I Held It In Mommy

“I held it in mommy, I wanted to scream but I held it in.” The words I never thought I would hear Cam say because I honestly never thought he would ever be able to hold it in or understand that he was able to. And when I say "it", I mean the meltdowns, the screaming and kicking, the yelling mean words that he wouldn’t remember after the volcano that erupted in him calmed down. Had you told me 3 years ago when he was diagnosed that there would ever come a time where my son would be able to hold it in, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. Not because I didn’t or don’t believe in my son because I do with every ounce of my being. But because we had been dealing with these volcanoes for so long, we had been dealing with the phone calls to come pick him up from school because of these volcanoes for so long that I just never saw a possibility of a glimmer of hope. That is until today.

Today I arrived at parent pick up early as I always do. I arrive early so I can be one of the first cars in line so Cam can see me as soon as he walks out to the parent pick up area because if he doesn’t see me he goes into complete panic mode, his severe anxiety kicks in and well it’s just not pretty. It has happened once that he didn’t see me right away and it wasn’t pretty. Ok, I got off track….so I arrived and I heard the fire alarm for a fire drill going off and I saw the kids in the area they are suppose to go to for the fire drill so I honestly didn’t think anything of it. That is until one of the administrators came out with what appeared to be a yellow flag in his hand and all I could see was hand gestures to the parents in their cars in front of me, they started driving off and my heart sank. The news has put the fear of God in me when it comes to dropping my children off at school thanks to all of the school shootings, stabbings, etc. So yes that is where my mind and my heart went. Do I over panic? Absolutely and I know that. So he came to my car and my panic was changed to worry for Cam because he told me to drive over to the other side to pick Cam up early because the fire alarm had broken during the drill and had been going off for over an hour and they were allowing us to all take our children home early.

My heart then sank completely as I drove over. I thought for sure I would pull up and see Cam in complete meltdown mode. He is not a fan of the loud noise of fire drills and this had been going on for over an hour! In my mind I was ready for the worst. Then I saw him and there was no meltdown going on at all. He was with his class and the other classes sitting there waiting patiently. I could see the confusion and worry on his face but he wasn’t melting down. The staff was wonderful, they got him right away and brought him to my car. And as soon as he got in I could just see so much worry, so much stress and confusion in his little face that it broke my heart. I said “it’s all over now. Mommy can take you home and it’s all over. Are you ok?” Then he sat there, shaking a little bit and said “I held it in mommy, I wanted to scream but I held it in. I didn’t get to see my speech teacher, I didn’t get to have my snack, I didn’t get to get my backpack, my lunch box or my favorite book. I didn’t like the noise it was so loud and all the kids were loud, I didn’t like it at all mommy.” He just kept saying for a few minutes how much he didn’t like it and how upset he was about not having speech today. He didn’t understand why his speech therapist that always comes to get him after recess never came. We talked about when the fire drill started and it was at the same time she usually comes to get him. He was worried that she was never coming because she didn’t come today. So once I helped him understand that, we went through all of the other things that upset him. But I kept telling him how very proud I am of him for holding it together so well. He said to me “mommy I don’t know how I did it, but I did.” Honestly I don’t know how he did it either but let me tell you I was beyond proud and yes I sat there driving him home with tears of my pride running down my face.

Cam amazes me with how far he’s come. Are there still meltdowns? Yes, but not as many as there once was. Are there still days that I just cry because of how hard they are with him?? Absolutely, I would be lying if I said otherwise. This journey with Cam isn’t easy, but it is so worth it. He continues to shine and I am so happy that I am his mom and that I get to be a part of this journey with him. 

Disappointment....

Some days are harder than others in this Autism world. And today those words ring so true. We have been riding a pretty good ride lately on the Autism rollercoaster of life. The school change for Cam has been amazing. He is really making progress socially with working so hard to make friends, be a good friend, etc. He has a long way to go, but I could care less about that, he is trying and that is all that matters. His meltdowns are few and far between these days. And when he does have them they are not nearly as bad as they were a year ago. Then, to top it all off we received Cam’s report card and he got straight A’s! His old school didn’t give letter grades, I won’t ramble about how much I disliked the grading system there, but I will say it so nice to see actual letter grades. We have been celebrating for the past two days because we want Cam to see how very proud we are of him and we want him to realize how very proud of himself he should be.

