Leaving on a jet plane

Last night a friend reached out to me and gave me so much advice on how to help Cam with his school issues that I sat here and cried tears of joy. For the first time in a long time I felt like I have answers, a path that I am going to go down with him and one that I think is going to be the best one for him. I cried because I was overcome with such appreciation for this friend. She gave advice that is going to help him so much and I can’t ever begin to thank her enough. Cam will one day be thanking her because I will be able to share with him all the help she gave that he never realized or knew. This isn’t the first time she has helped and I know it won’t be the last because she is a woman who truly cares about children.

Today we headed to Sea World and it was the first day in I can’t tell you how long that I felt a sense of relief. I was truly able to enjoy the entire day without worrying about everything back home. We have a path for Cam and though it will be a bumpy one, we have one. Cam, Peyton and I enjoyed beautiful weather, beautiful animals and laughs that one person said was like music to their ears today. We had a dolphin meet us face to face and the kids thought that was about the coolest thing they’ve ever seen. We saw every animal there, ate lunch with the sharks and ended it with each of them having a Shamu ice cream. It really was a day that all of us needed. At lunch the three of us talked about my trip tomorrow. Cam said he wasn’t happy that I was leaving but was happy that he remembered he can call me whenever he wants too. We talked about that we’re all going to miss each other a lot but it’s ok for me to go away because I always come back. Cam still isn’t sold on the fact that I’m leaving but it was nice to actually be able to talk about it and have no meltdowns.

So, tomorrow I head out on a jet plane for Nashville. I am feeling guilt, worry and sadness for leaving them. But, I am also feeling excitement to see my best friend and happiness to be fortunate enough to have a husband who loves me and our children so much that he is kicking me out of the house so I can get some “me” time. Today, I needed to spend some time with the kiddos to laugh and relax and tomorrow I am heading for time to relax with my best friend. I have had a couple of friends text, call and message me telling me to have a great time and reminding me that even though I am a mom, a special needs mom, that I am still a person who needs time away and that’s ok. To those friends and you know who you are, I love you and feel so fortunate to have each of you in my life. I have been on a pity roll lately and have allowed the obstacles in life and certain people to really get me down when that is normally not the person I am. As I sat here last night crying tears of joy and thankfulness for finally having light on Cam’s path for school, I also cried because I am tired of letting it all of this get the best of me. I am going to go back to being the happy mom I always want to be. A pity party really gets me nowhere and it is ridiculous. I have two amazing children, an incredible husband, friends who are more like family than just friends and I have some family members who are truly amazing. So what if life isn’t always easy, it’s not going to ever be with Cam, but that doesn’t mean it has to be sad. He said to me today “mommy, I like when you smile because it helps me know you’re happy.” A nice reminder that I need to smile more and remind him and everyone else how truly happy and blessed I am.

Choices

I am having a hard time lately with Cam’s hate for school. Clearly no mother wants their child to hate school, I understand this. But, my son is now having meltdowns pretty much every morning when he realizes that he has to go there. He has always not liked it and I can’t say I blame him. He doesn’t fit in anywhere, the noises are too loud, the smells get to him, he has to repeat spelling words and math problems over and over again that he already knows and he is just plain miserable. But, the meltdowns are becoming more frequent and getting more severe. So, of course I want to figure out why and try and put my super hero cape on and fix it. I started thinking back to last year, trying to remember when the meltdowns started up more and it was around this time too. Then it hit me like a “duh” moment. His therapists and doctors have told me that though he has his outrageous meltdowns and he is letting out some of his anxiety, anger, etc during those. He still has a lot of anxiety, anger and confusion on the inside in regards to his feelings, his confusion on this world that is hard for him to understand. He allows it to build up inside of him and when the meltdowns are getting out of control more, which clearly they are it is because the levels of all of these feelings on the inside are escalating. These meltdowns are happening more intense now because he has been trying to conform to a world at school that he just can’t. He’s been keeping inside all of these feelings about school and now he can’t keep it in but can’t explain it either, so he is they are becoming much more frequent and more severe.

So, now what do I do. I realize why they are happening but how do I fix it. Here in lies the place where I am struggling. Where I am feeling like a complete failure as a mother for him. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I decide to do for him next school year, he will be staying right where he is for the remainder of this year. He has AMAZING and VERY caring teachers and though he is struggling with other areas, they are helping him and being there for him in every way they can. However, I still want to figure out how to help him not have such issues in the morning, anxiety and meltdowns. But, what do I do for him next school year? How do I help him? I feel like whatever I choose I am still failing him because what if it’s not the right choice? If I home school is that the right choice? Or do I send him to a specialized Autism school? Do I keep him where he’s at and just hope it gets better? We’re on two years of “regular” school and he is still having all of these issues so I am not sure the last one is the right option. But what is the right decision? Is there even a right decision? How do I figure out which one is right? How do I not completely fail him? I already feel like I am, but how do I not continue to completely fail him?

Now, this is not a pity party for myself. Though after reading it, it’s hard for it not to sound like it. I know I do one thing right for him and it’s the most important thing and that is I love him with every ounce of my being. But, more importantly he knows that I love him that much. I would be a complete failure if he didn’t, but he does. I tell him and show him all of the time I love him because I want him to always know that. I say, “I love you, bug” and he’ll say, “I know, mommy”. Him saying I know lets me know I am doing something right.

