Leaving on a jet plane

Last night a friend reached out to me and gave me so much advice on how to help Cam with his school issues that I sat here and cried tears of joy. For the first time in a long time I felt like I have answers, a path that I am going to go down with him and one that I think is going to be the best one for him. I cried because I was overcome with such appreciation for this friend. She gave advice that is going to help him so much and I can’t ever begin to thank her enough. Cam will one day be thanking her because I will be able to share with him all the help she gave that he never realized or knew. This isn’t the first time she has helped and I know it won’t be the last because she is a woman who truly cares about children.

Today we headed to Sea World and it was the first day in I can’t tell you how long that I felt a sense of relief. I was truly able to enjoy the entire day without worrying about everything back home. We have a path for Cam and though it will be a bumpy one, we have one. Cam, Peyton and I enjoyed beautiful weather, beautiful animals and laughs that one person said was like music to their ears today. We had a dolphin meet us face to face and the kids thought that was about the coolest thing they’ve ever seen. We saw every animal there, ate lunch with the sharks and ended it with each of them having a Shamu ice cream. It really was a day that all of us needed. At lunch the three of us talked about my trip tomorrow. Cam said he wasn’t happy that I was leaving but was happy that he remembered he can call me whenever he wants too. We talked about that we’re all going to miss each other a lot but it’s ok for me to go away because I always come back. Cam still isn’t sold on the fact that I’m leaving but it was nice to actually be able to talk about it and have no meltdowns.

So, tomorrow I head out on a jet plane for Nashville. I am feeling guilt, worry and sadness for leaving them. But, I am also feeling excitement to see my best friend and happiness to be fortunate enough to have a husband who loves me and our children so much that he is kicking me out of the house so I can get some “me” time. Today, I needed to spend some time with the kiddos to laugh and relax and tomorrow I am heading for time to relax with my best friend. I have had a couple of friends text, call and message me telling me to have a great time and reminding me that even though I am a mom, a special needs mom, that I am still a person who needs time away and that’s ok. To those friends and you know who you are, I love you and feel so fortunate to have each of you in my life. I have been on a pity roll lately and have allowed the obstacles in life and certain people to really get me down when that is normally not the person I am. As I sat here last night crying tears of joy and thankfulness for finally having light on Cam’s path for school, I also cried because I am tired of letting it all of this get the best of me. I am going to go back to being the happy mom I always want to be. A pity party really gets me nowhere and it is ridiculous. I have two amazing children, an incredible husband, friends who are more like family than just friends and I have some family members who are truly amazing. So what if life isn’t always easy, it’s not going to ever be with Cam, but that doesn’t mean it has to be sad. He said to me today “mommy, I like when you smile because it helps me know you’re happy.” A nice reminder that I need to smile more and remind him and everyone else how truly happy and blessed I am.

Choices

I am having a hard time lately with Cam’s hate for school. Clearly no mother wants their child to hate school, I understand this. But, my son is now having meltdowns pretty much every morning when he realizes that he has to go there. He has always not liked it and I can’t say I blame him. He doesn’t fit in anywhere, the noises are too loud, the smells get to him, he has to repeat spelling words and math problems over and over again that he already knows and he is just plain miserable. But, the meltdowns are becoming more frequent and getting more severe. So, of course I want to figure out why and try and put my super hero cape on and fix it. I started thinking back to last year, trying to remember when the meltdowns started up more and it was around this time too. Then it hit me like a “duh” moment. His therapists and doctors have told me that though he has his outrageous meltdowns and he is letting out some of his anxiety, anger, etc during those. He still has a lot of anxiety, anger and confusion on the inside in regards to his feelings, his confusion on this world that is hard for him to understand. He allows it to build up inside of him and when the meltdowns are getting out of control more, which clearly they are it is because the levels of all of these feelings on the inside are escalating. These meltdowns are happening more intense now because he has been trying to conform to a world at school that he just can’t. He’s been keeping inside all of these feelings about school and now he can’t keep it in but can’t explain it either, so he is they are becoming much more frequent and more severe.

