“I held it in mommy, I wanted to scream but I held it in.”
The words I never thought I would hear Cam say because I honestly never thought
he would ever be able to hold it in or understand that he was able to. And when I say "it", I mean the meltdowns,
the screaming and kicking, the yelling mean words that he wouldn’t remember
after the volcano that erupted in him calmed down. Had you told me 3 years ago
when he was diagnosed that there would ever come a time where my son would be
able to hold it in, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. Not
because I didn’t or don’t believe in my son because I do with every ounce of my
being. But because we had been dealing with these volcanoes for so long, we had
been dealing with the phone calls to come pick him up from school because of these
volcanoes for so long that I just never saw a possibility of a glimmer of hope.
That is until today.
Today I arrived at parent pick up early as I always do. I
arrive early so I can be one of the first cars in line so Cam can see me as
soon as he walks out to the parent pick up area because if he doesn’t see me he
goes into complete panic mode, his severe anxiety kicks in and well it’s just
not pretty. It has happened once that he didn’t see me right away and it wasn’t
pretty. Ok, I got off track….so I arrived and I heard the fire alarm for a fire
drill going off and I saw the kids in the area they are suppose to go to for
the fire drill so I honestly didn’t think anything of it. That is until one of
the administrators came out with what appeared to be a yellow flag in his hand
and all I could see was hand gestures to the parents in their cars in front of
me, they started driving off and my heart sank. The news has put the fear of God in me when it comes to
dropping my children off at school thanks to all of the school shootings, stabbings,
etc. So yes that is where my mind and my heart went. Do I over panic?
Absolutely and I know that. So he came to my car and my panic was changed to
worry for Cam because he told me to drive over to the other side to pick Cam up
early because the fire alarm had broken during the drill and had been going off for
over an hour and they were allowing us to all take our children home early.
My heart then sank completely as I drove over. I
thought for sure I would pull up and see Cam in complete meltdown mode. He is
not a fan of the loud noise of fire drills and this had been going on for over
an hour! In my mind I was ready for the worst. Then I saw him and there was no
meltdown going on at all. He was with his class and the other classes sitting there
waiting patiently. I could see the confusion and worry on his face but he
wasn’t melting down. The staff was wonderful, they got him right away and
brought him to my car. And as soon as he got in I could just see so much worry,
so much stress and confusion in his little face that it broke my heart. I said
“it’s all over now. Mommy can take you home and it’s all over. Are you ok?”
Then he sat there, shaking a little bit and said “I held it in mommy, I wanted
to scream but I held it in. I didn’t get to see my speech teacher, I didn’t get
to have my snack, I didn’t get to get my backpack, my lunch box or my favorite
book. I didn’t like the noise it was so loud and all the kids were loud, I
didn’t like it at all mommy.” He just kept saying for a few minutes how much he
didn’t like it and how upset he was about not having speech today. He didn’t
understand why his speech therapist that always comes to get him after recess
never came. We talked about when the fire drill started and it was at the same
time she usually comes to get him. He was worried that she was never coming
because she didn’t come today. So once I helped him understand that, we went
through all of the other things that upset him. But I kept telling him how very
proud I am of him for holding it together so well. He said to me “mommy I don’t
know how I did it, but I did.” Honestly I don’t know how he did it either but
let me tell you I was beyond proud and yes I sat there driving him home with
tears of my pride running down my face.
Cam amazes me with how far he’s come. Are there still
meltdowns? Yes, but not as many as there once was. Are there still days that I just
cry because of how hard they are with him?? Absolutely, I would be lying if I said
otherwise. This journey with Cam isn’t easy, but it is so worth it. He continues
to shine and I am so happy that I am his mom and that I get to be a part of
this journey with him.