But, when it comes to the school issues I feel like I am failing him. I feel like there really is no “right” answer. I feel like no matter what decision I make in some way it will be the wrong one. I just want him to be happier. I want him to enjoy whatever it is I choose. He has enough issues in life; I don’t want the entire school day to be one of them. I know some part of school no matter what the decision I make is, will be hard; I am not fooling myself to think otherwise. But, I would like for it to not all be hard on him. He has to grow up in a world where strangers, friends and family don’t understand him. Isn’t that hard enough? He has to grow up not understanding emotions going on inside, smells that he can’t tolerate, loud noises that make him drop to his knees and cover his ears. Isn’t that hard enough? School at this young of an age, shouldn’t be one those horrible struggles. So…..what is the right choice???

Worry....

Cam headed back to school today after having his nice long weekend. He was not overly excited about the idea of heading back, but he had no choice since I got him dressed and told him he was going. He had a pretty good day from what little he would tell me about it. Then as soon as we got home he wanted to be alone. He asked if he could have his iPad to watch..you guessed it Wild Kratts alone in his room. I agreed, but wanted to talk to him first. I decided to start preparing him for my trip. My trip that I leave for on THIS Thursday. But who am I kidding...I am not just preparing him, I am starting to prepare myself. I have never left my children for this long and the reality of it all is starting to set in. 

So we sat at the kitchen area while he had a snack and I began to tell him about my trip. He never looked up but I was watching his face. I wanted to see if I could see any worry, fear...anything. He stopped eating and started to ask why I was leaving and how long was I going to be gone. I told him I would drop him off at school Thursday morning and then he would help daddy and Peyton come pick me up on Sunday. He started to get really upset, he didn't understand why I had to go away to see a friend when I have friends here. He then went through the list of friends that he knows that I have here. He said they will not like that I am leaving them. I tried to explain to him that they were going to be ok with me leaving and that they knew I would be coming back soon too. This really started to break my heart. He wasn't crying, he was angry. I tried to give him some time to calm down so I sat in silence. Then out of nowhere he screams "mommy I HATE school! And I HATE you for making me go! I want to stay home! I want YOU to be my teacher! I don't want you to go visit a friend because YOU need to be MYYYYYYYYY teacher!!!" And right there the meltdown begins. He hates me, but doesn't want me to leave and wants me to be his teacher? His therapists and doctors have always reminded me that the awful things he says to me in his meltdowns are because he takes it out on the one who he feels safest with. Yeah...makes complete sense huh? Not really. But I try reminding myself of that when my son is screaming it at the top of his lungs for what seems like an eternity...this time it was only 20 minutes or so. I finally get him calmed down, by holding him in what may seem as a sumo wrestler hold. That may one day be my future job, being his mom is giving me plenty of practice. I tell him that he can have daddy call me whenever he wants to talk to me and if he wants to see me, daddy can use his phone to use the facetime option. (thank goodness for technology!) He says "you promise, whenever mommy?" I think oh great, sorry daddy, hope he doesn't wake you up at 2 am wanting to call me. I promise him whenever he wants. He seems to be pretty happy with that deal. Then, because my guilt is huge for leaving them I tell him about the talk I had with his teacher. I asked her if it would be ok for him to miss school on Wednesday so I could take him and Peyton somewhere special because of my trip. Yes, I am that crazy mom that needs to run things by the teacher. I want to make sure he is not going to miss anything big...if you couldn't tell I worry about EVERYTHING when it comes to him...who am I kidding, when it comes to him, my daughter and my husband. I WORRY! 

So anyways, he gets excited. "You mean I DON'T have to go to school on Wednesday because you're taking Peyton and me somewhere special before you leave?!!" That's right kiddo, mommy guilt is here and you get to play hooky! So, I tell him he and Peyton get to pick wherever they want to go. He says "Ok mommy, after I watch a few of my Wild Kratts shows I will tell Peyton where...I mean ask her if she wants to go where I want to go...ok? But, that doesn't mean I can't still call you whenever I want...right mommy?!!!" What I wanted to say was no worries kiddo...if you don't call me I will call you. But, I promised him he could still call me whenever he wants. 

Later after dinner he has decided where we should go. He says to Peyton "don't you want to go to Sea World for our special place? I know you love animals just like, I do, so I know that is where you want to go too, right??" She truly is the best little sister he could ever ask for because she usually agrees with anything he wants. But, my little diva sometimes likes to stir the pot these days, so she says "no, I don't want to go there I really want to go to Cinderella's castle". Cams eyes start to well up with tears and I can see the meltdown coming. Then she says, "I'm just kidding of course I want to go to Sea World." And she laughs so hard she almost fell out of her chair. She may only be 4, but she is already into the sarcasm and jokes. His face gets happier and all is right in Cam's world.

Cam's night ended on a good note. Some ice cream in the belly, a couple of books read and off to bed he went. I am sure he will be dreaming about Sea World until Wednesday and hopefully that is also what will get him through the day tomorrow at school. I have guilt about leaving him...about leaving all of them. I am fortunate that my other half is practically kicking me out the door because he believes I need some "me" time, but that doesn't mean I won't worry. Worrying is one thing I am really good at. That and becoming a sumo wrestler....