So, now what do I do. I realize why they are happening but how do I fix it. Here in lies the place where I am struggling. Where I am feeling like a complete failure as a mother for him. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I decide to do for him next school year, he will be staying right where he is for the remainder of this year. He has AMAZING and VERY caring teachers and though he is struggling with other areas, they are helping him and being there for him in every way they can. However, I still want to figure out how to help him not have such issues in the morning, anxiety and meltdowns. But, what do I do for him next school year? How do I help him? I feel like whatever I choose I am still failing him because what if it’s not the right choice? If I home school is that the right choice? Or do I send him to a specialized Autism school? Do I keep him where he’s at and just hope it gets better? We’re on two years of “regular” school and he is still having all of these issues so I am not sure the last one is the right option. But what is the right decision? Is there even a right decision? How do I figure out which one is right? How do I not completely fail him? I already feel like I am, but how do I not continue to completely fail him?

Now, this is not a pity party for myself. Though after reading it, it’s hard for it not to sound like it. I know I do one thing right for him and it’s the most important thing and that is I love him with every ounce of my being. But, more importantly he knows that I love him that much. I would be a complete failure if he didn’t, but he does. I tell him and show him all of the time I love him because I want him to always know that. I say, “I love you, bug” and he’ll say, “I know, mommy”. Him saying I know lets me know I am doing something right.

But, when it comes to the school issues I feel like I am failing him. I feel like there really is no “right” answer. I feel like no matter what decision I make in some way it will be the wrong one. I just want him to be happier. I want him to enjoy whatever it is I choose. He has enough issues in life; I don’t want the entire school day to be one of them. I know some part of school no matter what the decision I make is, will be hard; I am not fooling myself to think otherwise. But, I would like for it to not all be hard on him. He has to grow up in a world where strangers, friends and family don’t understand him. Isn’t that hard enough? He has to grow up not understanding emotions going on inside, smells that he can’t tolerate, loud noises that make him drop to his knees and cover his ears. Isn’t that hard enough? School at this young of an age, shouldn’t be one those horrible struggles. So…..what is the right choice???

Worry....

Cam headed back to school today after having his nice long weekend. He was not overly excited about the idea of heading back, but he had no choice since I got him dressed and told him he was going. He had a pretty good day from what little he would tell me about it. Then as soon as we got home he wanted to be alone. He asked if he could have his iPad to watch..you guessed it Wild Kratts alone in his room. I agreed, but wanted to talk to him first. I decided to start preparing him for my trip. My trip that I leave for on THIS Thursday. But who am I kidding...I am not just preparing him, I am starting to prepare myself. I have never left my children for this long and the reality of it all is starting to set in. 

So we sat at the kitchen area while he had a snack and I began to tell him about my trip. He never looked up but I was watching his face. I wanted to see if I could see any worry, fear...anything. He stopped eating and started to ask why I was leaving and how long was I going to be gone. I told him I would drop him off at school Thursday morning and then he would help daddy and Peyton come pick me up on Sunday. He started to get really upset, he didn't understand why I had to go away to see a friend when I have friends here. He then went through the list of friends that he knows that I have here. He said they will not like that I am leaving them. I tried to explain to him that they were going to be ok with me leaving and that they knew I would be coming back soon too. This really started to break my heart. He wasn't crying, he was angry. I tried to give him some time to calm down so I sat in silence. Then out of nowhere he screams "mommy I HATE school! And I HATE you for making me go! I want to stay home! I want YOU to be my teacher! I don't want you to go visit a friend because YOU need to be MYYYYYYYYY teacher!!!" And right there the meltdown begins. He hates me, but doesn't want me to leave and wants me to be his teacher? His therapists and doctors have always reminded me that the awful things he says to me in his meltdowns are because he takes it out on the one who he feels safest with. Yeah...makes complete sense huh? Not really. But I try reminding myself of that when my son is screaming it at the top of his lungs for what seems like an eternity...this time it was only 20 minutes or so. I finally get him calmed down, by holding him in what may seem as a sumo wrestler hold. That may one day be my future job, being his mom is giving me plenty of practice. I tell him that he can have daddy call me whenever he wants to talk to me and if he wants to see me, daddy can use his phone to use the facetime option. (thank goodness for technology!) He says "you promise, whenever mommy?" I think oh great, sorry daddy, hope he doesn't wake you up at 2 am wanting to call me. I promise him whenever he wants. He seems to be pretty happy with that deal. Then, because my guilt is huge for leaving them I tell him about the talk I had with his teacher. I asked her if it would be ok for him to miss school on Wednesday so I could take him and Peyton somewhere special because of my trip. Yes, I am that crazy mom that needs to run things by the teacher. I want to make sure he is not going to miss anything big...if you couldn't tell I worry about EVERYTHING when it comes to him...who am I kidding, when it comes to him, my daughter and my husband. I WORRY! 

