. But when it comes to the heroes, villains, etc I haven’t a clue. Well, that is until now. Cam asked me to come in and play with him the other day and I said I would but that he had to promise he wouldn’t get mad at me when I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. He promised and off I went into Skylander world with my son. About an hour in I realized why he loved the game so much and there he and I sat laughing and spending some really great quality time together. I entered into my son’s world instead of making him enter into mine. I am sure that sounds a little bit crazy so let me try to explain. Since Cam’s diagnosis I have made it a mission to always make Cam come into our world, not stay isolated and not allow him to use his disability to avoid anything. But, I believe in my whole learning to be ok with his Autism that I discussed in my last blog that this is a part of it for me. Going into his world and not forcing him to just be in mine. So we sat and played Skylanders for a couple of hours, his sister at one point even came in and cheered us on, laughed with us and she helped me in some areas that I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I typically don’t allow him to play any video game for that long, but this time was an exception. For the first time in what feels like FOREVER I felt like I was a part of my son’s life….a part of HIS world not a part of the world I make him be a part of. When I told him it was time to stop playing there was no meltdown like there usually is, he stopped playing and came out and we played board games and just had fun…something that we haven’t done without meltdowns or attitude in a very long time.

 So I decided to continue going into his world. After all it really wasn’t so bad. So each day since Christmas he and I have played Skylanders and we have laughed and we have bonded. What is funny is that he hasn’t wanted to just play that, now he has wanted to do things his sister wants to do, things that I want to do, he has been more at ease with everyone. Maybe I am wrong…but I think finally allowing him to be him and being a part of his world has helped him feel a little bit better about himself and has made him a happier little boy. Only time will tell….but for now I am enjoying being a part of his world. 

Reflecting...

With Christmas right around the corner it has been making me reflect on the past year…the good and the bad. It is hard to believe but it has been 3 years since we “officially” started this Autism journey. Of course I say official because I knew way before Cam’s diagnosis that something was different about him, but until the doctor said those words it was a completely different journey we were on. Now 3 years later the journey is forever changing, but this past year I have learned more than I ever thought possible.

This past year I started to let go of the anger that was inside of me because of the diagnosis. I started letting go of the sadness of the life that I dreamt of for Cam that will never happen. I didn’t realize until this year how very angry and sad I really was. I had kept saying to myself and everyone else that I was ok, but I never really dealt with it all. I just pushed forward and kept everything inside and hidden from everyone…some days even hidden from myself. But, while doing this I didn’t realize the angry person I had become. Until this year, I didn’t realize that I had become the sad, angry and bitter person I never wanted to become.

Once this realization hit me and let me tell you when it hit me, it was as if a mac truck had run me over. There were a few incidents and a couple friendships broken and one day I looked in the mirror and realized I was allowing these emotions, these very deep feelings to destroy me. And when I say it hit me like a mac truck, that is truly an understatement. Looking at myself in the mirror, crying and realizing I had become this type of person…it is a hard realization.

This Autism journey isn’t easy and most days it is so easy to get caught up in the hours of melt downs, the therapies, the doctors appointments, the constant parent-teacher conferences, the dirty looks from others, the whispers that you hear others say about your child as you walk by, the difficulties for your child that you never wanted…it just all gets overwhelming and it is very easy to allow it all to consume you and become angry and bitter. People who say they understand, unless you live it, eat it and breath it…you can never understand it. And that also made me angry and bitter…people who didn’t understand our lives. How could they judge something they have NO idea about? How could they say they understand…when in reality they never will?

But, once I got hit by that mac truck my outlook changed, my attitude changed and my life started becoming a little brighter. 2.5 years into the journey…better late than never, right? I started accepting this Autism journey for the good and the bad. Not just living it…but accepting it and being ok with all of it. I stopped apologizing for Cam and his “quirks”, his meltdowns, his non eye contact…you name it and I stopped apologizing for it. I stopped apologizing because I am not sorry for who he is. This was HUGE for me because I apologize for EVERYTHING….even things that I have no control over. I am just a person who doesn’t like to upset anyone, so I automatically take blame for things. BUT, with Cam there is no blame to take…this is my son…this is who he is, meltdowns, quirks, non eye contact and all. If I don’t accept him and stop apologizing for who he is, how can I expect anyone else to? Let me tell you how amazing this has felt. I wish I could describe it, but the only way I can, is to say that I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Then came the realization of the anger, the bitterness and to be completely and totally honest…the jealousy of friends and family with their “normal” children. I was angry with them for not having these struggles. I was jealous that their children were able to do the sports that Cam may never do, the play dates with no worries that I so wish Cam could have or the life that I had dreamt for Cam…their children will have that life but Cam won’t. I was bitter that they would complain about their children for things that I wish were my only worries and complaints for Cam. BUT, again I started to let this go and what a liberating feeling this is. I can’t be angry or bitter or jealous because it is not their fault that they or their children are not on this Autism journey. What do any of these emotions accomplish? Well I can tell you what they accomplish…loss of friendships, loss of myself…a pretty lonely world.

Now, I am not trying to say that all of a sudden I am walking around with rainbows surrounding me. I still have days that I am angry, bitter and jealous. But now they are less and now when I have them I try to remind myself of all the amazing things this Autism journey has and continues to teach me, show me and help me appreciate about life. No, it isn’t easy and no writing or talking will ever be able to explain our struggles BUT it is also pretty amazing. We celebrate the small things, we celebrate the big things, we celebrate pretty much everything because if it’s worth celebrating it’s because it has taken Cam a lot longer to get there and sometimes it’s to celebrate him doing things, accepting things, saying things that we never thought he would or could do. This year has been a liberating year, a year of letting go and moving forward. It was as if I had allowed my dreams for Cam to die when in reality I just needed to allow them to change. I needed to work through the anger, bitterness and jealousy once and for all to enjoy the incredible life that I do have with Cam.

2013 has been a learning year for me, a growing year and an accepting year. I won’t allow myself to look back, to wish I hadn’t been that angry, bitter, jealous person to continue to look at all of my mistakes on this Autism journey, because one, it isn’t easy and we all have to mourn in the beginning in our own way and though we are three years in, it is still the beginning and also because had I not been that person I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I have. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said “Autism….it’s not for wimps” and I laughed and said to myself “aint that the damn truth!” It’s not for wimps but it makes all of us that are on it, so much stronger than we ever thought we were and it teaches us…no matter how long it takes us to get there, that we as our child’s advocate, mother, friend and cheerleader can get through it. Once we stop mourning the life we wanted for our children and start to accept the wonderful life that they have, it is amazing the true happiness and true joy that comes into our lives. Or at least it has for mine.