Snow Day

I remember when I was growing up before we moved to Florida and lived up north, I loved snow days. It didn't only mean no school, but it meant getting to go outside and play in the snow, throwing snowballs, making snow angels and sometimes even sledding. It meant a free day from school with no worries but just to play and have fun. In Florida we don't get those. Now, no I am not complaining that we don't have to shovel snow or start our cars 2 hours before we need to leave the house so that way they are warm enough for us to be able to drive. But, the only way there is anything close to a snow day here in Florida, is if there is a hurricane. And usually when there is a hurricane that means we have no power, no fun, nothing. So, today I decided that Cam needed a snow day, Florida style.

As we all know he has been having a lot of rough times and I wanted to change that. At least for a day. So, today was a snow day...Florida style. I surprised him when he woke up and told him he didn't have to go to school today. He was beyond happy. Then I told him, instead of school, he, Peyton and I were heading to the beach. Not only was he excited but Peyton couldn't get her little bathing suit on fast enough, she was so excited. We packed up everything and headed to the beach.

The weather was beautiful, perfect snow day in Florida. We played in the sand, building sand castles, burying each other and making little rivers. We jumped the waves, ran away from the big ones laughing and playing. We chased the birds and had a picnic while watching the waves crash and planes fly over. I saw no worries in Cams eyes, no sadness, no anxiety. I saw nothing but smiles, calm, sweet smiles. I heard his young laugh, the one that I haven't heard in way too long. Yes, he's had some good days here and there but nothing like today. There was no angry growling, no meltdowns. Nothing but smiles, laughing and fun. 

I worry what to do about his school situation. About the smells he can't stand, the noises that are too loud, the social issues he doesn't understand. I don't know if main stream school is where he needs to be. Maybe a private Autism school or maybe even homeschool. Now for the people who say you can't shelter him forever, I know this. However, we are talking about a child who is 6 but socially he is 3, living in a social world of 6 and 7 year olds. Is that really fair? The stress and anxiety going on in his little body that he doesn't understand, that he can't communicate about. Is that really fair? I am not sure what the right answer for him is, that is something that I worry about and hope to make the right decision.

But, I do know that today there was sun, sand and waves that took all of his worries away. They took all of my worries away. I do know that we laughed and joked and were silly for an entire day. An entire day of the perfect medicine...a snow day, Florida style. 

Pajama Party

Today started off normal. Cam wakes up, gets ready for school and then drop off time comes. He growls at me as we park that he doesn't want to go. I growl back that school is not an option and that went over well as you can imagine. His new idea is that I should be his teacher and that he doesn't need to actually go to school for that to happen. The kid at the age of 6 is smarter and deliberates better than most adults I know...including myself. But, his deliberating this morning got him nowhere but in his classroom. When we walked in he only wanted to read his book about animals, so getting him to actually look up at the board and see what the writing assignment was about was a struggle. Once he finally did look up, I saw the blank stare in his eyes and the freezing up began. Today's topic was, if you met a scientist what is one question you would ask them and why? I began to think of all the animals he has been talking about and trying to think of questions he could write about, when he looked at me and said he had a question to write about. "I think I would ask about why people want to kill elephants for their tusks when elephants are such beautiful creatures." You could have knocked me over with a feather! He thought of it all on his own and actually had a good topic to write about. I left quickly as to not ruin the moment or distract him from his writing. What a great morning, right?!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later and my phone rings and it's the school. My heart sinks, why are they calling? See typical parents can assume that they are calling for something good or possibly that their child is sick. Cam has had such issues in the past that every time my phone rang it meant a meltdown was happening, chairs had been thrown during the meltdown, etc., I think you get the point. The phone calls were never good. So, I answer the phone and this time it is just to tell me that he said his stomach hurts and could I please come get him. Not happy that his stomach hurts, but very happy that there were no other issues going on. I head to pick him up and it's during recess and he's sitting next to the tree holding his stomach and his teacher said he's been complaining about it for awhile, so she was concerned. We head home and he says he's starting to feel a little better. Once we got home, in his words "it's weird, it's like poof and my tummy feels a lot better". Ok, ya got one over on your mom and you got to come home. But, this isn't like Cam, he doesn't lie. Now, yes I know kids pull this type of stuff on their parents all of the time, but Cam doesn't. He can't lie, it's not in him. So, something must be up. We talk to him and find out he had a rough day and just wanted to come home. The noise in music class was way too loud and even when he covered his ears it still hurt them. Then he got to another class and again the kids were being really loud and that's when he said his stomach started to hurt. So, do I think he had a really stomach ache? No. But, I do think he didn't understand how to express everything that was going on inside and maybe from the anxiety of everything going on today, plus his anxiety with school in general his body was tense and he thought it was a real stomach pain.

Here's where my mommy issue really came into play. We were suppose to go to a pajama party at Chick-Fil-A tonight, the kids especially Cam were beyond excited about it. Cam had been talking all week about it. But, he came home early from school and we didn't think it was right to let him go do something fun when he came home sick. So, we told him that we wouldn't be able to go. Insert big meltdown here. He just kept telling us that he felt better now, how much he wanted to go, you name it and he yelled it with huge tears streaming down his face. So, daddy and I look at each other and told him that he can go play in the playroom while we talk. Once he calmed down, he was good with that idea. We decided that we didn't want to punish him really because he didn't lie, he felt his stomach hurt and it wasn't just to come home. It was to escape the loud noises that were hurting his ears and the tension from school. But, we still didn't feel right just taking him and saying all is ok. So, I came up with a compromise, we would go through the drive thru and we would come home and eat in our pajamas and have a pajama party here. One, this is a better idea anyway because he usually gets very overwhelmed at big events like this and two we're not letting him go, but still letting him have fun.