So anyways, he gets excited. "You mean I DON'T have to go to school on Wednesday because you're taking Peyton and me somewhere special before you leave?!!" That's right kiddo, mommy guilt is here and you get to play hooky! So, I tell him he and Peyton get to pick wherever they want to go. He says "Ok mommy, after I watch a few of my Wild Kratts shows I will tell Peyton where...I mean ask her if she wants to go where I want to go...ok? But, that doesn't mean I can't still call you whenever I want...right mommy?!!!" What I wanted to say was no worries kiddo...if you don't call me I will call you. But, I promised him he could still call me whenever he wants. 

Later after dinner he has decided where we should go. He says to Peyton "don't you want to go to Sea World for our special place? I know you love animals just like, I do, so I know that is where you want to go too, right??" She truly is the best little sister he could ever ask for because she usually agrees with anything he wants. But, my little diva sometimes likes to stir the pot these days, so she says "no, I don't want to go there I really want to go to Cinderella's castle". Cams eyes start to well up with tears and I can see the meltdown coming. Then she says, "I'm just kidding of course I want to go to Sea World." And she laughs so hard she almost fell out of her chair. She may only be 4, but she is already into the sarcasm and jokes. His face gets happier and all is right in Cam's world.

Cam's night ended on a good note. Some ice cream in the belly, a couple of books read and off to bed he went. I am sure he will be dreaming about Sea World until Wednesday and hopefully that is also what will get him through the day tomorrow at school. I have guilt about leaving him...about leaving all of them. I am fortunate that my other half is practically kicking me out the door because he believes I need some "me" time, but that doesn't mean I won't worry. Worrying is one thing I am really good at. That and becoming a sumo wrestler....

Snow Day

I remember when I was growing up before we moved to Florida and lived up north, I loved snow days. It didn't only mean no school, but it meant getting to go outside and play in the snow, throwing snowballs, making snow angels and sometimes even sledding. It meant a free day from school with no worries but just to play and have fun. In Florida we don't get those. Now, no I am not complaining that we don't have to shovel snow or start our cars 2 hours before we need to leave the house so that way they are warm enough for us to be able to drive. But, the only way there is anything close to a snow day here in Florida, is if there is a hurricane. And usually when there is a hurricane that means we have no power, no fun, nothing. So, today I decided that Cam needed a snow day, Florida style.

As we all know he has been having a lot of rough times and I wanted to change that. At least for a day. So, today was a snow day...Florida style. I surprised him when he woke up and told him he didn't have to go to school today. He was beyond happy. Then I told him, instead of school, he, Peyton and I were heading to the beach. Not only was he excited but Peyton couldn't get her little bathing suit on fast enough, she was so excited. We packed up everything and headed to the beach.

The weather was beautiful, perfect snow day in Florida. We played in the sand, building sand castles, burying each other and making little rivers. We jumped the waves, ran away from the big ones laughing and playing. We chased the birds and had a picnic while watching the waves crash and planes fly over. I saw no worries in Cams eyes, no sadness, no anxiety. I saw nothing but smiles, calm, sweet smiles. I heard his young laugh, the one that I haven't heard in way too long. Yes, he's had some good days here and there but nothing like today. There was no angry growling, no meltdowns. Nothing but smiles, laughing and fun. 