Then today our rollercoaster that has been heading high into the sky came crashing down and fast. Cam has been doing Tae Kwon Do since January and he has been trying extremely hard to master the different techniques. We have been waiting for two weeks to find out if he was going to test for his yellow belt this coming Saturday. It is all Cam has been able to worry about and I mean his nerves have been on overdrive. He wants the yellow belt and in his eyes he should get it because he has never missed a class, has tried his hardest and does his best. But, today Cam found out he isn’t ready to test on Saturday and he is crushed. He left class in tears and shut down once we got into the car. I tried to talk to him but he said he didn’t want to talk about it. It completely broke my heart. I sat with tears streaming down my face driving him home, wishing I could just give him a hug and make it all better. His coordination is completely against him and I knew it. But I also knew he was trying the hardest he’s ever tried at a sport and I was hoping that would get him to the test. He hasn’t shut down like this in a long time. We headed out to dinner in hopes that, that would bring up his spirit a little but it didn’t. He sat there upset and still not wanting to talk about it. My heart was hurting for him.

My husband and I had been concerned for a little while that the pressures of school, socializing, therapies, other personal struggles and then adding the pressure of testing for yellow belt were a little too much for Cam. Tonight he went to bed not speaking about it…until I went to check on him. He was sitting up, picking at himself to make himself bleed. He hasn’t done this in forever. He used to do it all of the time when he was upset, anxious, nervous or sad because he didn’t and still doesn’t know how to express himself in words so he picks at himself and hurts himself. Tonight when I saw him doing it, I knew that though he wasn’t talking, that it was because of the stress and disappointment of not being able to test. I hugged him, told him how very much I loved him and how very proud of him I am and then he opened up. He said “It’s not fair! I try like the other boys but I just can’t do it like them!” Once he was able to get that out we talked about how upset he is and how he doesn’t feel like he fits in because the other kids who have been there a less time than him are already doing things better than him. His coordination has always been against him on any sport he has tried and Tae Kwon Do is no different. If anything his issues with coordination shine brighter in Tae Kwon Do. We talked about the stresses of school, homework, friends, etc that are harder for him than others and how his dad and I never want him to add extra pressure if it’s not needed. We don’t want him hurting himself and his self esteem going down any further than it already is over any sport. We don’t want it to happen over anything, but especially a sport. We discussed his amazing report card and how that is what matters. I told him that sports aren’t for everyone and that’s ok. We discussed how incredible he is at Math and Science…he truly amazes me every day with how smart he is in these subjects.

I am hoping that he went to bed feeling better. He hugged me and told me he felt better. But, with Cam we just have to hope because when he’s done talking he completely shuts down. I wanted him to know that his dad and I are so very proud of him and that no belt testing was going to change that. The pressures he has, the obstacles he deals with every day are harder than any sport he could ever play. Who knows if he will continue, after seeing him hurting himself tonight over the disappointment and the feeling of complete failure I am not sure it would be best for him. No, he won’t always get everything he wants in life, just like he isn’t getting this yellow belt and no I can’t protect him from everything. But, if I see him spiraling into a depression, hurting himself and shutting down….nothing is worth that, absolutely nothing and I will do everything in my power to prevent it from happening. His road in life is hard enough and no belt is worth making it any harder. 

He's Teaching Me

Since Cam has been at his new school (3 weeks now can you believe it?!) I have had some worries about him making friends and fitting in. But with those worries it has had me thinking of my friendships also. I tend to try and get into Cam’s brain if at all possible so I can help him and with doing that it makes me take long looks in the mirror. Friendships are hard, family relationships are hard….so if it is hard for us as “neurotypicals”, imagine how it is for our children on the spectrum.

A great example was today for me looking in the mirror was, I had to attend an event with some family and friends. To say some of these family members are not a fan of mine is an understatement. Do I know why? Nope….I haven’t a clue. I can and have tried to guess, but I have never been told the reasons. Anyway…today prior to going to this event I was in complete panic. My heart was racing, I was physically sick to my stomach, my head was spinning, my hands were sweating, and it was completely awful. I always have anxiety when going to events with some of these family members because though I try not to care what people think of me, I do. Especially when it comes to family. So today my nerves were in complete overdrive. I, at one point driving there felt like I couldn’t breath. But, I was able to get my nerves somewhat together, tried my best to be myself and almost did a happy dance when it was over.

Then driving home, feeling relieved, it hit me. This must be what Cam feels like every time he has to deal with new people, eye contact, talking to people about things he doesn’t like, loud sounds, being around people who don't understand him and his differences, etc. What I went through today is exactly what my son goes through multiple times a day. I can’t imagine having this feeling every day. But….he does.