So, our pajama party is in full effect! Guess what Cam wanted to do for it? Eat his dinner, play a little bit and watch Wild Kratts the rest of the night. Wild Kratts is good for everything, even pajama parties. Peyton wanted to do the same, so tonight is a win for both. 

I am really worried about the anxiety issues. I am proud of him for telling us what hurt his ears, that is a big step for him. But, I am so concerned about these issues with going to school and what it is causing internally for him. I now realize it is not just the social issues, but it is the sounds, the smells and the unknowns that are causing the anxiety too. But, for tonight we will party in our pajamas and let the problems of today fade into the background.

Cure?

So I am going to start this by saying these are my beliefs, my wishes, my thoughts. There is no political, biblical or any other "-cal" word that is going into this post, so please respect that. 

I was talking to a lady the other day and she told me she would pray for a cure for Cam's Autism. It struck me funny, I of course didn't say anything to her but thank you. But, I walked away with a thought in my head, do I really want a cure? Then I was reading a post a fellow AS mom wrote asking her followers if they wanted a cure for their child, which just started the wheels in my head turning even more. Scary thought I know but it does happen every so often. I was doing some things for our Autism walk today, which I am so very passionate about and it reminded me of a question a friend asked me awhile back, why are you walking? Now she is a very smart woman and her question wasn't because she didn't understand that Cam in fact has Autism but she was asking because she wanted to know do I want a cure and is that my reason for walking. 

The answer is no, I don't want a cure. Now some of you might think I am crazy for my answer, or I should crazier than you already think I am. But, I don't want a cure for Cam's Autism. Why would I want a cure for something that makes him...him? He is a unique, amazing, funny, smart and inquisitive little boy. He can tell me anything I would ever want to know about pretty much any animal on the planet and any dinosaur that ever lived. He has a youth in him that most children at his age don't have any more and it makes us able to enjoy life more each day because of it. Why would I want to look at him and tell him I don't want you to be you...I want to cure you? 

Yes, he has horrible struggles in life but these struggles are making him a stronger person and they are making us as a family stronger. But, can you honestly say that everyone else walks through life without struggles? No, not the same struggles, his are worse than most. But, there are also people out there struggling with life threatening illnesses, struggling to put a roof over their family's head, those are struggles that are far worse than my son having Autism. Can you look in the mirror and say you're accepting of people's differences? The answer to that question for me until I had Cam was no. I was not accepting of people's differences. I used to judge pretty much everyone in some capacity. I especially judged every parent when their child was screaming bloody murder and having a meltdown. I would ALWAYS say that is NEVER EVER going to be my child. I am thankful for Cam's Autism because it has taught me to not judge others paths, for we are all on different ones. I believe because of his Autism that he has the amazing ability to not judge anyone else, because he already knows what it is like to be different.

What do I wish for? Why do I walk or talk about his Autism all the time? I wish for acceptance of his differences. I wish for a society that didn't want to cure him but wanted to learn how to understand him. I wish that there was a cure for people's ignorance and not just when it came to Autism. Do I want to know why more children are being diagnosed with Autism? Absolutely! 1 in 88 children are diagnosed with Autism, that is a pretty scary statistic to read. 1 in 54 of those are boys, 1 in 54 of those is Cam. So, yes I would like to know why more children are being diagnosed. This is where I always hear people's opinions. The second they hear Cam has Autism they want to know my opinion of why he has Autism. The only thing I can tell you is that I have done more research, gone to listen to more speakers and talked to more doctors than most people have when it comes to this topic and I have my own beliefs. But to me that is what is wonderful about life, that we can all have different opinions. But, it doesn't make any of us right or wrong. I don't want a cure for Autism because I believe each child on the spectrum is a beautiful individual, an amazing piece to our puzzle. They all teach us about a life through different sets of eyes. Cam makes me see a world that I would have never knew existed if it weren't for his Autism.

As Temple Grandin said “If I could snap my fingers and be nonautistic, I would not. Autism is part of what I am.”

Please Do Not Judge

Since today was a holiday, Cam was happy to have the day off from school. He was in a pretty good mood, so I braved heading to the store with both him and Peyton. When he's having an off day, I do not brave this...why put myself in a position for him to have a complete meltdown when I know I can avoid it. We headed to the store, both of them were good, so I almost felt like I was living in the twilight zone. But, we got to the check out and the cashier was trying to be polite and make conversation with the Cam. So she asked him if he liked school and of course his response was no I hate it. Now, trust me I know most children do not like school, but Cam right now has a much different reason. He actually loves to learn, but right now he is struggling with not fitting in and not having any friends. So, the lady was shocked by his answer and her response was to me and not him. She said "you shouldn't allow him to have these feelings about school so young. You should really work with him more and encourage him more." Well, I didn't have to respond because Cam did, which she is lucky that I didn't because she would not have liked my response. Of course with him we never know what's about to come out of his mouth...good or bad, it is always a surprise. Cam blurted out "my mommy says I am not weird, but a lot of the kids at school say I am. This is my sister and best friend Peyton and I have Asperger's. My mommy and daddy say it makes me special but it really makes it hard for me to understand people like you." He said that all without taking a breath and then he was done with the conversation and walked to the front of the shopping cart. Well there ya have it lady, this is why my son hates school. He feels alone. He is struggling with knowing he has Asperger's...but doesn't understand it or the emotions, the questions, the feelings going on inside. He's struggling with people calling him weird. Then she just looked at me in complete shock, almost horror and was quiet the rest of the time while handling our transaction. 