I worry what to do about his school situation. About the smells he can't stand, the noises that are too loud, the social issues he doesn't understand. I don't know if main stream school is where he needs to be. Maybe a private Autism school or maybe even homeschool. Now for the people who say you can't shelter him forever, I know this. However, we are talking about a child who is 6 but socially he is 3, living in a social world of 6 and 7 year olds. Is that really fair? The stress and anxiety going on in his little body that he doesn't understand, that he can't communicate about. Is that really fair? I am not sure what the right answer for him is, that is something that I worry about and hope to make the right decision.

But, I do know that today there was sun, sand and waves that took all of his worries away. They took all of my worries away. I do know that we laughed and joked and were silly for an entire day. An entire day of the perfect medicine...a snow day, Florida style. 

Pajama Party

Today started off normal. Cam wakes up, gets ready for school and then drop off time comes. He growls at me as we park that he doesn't want to go. I growl back that school is not an option and that went over well as you can imagine. His new idea is that I should be his teacher and that he doesn't need to actually go to school for that to happen. The kid at the age of 6 is smarter and deliberates better than most adults I know...including myself. But, his deliberating this morning got him nowhere but in his classroom. When we walked in he only wanted to read his book about animals, so getting him to actually look up at the board and see what the writing assignment was about was a struggle. Once he finally did look up, I saw the blank stare in his eyes and the freezing up began. Today's topic was, if you met a scientist what is one question you would ask them and why? I began to think of all the animals he has been talking about and trying to think of questions he could write about, when he looked at me and said he had a question to write about. "I think I would ask about why people want to kill elephants for their tusks when elephants are such beautiful creatures." You could have knocked me over with a feather! He thought of it all on his own and actually had a good topic to write about. I left quickly as to not ruin the moment or distract him from his writing. What a great morning, right?!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later and my phone rings and it's the school. My heart sinks, why are they calling? See typical parents can assume that they are calling for something good or possibly that their child is sick. Cam has had such issues in the past that every time my phone rang it meant a meltdown was happening, chairs had been thrown during the meltdown, etc., I think you get the point. The phone calls were never good. So, I answer the phone and this time it is just to tell me that he said his stomach hurts and could I please come get him. Not happy that his stomach hurts, but very happy that there were no other issues going on. I head to pick him up and it's during recess and he's sitting next to the tree holding his stomach and his teacher said he's been complaining about it for awhile, so she was concerned. We head home and he says he's starting to feel a little better. Once we got home, in his words "it's weird, it's like poof and my tummy feels a lot better". Ok, ya got one over on your mom and you got to come home. But, this isn't like Cam, he doesn't lie. Now, yes I know kids pull this type of stuff on their parents all of the time, but Cam doesn't. He can't lie, it's not in him. So, something must be up. We talk to him and find out he had a rough day and just wanted to come home. The noise in music class was way too loud and even when he covered his ears it still hurt them. Then he got to another class and again the kids were being really loud and that's when he said his stomach started to hurt. So, do I think he had a really stomach ache? No. But, I do think he didn't understand how to express everything that was going on inside and maybe from the anxiety of everything going on today, plus his anxiety with school in general his body was tense and he thought it was a real stomach pain.

Here's where my mommy issue really came into play. We were suppose to go to a pajama party at Chick-Fil-A tonight, the kids especially Cam were beyond excited about it. Cam had been talking all week about it. But, he came home early from school and we didn't think it was right to let him go do something fun when he came home sick. So, we told him that we wouldn't be able to go. Insert big meltdown here. He just kept telling us that he felt better now, how much he wanted to go, you name it and he yelled it with huge tears streaming down his face. So, daddy and I look at each other and told him that he can go play in the playroom while we talk. Once he calmed down, he was good with that idea. We decided that we didn't want to punish him really because he didn't lie, he felt his stomach hurt and it wasn't just to come home. It was to escape the loud noises that were hurting his ears and the tension from school. But, we still didn't feel right just taking him and saying all is ok. So, I came up with a compromise, we would go through the drive thru and we would come home and eat in our pajamas and have a pajama party here. One, this is a better idea anyway because he usually gets very overwhelmed at big events like this and two we're not letting him go, but still letting him have fun.