He struggles every day in “our” world, yet every day he is learning to hold it together. There are days where he holds it all in at school and then completely melts down at home. But don’t all of us some days want to have a good melt down? I knew today what was going on inside of me and why, but he doesn’t understand or know why he feels the anxiety, the anger, the sadness or frustration that he has inside. He can’t put into words any of it so he melts down. I don’t think I ever completely understood it until today. It made me cry to know this is what my son goes through on a daily basis.

Even though he has to deal with all of this inside, Cam is beginning to make friends at school. He is trying to relate to these friends in their interests and ask questions to show he cares. He is defying the odds that so many others informed me he would never be able to do when it comes to friendships. He is learning how to handle uncomfortable situations or communicate that he is uncomfortable without completely melting down. Yes, he still has meltdowns. But, they are less and I am seeing hope for my son to one day have true friendships and true family bonds.

My worries for Cam will always be there, but I believe through my own life experiences, not just this example, but many others, that I am starting to understand my son a little more. I am learning that us neurotypicals who think we have it all together and it’s the ones on the spectrums who don’t when it comes to family and friends….well folks we are wrong. If anything I am learning more from my son on how to hold it together, how to act and how to handle them better. Maybe it is Cam who should be worried about me because he seems to be holding it together and succeeding much better in these avenues than I am.  

Celebrating the New

It is hard to believe that tomorrow will mark two weeks that Cam has been at his new school. These two weeks have completely flown by, yet it seems like he has been there all school year. The change has been a completely positive change that I now wish we had done long ago, but I am trying to remind myself that I  can’t look back, I just have to be happy that we finally made the change.

Last Friday I had my first parent/teacher conference with Cam’s new teacher. I didn’t sleep the night before and was pretty sick to my stomach all day with nerves. This entire school year at Cam’s old school every conference ended with me in tears, fighting for my son’s rights, fighting for his teacher and other staff members to see my son and not just a diagnosis, fighting for the bullying to stop, I think you’re getting my point. Each meeting was Hell. So, I was trying to stay positive, telling myself it was a new teacher, new school, new possibilities but still had everything from his old school playing in my head. 2:15 could not come soon enough and then when it did come I wanted to run. That is until I sat down and the first words out of her mouth were, “I just want to let you know what a joy Cam is to have in my class and I am really enjoying getting to know him”. Now I was holding back tears, but not fighting, you don’t understand my son one bit tears, but happy tears. We talked for almost an hour and not once did she have anything negative to say. No, she didn’t tell me he was perfect but the couple of social issues that she has noticed she turned into a positive of something that we, together can work on. Academically she said he is doing amazing. She said he’s already making friends and has fit right in as though he’s been there all school year. She let me know that she will not treat him any differently and that there are some days he will come home not liking her because she is there to be his teacher not his friend and she will push him to be the best he can always be. Seriously, I wanted to hug this woman. I don’t want him to be treated differently than any other child, if he is then his differences stick out more than they already do and then his self-esteem continues to spiral downward. Yes, accommodations need to be made but if she doesn’t point them out to the entire class they will never even realize these accommodations are happening. She sees a child not a diagnosis and I love that! When Cam, his sister and I walked out of the classroom, Cam turned to me and said “mommy, I must be doing good enough for this teacher to like me because she was happy in the meeting and you aren’t crying like you always did at my old school”. Well now I am kiddo because it breaks my heart that one, he feels like he’s good enough now when he should have always felt like he was good enough for any teacher and two, I didn’t hide my tears well enough from him in the past.

Fast-forward to today and his school had a run-a-thon to raise money for the school and to help promote fitness for the students. The goal was for the children to run 20 laps in two hours or less and those 20 laps would equal approximately 5 miles. Cam usually isn’t much of a runner so I wasn’t really sure how well this was going to go and there were a ton of students running all together, so I was worried he would be overwhelmed. He had told me in the morning he was going to do all 20 laps but again my worries put doubt into my head for him. Well, leave it to my son to completely prove me wrong. He didn’t get overwhelmed at all and he was determined. In a little less than an hour he ran 14 laps, which equaled approximately 3.5 miles! I believe it is safe to say, I know he would have accomplished his goal had a bad storm not hit and they had to end the run-a-thon early. But, he did it and he never once gave up. He ran 99% of it and it was so awesome to watch him be so happy with his friends.