But, this whole situation really bothered me and got me to thinking. Where did this lady get off assuming that I am not doing enough to help my son with school and not helping him learn to like it? Why when Cam told her he had Asperger's did she become silent and never apologize for her accusations on my parenting? Why did she not reassure my son that he was ok no matter what? Instead she acted as if he just told her he had some type of contagious disease and she couldn't get us out of there fast enough. The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. Well, part of that is not true, this is the first time Cam has just blurted out to a complete stranger that he has Asperger's. But, this is not the first time I have received the judging look or rude comments. I have been told I need to keep him at home until he is able to act like a "normal" child when he was having a meltdown in public or that I needed to use more discipline with him and just give him a good spanking. We live in a society where people judge before knowing any of the facts. So, my son at the age of 6, walks around being looked at, whispered about or laughed at before people actually get to know him. Like this lady today, people just assume the worst without knowing anything. Assuming the worst out of me is fine, I am a grown woman and I can handle it. Assuming the worst out of my six year old son who is going through enough in his life, I am not ok with. I wear an Autism pin, bracelet and I even have little  cards to hand out explaining what Autism is and that he is Autistic. I do this all to raise awareness and to hopefully detour the rude comments and looks. I wear these so that maybe people will see these symbols and they won't give the looks or say the comments. I wear these in hopes that they will help Cam not have to feel any more different than he already does because of these people assuming the worst when he says or does something. When he was younger he didn't hear or understand these comments, but now he does and it is not fair to him. It is not right that I have to try and nicely explain to him why people say the rude things they do or give the dirty looks. 

I wish our society was not so judging. We judge people over their weight, clothes, homes, cars...you name it we judge. As adults we know how to handle these judging looks and comments. But as a child, as an Autistic child he doesn't know how to handle them nor should he have to. He should be able to live his life and not hear the rude comments or see the stares. His life has too many obstacles as it is, worrying about mean comments and looks should not be one of them. Instead of assuming that he is just this horrible child I wish people would stop and think "is there something wrong to where he can't handle it?" I want our society to stop judging, to stop assuming the worst and to be much more accepting of all children with differences. As Cam grows up I want him to not tell people he's called weird or annoying, I want him to tell people that he's called smart and funny. I want him to stop being judged for things that are out of his control.

A Day of Acceptance

Cam has had a pretty rough week and Friday at school was no different. He had asked me to come again for lunch and after the bad day he had the day before I could not say no. I went to lunch to watch again, what I see all the time...him struggling to fit in. We sat there at the lunch table with all of his classmates and you can see he wants to be a part of the "in" crowd, which to him is the entire class. But, he sits on the outside looking in. I learned that he eats his lunch quickly and then packs up everything and sits and watches the door. The door that each class walks in when coming to lunch. This door means a freedom to him when he sees one last teacher walk in. It means it is recess and it means he gets to run and play outside, even if alone, he likes to be outside. So, he stairs at it and he waits for that teacher to bring her class in and then he knows it is time for recess. The rest of the kids are talking and joking around, Cam is staring at the door. The teacher and her class came in and Cam was the first person up but before he walked to the door he asked if I would stay and watch him play. I don't like to stay and watch him play because that means staring at his reality of loneliness, but I stayed. I watched him play, by himself. He runs out like all of the other kids but each of them has at least one or two friends that stay with them as they run. He does not, he has himself. This time I had a chance to talk to his teachers a little while watching him and they told me they watch him try sometimes to play with the others, but it just doesn't seem to work. So, for the most part they told me he plays by himself. I guess it could be worse, he could be the big trouble maker in class and have a bad set of friends. But instead he travels the journey at school alone. After recess I walked with him to his class and he begged me to take him home early. He kept telling me he was having a rough day and he just wanted to go home. As much as I wanted to make everything better and bring him home, I can't let him run away every time he has a bad day. So, he stayed at school and after some tears he was off to class. I always leave worrying about the rest of his day whether it is drop off in the morning or after having lunch with him. But, this time hit me deep inside because he was begging me to take him away and I couldn't. I couldn't let him know that every time he asks me to take him away I will because that's now how life works. But, his life is different, his struggles are much harder. So, maybe sometimes it is ok to run away...just for a day. 

He ended the day on a positive note and was very happy to see me at pick up time. We had our usual family movie night and he picked it out. We watched The Lorax and I got to hear him laugh. He and Peyton played and laughed, I got to sit back and hear it and enjoy it all. I told him the next day we were going to head to Animal Kingdom. If you live in the area you may have heard the screams of excitement. He loves animals and fortunately so does Peyton, just not to the same degree as him. But, anything to do with Disney and she is happy. So, it was going to be a win, win situation for both. 