So, our pajama party is in full effect! Guess what Cam wanted to do for it? Eat his dinner, play a little bit and watch Wild Kratts the rest of the night. Wild Kratts is good for everything, even pajama parties. Peyton wanted to do the same, so tonight is a win for both. 

I am really worried about the anxiety issues. I am proud of him for telling us what hurt his ears, that is a big step for him. But, I am so concerned about these issues with going to school and what it is causing internally for him. I now realize it is not just the social issues, but it is the sounds, the smells and the unknowns that are causing the anxiety too. But, for tonight we will party in our pajamas and let the problems of today fade into the background.

Cure?

So I am going to start this by saying these are my beliefs, my wishes, my thoughts. There is no political, biblical or any other "-cal" word that is going into this post, so please respect that. 

I was talking to a lady the other day and she told me she would pray for a cure for Cam's Autism. It struck me funny, I of course didn't say anything to her but thank you. But, I walked away with a thought in my head, do I really want a cure? Then I was reading a post a fellow AS mom wrote asking her followers if they wanted a cure for their child, which just started the wheels in my head turning even more. Scary thought I know but it does happen every so often. I was doing some things for our Autism walk today, which I am so very passionate about and it reminded me of a question a friend asked me awhile back, why are you walking? Now she is a very smart woman and her question wasn't because she didn't understand that Cam in fact has Autism but she was asking because she wanted to know do I want a cure and is that my reason for walking. 

The answer is no, I don't want a cure. Now some of you might think I am crazy for my answer, or I should crazier than you already think I am. But, I don't want a cure for Cam's Autism. Why would I want a cure for something that makes him...him? He is a unique, amazing, funny, smart and inquisitive little boy. He can tell me anything I would ever want to know about pretty much any animal on the planet and any dinosaur that ever lived. He has a youth in him that most children at his age don't have any more and it makes us able to enjoy life more each day because of it. Why would I want to look at him and tell him I don't want you to be you...I want to cure you? 

Yes, he has horrible struggles in life but these struggles are making him a stronger person and they are making us as a family stronger. But, can you honestly say that everyone else walks through life without struggles? No, not the same struggles, his are worse than most. But, there are also people out there struggling with life threatening illnesses, struggling to put a roof over their family's head, those are struggles that are far worse than my son having Autism. Can you look in the mirror and say you're accepting of people's differences? The answer to that question for me until I had Cam was no. I was not accepting of people's differences. I used to judge pretty much everyone in some capacity. I especially judged every parent when their child was screaming bloody murder and having a meltdown. I would ALWAYS say that is NEVER EVER going to be my child. I am thankful for Cam's Autism because it has taught me to not judge others paths, for we are all on different ones. I believe because of his Autism that he has the amazing ability to not judge anyone else, because he already knows what it is like to be different.

What do I wish for? Why do I walk or talk about his Autism all the time? I wish for acceptance of his differences. I wish for a society that didn't want to cure him but wanted to learn how to understand him. I wish that there was a cure for people's ignorance and not just when it came to Autism. Do I want to know why more children are being diagnosed with Autism? Absolutely! 1 in 88 children are diagnosed with Autism, that is a pretty scary statistic to read. 1 in 54 of those are boys, 1 in 54 of those is Cam. So, yes I would like to know why more children are being diagnosed. This is where I always hear people's opinions. The second they hear Cam has Autism they want to know my opinion of why he has Autism. The only thing I can tell you is that I have done more research, gone to listen to more speakers and talked to more doctors than most people have when it comes to this topic and I have my own beliefs. But to me that is what is wonderful about life, that we can all have different opinions. But, it doesn't make any of us right or wrong. I don't want a cure for Autism because I believe each child on the spectrum is a beautiful individual, an amazing piece to our puzzle. They all teach us about a life through different sets of eyes. Cam makes me see a world that I would have never knew existed if it weren't for his Autism.