The change was scary for all of us but it was by far one of the best decisions we have made for Cam in a long time. The teachers at his new school really care and they are seeing Cam as a child not as a diagnosis they don’t feel like dealing with. His self-esteem is improving, the depression he was in is going away and he is happy and loving school. The struggles that Cam went through this entire school year at his old school is something that I wish I could erase for him and I wish we would have made this change earlier but as I said earlier I am trying not to dwell on the should haves. “That” school is an amazing school and has turned Cam into a different child in just a short two weeks. Celebrating the new and moving on from the old. 

I Lied....

I have lied….lied to those who read this blog, lied to friends and family and lied to myself. Funny thing is I hate people who lie and yet as I sit here I am admitting that I have lied. I have allowed myself to sit in silence recently and to really think. If you haven’t done that for a while, I highly recommend it. It is amazing what you can find out about yourself when you are left alone with your thoughts. I wrote a while ago that I had accepted Cam’s differences and that I was riding a happy train. Well, when sitting in my complete silence with my own thoughts, I realized I had lied. Not intentionally but I had for sure been lying. I haven’t been on the happy train with Cam’s diagnosis….you know what train I have been on? The depressed train and I have been on a one-way ticket to Gloomville. To be honest it isn’t just Cam’s diagnosis that has had me on this train but all that has come with it. The fighting with schools, insurance companies, family members, you name it and I feel like I am constantly fighting for my son. But, do I always have to be fighting? I am definitely a different person today than I was prior to his diagnosis. I am not the happy person I used to be.

I am currently failing as a wife, though my husband will tell me differently because he is just that kind of man who I am so fortunate that he loves me beyond all my flaws and there are many days I question his sanity for doing so. But I am not currently the wife he deserves. I have failed or am failing some of my friendships. No, not all friendships that I have lost along this journey are my fault….but there are some that have been damaged or lost along the way. I am failing as a mom. Though I do my best to always be there for my children and love them more than they will ever know. I have allowed my own depression to not be in the moment fully with them. I have failed or am failing some family members because I have allowed my own depression or life problems to get in the way of being there for them. So, at the moment as I am writing this I am finally being honest. I am putting it out there because I hate people who lie and I, myself cannot continue to live this lie or continue to fail those most important to me.

My journey in life with Cam is so different than I ever imagined it would be. Not because he doesn’t play certain sports, though since I am being honest, it does pain me some days when I see children playing all of these different sports, having fun with their friends while doing so and then I see my son, who just can’t. It’s not because he isn’t the son I always wanted because he is and so much more. It’s also not because he isn’t amazing because my son is beyond amazing. You need to know anything about minerals, animals or dinosaurs he can tell you whatever it is you need to know. He can tell you the worst knock knock jokes and still make you laugh uncontrollably because of the way he tells them. My son’s memory amazes me every day. He will tell me how old he was when he received a gift and who it was from and it starts as young as the age of 2 and he’s always right or when and where we were doing something or he learned something and he is always right. I can’t remember where I left my glasses at and my son remembers things from the age of 2. But, my journey is different because I never imagined having this anger at the world for my son’s struggles. I never imagined being depressed because I was so angry and hurt by the people who don’t understand my son. I never imagined family turning their backs on my son or people telling me the doubts they have of my son’s capabilities. There are so many aspects of this life journey with Cam that I never imagined.

I didn’t realize how depressed I really was until all of these changes with Cam’s new school happened. The fights that I had to do for my son to get the help he needed and deserved with his old school were unbelievable. They saw a diagnosis, not a child. I was so angry but I allowed myself to pretend like I was riding on the happy train. I continued to live a lie, a lie that I was allowing to destroy my entire world. I gave a friend of mine advice the other night to just lock herself in the bathroom and do the ugly cry. I said the bathroom because lets be honest as mom’s that is pretty much the only place we can go that our children won’t follow us and if they do and the door is locked they will eventually go away out of pure boredom. I decided to take my own advice and I just let out the ugliest cry you could ever imagine. Sad thing is I probably could have gone on for days but I sat there for about an hour just letting it all out. I didn’t realize how much anger, depression or sadness I really had in me until I just let it all out. I told my friend it would make her feel better and I was right, it really does make you feel just a little better.

I am going to work on getting myself out of this depression. My son has Autism, it is not the end of the world and I realize that. But, his struggles some days feel like they are the end of the world. The fights that I fight some days feel like my world is going to end. But, first thing I am doing to start fighting against this depression is to put this out there to whoever reads this, I am not going to allow myself to live a lie. I want to go back to being the happy person….the truly happy person I once was. I want to stop failing the people in my life who mean the most to me and I can’t do that if I continue to live this lie. My son has Autism and I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself because of it. I don’t allow him to use it as a crutch to not succeed in his life and I am not going to allow myself to use it as a crutch in mine.