Saturday morning came and Cam was the first one up. He was ready to go. He has been struggling so much that I wanted it to be a carefree, fun day for him. We got the car packed up, my mom came and off the four of us went. He brought his animal book in the car and was watching Wild Kratts on their little dvd player. He was ready for a day of animal fun. The day was wonderful. We were able to see all of the animals and a lot of them very up close. We all laughed, he laughed all day long. He even got his face painted like a cheetah. My mom and I both got tears in our eyes because this is a big step for him. There was a time when he wouldn't let anyone near his face and now he was getting his entire face painted. You could see his discomfort when it was happening and we both asked him the entire time if he was ok with it. He kept saying yes and when he saw it, well Cam had left and we had a cheetah on our trip now. There were a couple of mini angry meltdowns, but nothing out of control and nothing to ruin the day. He was carefree...for an entire day, he was accepted by those around him, he was able to tell all of us about every animal and he has able to be himself. It was like being around the animals was his therapy and just what he needed. He becomes much happier around them and when talking about them. It is his passion and something that amazes me by all he knows and continues to want to learn. I don't know what today will hold, but I know that the fun, the laughs and the smiles from yesterday is a day I will never forget.

I Want Yesterday Back....

Today is supposed to be a day of love and happiness. Cam woke up excited to celebrate this day. He got out of bed with no issue, got dressed and walked out with Peyton to their Valentine surprises from mommy and daddy. I had decorated their little eating area with hearts everywhere, left them a couple of small presents and a card. They loved it, it was a great beginning to the day. I promised Cam I would come have lunch with him today and that made him even more happy, so I just knew today was going to be a good day. Then drop off time came. At his school the kids wear uniforms, blue polos with khakis to be exact and when we got to school there were kids everywhere with red shirts on. Cam looked at me and asked me why they were all wearing red, they're not suppose to be wearing red, they're suppose to wearing blue. I didn't know but they were allowed to wear red shirts because it was Valentine's day and Cam was one of the few who didn't have a red shirt on. He was crushed and started to cry. "It's Valentine's Day mommy, I am suppose to be wearing red...everyone is wearing red and not blue. Blue is for the other days, not for Valentine's day." After a little bit I got him calmed down and promised to go home and see if there was a red shirt and if so I would bring it to him at lunch time. He seemed ok, not exactly happy but ok with my answer. His teacher apologized because she already knew the party was going to be a change for him but she didn't think about the shirts. I didn't think about the shirts and I'm his mom...why should she?

So I headed to the store after realizing that he didn't have a red shirt at home. He was having such a good day before drop off, I didn't want a shirt to ruin his day at school. Peyton and I headed there for lunch and he was so happy to see us and see his red shirt. He picked two classmates to eat outside with us and off we went to eat. I sat there watching the other two children joking together and having fun, while Cam sat next to me not knowing how to really interact with them. It really broke my heart. He wants friends so badly, he just doesn't know how to be a friend. Recess came and he asked if Peyton could stay and play with him. She is his best friend and the one who accepts him and plays with him whenever and however he wants. He has always loved her, since the day she was born. Which amazes me because I thought for sure there would be a jealousy or anger but there never has been. Anyway, I of course said yes since the teachers said it was ok. Peyton is our social butterfly. At the age of 4, she has friends in Cam's 1st grade class. So she was playing with him and then started playing with another little girl. Cam took it as he always does when there is more than one friend involved that Peyton didn't like him anymore and the meltdown started. Only this meltdown wasn't kicking and screaming...this meltdown was huge heartbreaking tears and watching him become a very little boy right in my arms as I was trying to console him. He cried and told me he has no friends, that Peyton is his friend and now even she doesn't like him. This breaks my heart into pieces. Because as I am trying to reassure him that he does have friends, I know in my heart he really doesn't. At least not at school, not right at this moment that I am trying to convince him that he does. By the time I got him calmed down the teacher blew the whistle and recess was over, which started up another meltdown. He wanted to play with Peyton so badly, she helps him feel like he's ok and now he can't play with her and he has to go back to class without me and without her. He cried for awhile and all I could do was hug him and tell him how very much I love him. He wasn't having the angry meltdowns he usually has. He was having a heartbreaking, I wish I had that magic wand right now and fix his meltdown. Cam finally calmed down when I reminded him that Peyton and I would be back very soon for his Valentine's Day party. I left again, hoping that he would have a good rest of the day...at least until I got there for his party.

Party time comes, they allow the parents into the room and there stands Cam, huge tears in his eyes and running to me. I try to get out of him what's wrong but whenever he gets this upset he gets stuck on a word and that one word is all I get for a few minutes. The party was suppose to be starting...he was suppose to be having fun with his class, passing out Valentine's, eating snacks and having fun. But, instead he stood there crying and I couldn't understand why. I found out from his teacher that one of the other kids for some reason told Cam to hurt them. I am sure the child said it jokingly, but Cam doesn't understand jokes, everything is black and white. So, he did as the kid told him and tried to hurt him. He didn't succeed and the teacher found out what was going on and called Cam over. Well, he thought he was getting in trouble and completely broke down into a big meltdown. He did as he was told, so he didn't understand why he was getting in trouble. Once again, his teacher was wonderful with explaining to him that he wasn't in trouble, but reminded him, he was not to listen to anyone but her. I am so thankful for how wonderful his teachers are. I know I have said it before, but if it weren't for them, I don't think Cam would have made it through this school year. He calmed down and he and Peyton handed out his Valentine's to the class. I could see it in his eyes that he was getting completely overwhelmed but he handled it so well. He made sure he stayed with Peyton and once he was done passing them out and eating his snack, he headed to the reading carpet and read his new animal book. I sat there once again, sad because there's the rest of the class laughing and playing and then there's Cam who doesn't fit in, doesn't understand how to be a friend, sitting by himself. 