As Temple Grandin said “If I could snap my fingers and be nonautistic, I would not. Autism is part of what I am.”

Please Do Not Judge

Since today was a holiday, Cam was happy to have the day off from school. He was in a pretty good mood, so I braved heading to the store with both him and Peyton. When he's having an off day, I do not brave this...why put myself in a position for him to have a complete meltdown when I know I can avoid it. We headed to the store, both of them were good, so I almost felt like I was living in the twilight zone. But, we got to the check out and the cashier was trying to be polite and make conversation with the Cam. So she asked him if he liked school and of course his response was no I hate it. Now, trust me I know most children do not like school, but Cam right now has a much different reason. He actually loves to learn, but right now he is struggling with not fitting in and not having any friends. So, the lady was shocked by his answer and her response was to me and not him. She said "you shouldn't allow him to have these feelings about school so young. You should really work with him more and encourage him more." Well, I didn't have to respond because Cam did, which she is lucky that I didn't because she would not have liked my response. Of course with him we never know what's about to come out of his mouth...good or bad, it is always a surprise. Cam blurted out "my mommy says I am not weird, but a lot of the kids at school say I am. This is my sister and best friend Peyton and I have Asperger's. My mommy and daddy say it makes me special but it really makes it hard for me to understand people like you." He said that all without taking a breath and then he was done with the conversation and walked to the front of the shopping cart. Well there ya have it lady, this is why my son hates school. He feels alone. He is struggling with knowing he has Asperger's...but doesn't understand it or the emotions, the questions, the feelings going on inside. He's struggling with people calling him weird. Then she just looked at me in complete shock, almost horror and was quiet the rest of the time while handling our transaction. 

But, this whole situation really bothered me and got me to thinking. Where did this lady get off assuming that I am not doing enough to help my son with school and not helping him learn to like it? Why when Cam told her he had Asperger's did she become silent and never apologize for her accusations on my parenting? Why did she not reassure my son that he was ok no matter what? Instead she acted as if he just told her he had some type of contagious disease and she couldn't get us out of there fast enough. The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. Well, part of that is not true, this is the first time Cam has just blurted out to a complete stranger that he has Asperger's. But, this is not the first time I have received the judging look or rude comments. I have been told I need to keep him at home until he is able to act like a "normal" child when he was having a meltdown in public or that I needed to use more discipline with him and just give him a good spanking. We live in a society where people judge before knowing any of the facts. So, my son at the age of 6, walks around being looked at, whispered about or laughed at before people actually get to know him. Like this lady today, people just assume the worst without knowing anything. Assuming the worst out of me is fine, I am a grown woman and I can handle it. Assuming the worst out of my six year old son who is going through enough in his life, I am not ok with. I wear an Autism pin, bracelet and I even have little  cards to hand out explaining what Autism is and that he is Autistic. I do this all to raise awareness and to hopefully detour the rude comments and looks. I wear these so that maybe people will see these symbols and they won't give the looks or say the comments. I wear these in hopes that they will help Cam not have to feel any more different than he already does because of these people assuming the worst when he says or does something. When he was younger he didn't hear or understand these comments, but now he does and it is not fair to him. It is not right that I have to try and nicely explain to him why people say the rude things they do or give the dirty looks. 

I wish our society was not so judging. We judge people over their weight, clothes, homes, cars...you name it we judge. As adults we know how to handle these judging looks and comments. But as a child, as an Autistic child he doesn't know how to handle them nor should he have to. He should be able to live his life and not hear the rude comments or see the stares. His life has too many obstacles as it is, worrying about mean comments and looks should not be one of them. Instead of assuming that he is just this horrible child I wish people would stop and think "is there something wrong to where he can't handle it?" I want our society to stop judging, to stop assuming the worst and to be much more accepting of all children with differences. As Cam grows up I want him to not tell people he's called weird or annoying, I want him to tell people that he's called smart and funny. I want him to stop being judged for things that are out of his control.