(On a complete side note Cam’s doing AMAZING in his new school and there will a blog post about that soon)

Change CAN Be a Good Thing

What a difference a day can make. This morning Cam started at his old/new school. Nerves for both of us were in full force this morning. He barely ate his breakfast and I could see it in his little eyes that the nerves were on overload. His two favorite subjects right now are Science and Math. So to get his mind off things I started asking math questions. It was like an ease took over him and the nonstop thinking about the change went away for a little bit. The entire way to school we kept doing the math problems. I am not sure who it helped more, me or him. But we made it to the school with the nerves a little more at ease than they were when we woke up. We walked in and met with the registrar and she is the one who took him off to class. Let the tears and nerves go into overload. Not for him, for me. He and I are both used to me walking him to class every day, but that is not the way at this school. I thought for sure this would start a complete meltdown because of nerves and because of another change for him. I am beyond proud to say that there was no meltdown, in fact he walked off with her and barely looked back. He did stop and say, “I love you mommy see you at pick up.” Oh, my boy’s sweet words melted my heart and I was so proud of how well he was holding it all together.

After drop off I was a complete nervous wreck. My stomach was in knots. I was a little at ease because he did do so well at the drop off, but all of the what if’s started to play in my mind. What if we made the wrong decision? What if he has a meltdown today and the kids laugh at him? What if he doesn’t like the smell somewhere and completely freaks out? What if? What if? What if? Oh, so many what ifs. Luckily a good friend of mine just had an adorable little baby that I was able to go and snuggle with for awhile and it took my mind away from the what ifs. As I sat there holding this precious little boy I remembered all of the promises I made Cam the day he was born and the biggest one was, no matter what I am always here for you and I will always protect you. So, even if one or two or all of those what ifs happened, I was there for him and I would somehow, someway make it all better. That’s what all moms tell their children, I think with special needs children we’re just put to the test a little more each day of proving it to our children because we are constantly fighting for them.

Pick up time came and I sat in the car on pins and needles. Pick up is different there; I can’t just go up to the classroom door any more. I have to wait in my car and the classes come out to the pick up area and the teacher or administrator put the child in the car. So I sat waiting and waiting, I tell you it felt like HOURS. It wasn’t, but it felt like it. And then I saw him, walking in line properly with his class and he had a smile on his face. Can you guess what I did? Yep, I started to cry. I swear one day I will learn to hold these darn tears back. He hopped in the car and started basically screaming with excitement all about his day. His teacher is amazing and she’s pretty. And yes my son told her she’s pretty….sucking up on the first day, making his mama proud. He told me he had music and it was ok but not his favorite special area. Which is usual for him, he doesn’t like all of the loud noises. Then came up “mommy, X is in my class and he remembers me from Kindergarten and Y and Z are two girls that were in my Kindergarten class and they remember me too and they ate lunch with me! They ASKED me to sit with them mommy! And mommy I did what you taught me and I asked X what he likes and I tried to listen” Um, yeah tears are flowing. Thank you lord for sunglasses. And just when I didn’t think it could get any better he says “AND mommy at recess X played with me! He really played with me and I played soccer with him and some other boys that I have no idea what their names are.” That made me laugh and so very proud. He played with other kids! They ASKED him to play with them! I asked him if he was happy about the change still and his answer sealed the deal “mommy, you and daddy were right change CAN be a good thing and I LOVE my school and I want to stay here forever, well forever for elementary school which is 5^th grade…yeah mommy I want to stay here until I graduate 5^th grade. Mommy this school is awesome!” He barely took a breath telling me about his entire day and he couldn’t stop talking about it. It has been so long since I have seen him this happy about school and see a smile so big on his face.

I know not every day will be this great, but for today I am enjoying every second of it. Cam has made such huge strides and today was just another example that anything is possible! I never would have imagined my son would have handled change so well if you had asked me a year or two ago. As a parent of a child on the spectrum you get so used to fighting and hearing all the negative and seeing your child struggle and depressed because of the bullying and struggles that you forget there are those amazingly positive, happy days. Today proved to my husband and I that we made the right decision. Cam went to bed thanking God in his prayers tonight for his new school and for kids actually wanting to sit with him at lunch and play with him at recess. His prayers broke my heart and made me happy all in one breath. No, not every day will be rainbows and sunshine but today is and today we celebrate that change CAN be a good thing. 