I want my supermom cape on and I want to fix this for him. I want to take away all of this hurt, confusion and sadness for him. It kills me inside that he doesn't understand any of these emotions. It must be so hard for him, internally going through all of this and not knowing how to express any of it. I hate that I have to sit back and watch him struggle so much. He's 6, he's suppose to be able to be care free, playing and having fun. I want to go back to yesterday where he had a friend like him and he was ok in his own skin. I want to hear that laugh and see that smile...I want yesterday back...

Oh Happy Day

There are days in life that you wish you could freeze and hold them in time. Today was one of those days. Cam woke up in a grumpy mood but quickly changed when I reminded him that we were suppose to go to a new friends house to play after school and if he was being grumpy he wouldn't be able to go. Pick up time came from school and he came out with a big smile and told me he was ready to go to his friends house because he had a great day. His teacher also told me that he had a really good day and that he must be really excited about his play time because that is all he talked about. 

Now, I was a nervous wreck about the play date all day. He has been going through some really rough roads lately and I knew if something went wrong on this play date that it would just set him back even further. I almost canceled it because I was so worried. I had fears because I have taken him to these play dates before with other children and most of the time I end up constantly being on him for the way he speaks to the other child, for the way he either interacts or lack of interaction. It isn't fun for the other child because if it doesn't go Cam's way, he doesn't play with them. I know it is hard to be his friend but he so badly wants a friend. He wants someone to play with him, I want someone to play with him. 

I didn't cancel because I couldn't explain to him that we weren't going because I didn't want him to get his feelings hurt or to hurt the other child's feelings. We got there and my stomach was in complete knots. Now let me add that the child's mom is a friend of mine and is probably one of the least judgemental people I have ever met, so it wasn't her I was worried about. I was worried about Cam...

The play date was a huge success! Cam and as he likes call him "my new friend that is just like me" played great together! There were a few bumps because lets face it, Cam likes things to go his way and doesn't understand why people don't always want to do exactly what he wants but overall it was an amazing afternoon. 

When we were heading back home Cam was telling me how much fun he had, how he can't wait to go back and how happy he was that he has a new friend like him. I, for the first time in what feels like forever cried tears of joy. I was overcome with happiness that he made a friend, as he says a friend like him. He played with him and there were no meltdowns, there were no yelling, there was just playing. He really felt accepted. He felt like how I so badly want him to always feel, that it is ok to be him.

 

One of those days....

Cam woke up and seemed ready to head back to school. He even told us he wanted to go back to school. Which shocked me but I was very happy to hear him say this. Then reality must have set in because once we got to school he changed. This change is not new..every morning he is fine in the car, sometimes even joking around or playing with his toys and then bam! We get to school and he goes from being happy to, well just being a different person. I can see it in his eyes and the tension becomes visible in his body language. I can only guess it is the social aspect that he starts to have anxiety about. Today was no different, but then it became worse when he looked up at the board for his writing assignment and today's was about being in a forest. I knew as soon as I saw the assignment that we were going to have an issue. Cam hates the forest, he has always had a fear of it. You even mention anything about the forest to him and he has a complete panic attack and melts down. So, I tried to talk to him about what he was going to write and I could see the panic in his eyes and he said "I don't ever want to go in the forest mommy, I don't want to write about this". We have had many issues when it comes to the morning writing assignments because if he doesn't like it, doesn't understand it, doesn't agree with it or it's talking about how you feel about something then he just refuses to write or has a complete meltdown. This morning was no different except this time it was something that he feared. I tried to talk to him about it, but once he freezes up like that there is no reasoning or getting through to him. I was just happy that he didn't meltdown this time. I did not want him to start his day off with a complete meltdown, kids and parents staring at him as he screams and cries...not a good way to start any day. So I was trying to look at the positive side and be happy with just the freezing up and refusing to write. His teacher told me not to worry about it and that she would help him. So off I went, worried that his day was going to go terribly wrong because of this.

Pick up time came and he had a pretty good day! For some reason he thought I was coming to have lunch with him so for the first half of lunch he refused to eat and he had two accidents but overall a good day. He seemed in a good mood too, so I thought for sure we were going to have a great afternoon. That lasted until we got into the car and he asked if we could play outside instead of having his speech therapist come today. When I told him no, a huge meltdown occurred. I mean kicking, screaming and pinching himself (I HATE that he hurts himself and REALLY wish that I could stop him from doing this) all came on because of my answer. When we got home I was able to get him in the house and after a little while get him calmed down somewhat. By the time his therapist got to the house he was fine and did great for her. Actually one of the best sessions he has had with her in awhile. His night was ok, he had a big meltdown over his Valentine's for his class. He got upset when we were talking about giving them to his friends because he informed me he doesn't have any friends so the kids are going to laugh at him.

His meltdowns are becoming more and more frequent these days. I know he is going through a lot inside ever since our talk about his Asperger's and I try to ask questions that I think he'll understand to tell me what's wrong but it's not working. The worst part of his meltdowns are when he hurts himself. I don't enjoy the screaming and kicking and throwing of things but I will take that any day over him physically hurting himself. The pinching himself until he bleeds, the knocking his head into the walls, the punching himself...it kills me inside to watch this. I have tried holding him tight, wrapping him in a weighted blanket, you name it I feel like I have tried it and it isn't working. He lets me get close to him and hold him when he's coming down from his meltdown and then he just cries and goes to being a little boy who he is lost in my arms. Tonight I don't feel like supermom...today is one of those days where I am trying to remind myself that this is all a part of our journey and that I am not completely failing him. I don't like pity parties, I try to never do them. But some days the struggles that I watch him go through don't seem fair and the fact that I feel like I can't do anything for him seems overwhelming. Today is one of those days...

