I haven’t written in awhile because I took a little break
from Autism. Let me explain so you don’t think that I have completely
lost it. Of course I live the Autism life every day with Cam but I needed a
break from the constant talking about it, the constant explaining it and
rehashing a lot of hurt that comes along with it from those that choose not to
understand it. Have to admit, it’s been kind of nice. I haven’t talked about it
really at all except to my husband or one very close friend who’s son also has
Asperger’s and she completely “gets” my life with Cam. But not talking about it
and feeling like I have to explain his every move has been kind of nice. Writing is in some ways my outlet but since I was taking a break Autism in other ways...I also took a break from writing about it too.
Cam graduated from first grade and I am so very proud of him
and all of his accomplishments this past school year. He’s been on Summer break
for a couple of weeks now and we’ve been having a great time so far. The
meltdowns are few and far between which I can’t even begin to describe how nice
that has been and when he does go to have one he’s been able to control them
better….I cry with pride just thinking about how far he’s come. He’s playing so
much better with other kiddos these days and even "sometimes" doing what the
other kiddos want to do. He is also starting to ask questions when he doesn’t understand
someone’s sarcasm or if he doesn’t understand a word someone says. These are
all huge steps forward….steps I didn’t think we would see for a very long time and
at some points when the bad days were far outnumbering the good days I didn’t
think we’d see them at all. Some days it is honestly completely overwhelming how far he
has come.
He won’t attend any Summer camps because well one, I don’t
think he’s ready to handle that and two we have so much fun doing all types of
different activities during the Summer that he doesn’t have much time to attend
any camps. It’s also very, very hard for me to believe that he has a birthday coming up…I can’t
wrap my head around the fact that he will be 7 soon. For some reason this
birthday is hitting me harder than others have for him. Maybe it’s because this
year we have seen him struggle so much in many different ways yet we have seen
him come so far in other areas. We usually celebrate with a big birthday party,
growing up birthdays were always a huge deal in my house so it’s something I
wanted to pass down to my children. And so far I think I have succeeded in that
area. Cam usually picks out the theme, we get a HUGE waterslide, invite tons of
friends and family and he is always SO very excited about it all. That is until
everyone gets here, then he seems to want to sneak away to his room and just
enjoy it from afar. So this year because of several different reasons we didn’t
want to do the whole party thing and I thought he was going to be really upset
about it, even though when everyone gets here it's as if he wants them all to leave…but he wasn’t. Again HUGE step for him! He understood that we would
still celebrate just in a different way. The different way is what I was
worried he wouldn’t understand. But, we let him pick the way and he was
completely happy about the change. As his mom I always want everything to be
perfect for him and I always want to make him feel very special….I always want
this for both of my children. So I think this change this year was/is harder for
me than it is for him…which I am so very proud of him for. I am just the mom
who wants the world to celebrate what I think are two of the most amazing days
in history…the birth of both of my kiddos.
Now I sit here wondering….how is it possible that he is
making such wonderful leaps forward? How is it possible he will be 7 soon?! Why
can’t I just freeze time right now? We have struggled through SO much these
past few years with him and we still do, don’t get me wrong but the struggles
are getting easier in some ways or maybe we’re just learning how to better
handle them. Not sure exactly what it is, but one thing I am sure about, is
that he is moving forward in such an amazingly good direction that I would like
to freeze these moments right now. I want time to stand still because I feel all of us in this house deserve these good moments to last forever after all that we've been through. Some days I REALLY do not like Cam's Aspergers because of the struggles I watch him go through, the fights he has to fight that other children or adults will never understand...honestly the list could go on. But on those days I try and remind myself of days, weeks like we've been having and remind myself that we celebrate these times and appreciate these times so much more because of the struggles and because of his Asperger's. So for today I want to freeze time...I don't want my "baby" to be turning 7 soon or heading into second grade (Lord help me when he graduates high school, college, etc if this is how I feel for graduating first grade and is turning 7...lol) and I want to freeze the time right now where we are celebrating the positive leaps forward that he is making.