Change is in the Air

Change is in the air for Cam. Tomorrow he will start at a new school. Well, technically and old/new school. Confused yet? Let me give you a little back-story. When Cam was in kindergarten he started out at one school. This school is a small, older school but it is a really great school. But, in our area this school is looked badly upon because of the area that surrounds it. It’s not the greatest area but the school itself is wonderful. Well, as much as I like to speak my mind and pretend that I don’t care what others think…I really do. I am working hard on this flaw of mine. Why should I care? But I do and you’re not reading this to learn about that flaw of mine. So, anyway Cam started at this school and because of what others perceptions of this school were my husband and I honestly never gave it a chance. We pretty much found anything wrong with it that we could. Were these real problems? Not at all. Was the teacher excellent? Yes she was and Cam loved her. Did he have a few little friends? Yes, he was starting to. Then in the middle of the school year we transferred him. And now you are probably thinking…why? If everything for the most part was so great, why in the world did you move him? Well to be honest and I am honest to a fault, we did it for two reasons. One being we thought the school that we were transferring him to was a better school for him and the second reason was because we cared too much what others thought and wanted him at a school that others didn’t shun. So, half way through Kindergarten he started at “the” school. Cam wasn’t excited about the change at first but we didn’t give him another option. So, that’s the back-story.

Cam has been at “the” school ever since and once again to be completely honest I have had concerns and issues with “the” school since day one. Now don’t get me wrong, “the” school is a good school. If your child is neurotypical it is one that I would recommend. But, Cam isn’t neurotypical. Cam has struggles, he has mild behavioral issues, and….well, he has Asperger’s. So, because of a lot of my concerns and issues with “the” school, last Summer I was ready to transfer him. "THAT" school is able to offer him more of what he needs. I had talked to him and he was somewhat ok with it. He isn’t a fan of change, so his dislike of change was making him somewhat ok and not 100% ready for change. I had talked myself into it because “hey I don’t care what people think” and “change is good”. Well folks, I completely lied to myself on both accounts. When I would tell someone I was transferring him back I would get the comments of “oh, you’re really going to take him to THAT school” or “I can’t believe you’re really transferring him to THAT school”. Put that with my absolute fear of change for my son, the unknown is scary and I feared that I would be failing him with the unknown. I fear change when it comes to my children just as much as Cam fears change. So, put my fear and caring what others think and well Cam started this school year at “the” school. This school year for the most part has been a horrible rollercoaster. With more downs than ups and for the most part they weren’t Cam’s fault. “The” school just really didn’t know how to handle Cam and this year more than the year and a half prior it came shining through. Then add the fact that my son is now coming home depressed because he has no friends and because he knows some of the other students are laughing at him and well it has been a year from hell.

Yesterday was the icing on the cake of issues and my husband and I decided after LOTS of thought that it was time to make the change. So, we talked to Cam about transferring him to “THAT” school and he was excited. Now my son doesn’t get excited when it comes to change for anything, so for him to be excited told us that he has been really miserable. He told us “I don’t like change but I think I will like this change”. Of course I didn’t sleep at all last night because I was sick to my stomach with worry. Am I making the right decision? Am I failing him? Is “THAT” school the right one? And then the caring what others thought came in my head about transferring him to “THAT” school. But, then it was like a little light bulb went off in the middle of the night and I finally realized when it comes to school and what is best for my son it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. They are not the ones who deal with his struggles, his depression and low self-esteem. They are not the ones who deal with his meltdowns at home because he has tried his hardest to keep it together at school all day so the children don’t laugh at him more than they already do. It is time to transfer back to “THAT” school. If I don’t do it now I will never do it. So, this morning Cam and I went together and registered him at “THAT” school and my son is very excited about the change. He didn’t stop talking about it all day. He was honest and said he’s very nervous but he’s also very excited.

I still got the “Oh you’re transferring him to “THAT” school” comments today when I told some friends, but for the first time I just didn’t care. “THAT” school is what is best for my son right now, he is excited about going to “THAT” school and I know in my heart we are making the right decision. Change is so scary and I know I won’t sleep tonight and all day tomorrow will be a nervous wreck until I pick him up. But, this is what he needs….this is what he deserves. So, tomorrow morning he starts back at his old/new school and for once in his life my son is excited about change.