A Case of the Mondays

Oh Monday, you were suppose to be nicer to us than you were! Besides being sick, I think Cam had a case of the Mondays! He was an absolute GROUCH! Nothing Peyton and I said or did today seemed to get him out of his funk either. She tried to play with him and he would just snap at her and I tried to talk to him and well, it either went well or he had a complete melt down. Usually when he's sick it goes one of two ways, he's extremely needy and lovey with me where all he wants is mommy (selfishly I like those days because it doesn't happen very often that he is like that) or he hates the world and everyone in it and it is one meltdown after another. Well, after a weekend of nothing but one meltdown after another I was hoping he would be in a better mood. I mean really kiddo how many meltdowns can one 6 year old have?! Clearly more than I think. So, I tried to leave him alone and just let him watch Disney Jr and Wild Kratts most of the day. Thank goodness for Wild Kratts, it was my life saver today in the midst of a horrible meltdown...over what you ask? I have no clue! I said his name and then he just started crying and screaming and ran off slamming his door to his room. So, in the super mommy that I try to be I went in and asked what was wrong. I got "nothing, my life isn't fair! I am sick and life just isn't fair!" So, nothing is wrong but his life isn't fair. Ok, I'll bite. "Why isn't life fair, Cameron? Is it because you don't feel good?" Well, as I have shared I always have to prepare myself for the unexpected with Cam, so I was waiting for a crazy response. Ya, I got one. "I feel fine, mommy! I am just sick! And I want to watch Wild Kratts and it's not 5:00 yet so it is NOT ON!" Alright kiddo, you're fine but you're sick and you want to watch your favorite show. Super mommy has the secret weapon aka DVR  today and is ready for this one! I tell him to remember that we have them on the DVR AND he has a DVD of them. I am thinking because he's so out of it from not feeling good he has lost totally memory of these facts and he has it stuck in his head that he can only watch them at 5:00, so I will finally get to save the day today. He turns to me, stops screaming and crying and as if his world has just stopped says "but I have already seen those ones mommy and it is not 5:00 yet". Reasoning with him at this point I know is going to get me nowhere, so I just told him I realized that he had seen them and that it wasn't 5:00 but I would be happy to put one of them on for him so he could rest and at 5:00 I would be more than happy the new one on. I knew he was going to agree, there are few times that he will ever say no to Wild Kratts, in fact I can't think of any. It doesn't matter how many times he has watched it, he was just in a grumpy mood so he was going to fight it. Well, the fight was over once he heard the theme song on (which by the way I hear in my head ALL day because we have watched the show 102994950830958 times)  and came, Star Wars blankie in tow to the couch and watched it.

I know he's really not feeling good because after dinner, he headed back to the couch to watch more Wild Kratts and he passed out. This child one, never lays down and two never falls asleep during his favorite show. Peyton thought it was hilarious that he was asleep and decided to take this opportunity to do her gymnastics show for him that he had told her all day he didn't want to see. Asleep he was a great audience for her.

So, tomorrow....lets not have a case of the Tuesdays. I will leave you tonight with what's on my mind......

We're gonna send some animals today with creature power! Gonna go wild wild kratts, gonna go wild kratts! Gonna go wild wild kratts,go go wild wild! :)

What Not To Say

This has been a weekend filled with board games, movie watching and some meltdowns in between. Today started off pretty good, then went downhill quickly because of Cameron's mood. So, it went from playing to meltdown to playing to a meltdown once again. This lasted for most of the morning, the longest meltdown this morning was about an hour. My mom was suppose to come over today to hang out and she sent a text asking if it was still ok to come over. I said of course just know that Cameron is in a mood today, so the meltdowns are happening and they aren't pretty. Her response was "I don't care, it's a part of him and won't stop me from coming over." That hit home to me, a lot of other people would not have responded the same way. They would have said, ok well maybe we can come tomorrow or I'll talk to you later. My mom has been a big asset to us since Cameron's diagnosis. I mean don't get me wrong she and I have had our disagreements and there were times where we didn't speak because of those disagreements. We are not a perfect family and if you have a perfect family, that is great. Our imperfections have helped me learn about me and about life, so I appreciate them. But, anyway back to what I was saying. She has been a constant support for us, even in the times where she and I were arguing I always knew I could call on her to help if needed. She watched Peyton the day that we took Cameron for his testing with the doctor and to discuss Cameron's issues. So besides Bryan and me she was the first to know of Cameron's diagnosis. From that day on she has read everything she can about Asperger's, she has asked people questions to try and help us and most importantly she has always asked us questions on how to help us, how to understand Cameron and how to help him. So today's text was no different than what she has done in the past, but it really got me to start thinking. Since Cameron's diagnosis 2.5 years ago, Bryan and I have heard a lot of things that we either laughed at or cried about (as you can imagine, it is me doing the crying) when it comes to Cameron's Asperger's. So today I decided I am going to make a list of things that in my opinion you should NOT say or do to a parent with a child on the Autism Spectrum.

1. He'll out grow it. (No, he won't out grow it, it is who he is and who he will ALWAYS be)
2. He just needs a good spanking (if that were the case, he would have been "cured" a long time ago)
3. What started the meltdown? (Does it really matter..we're dealing with it now and what started it doesn't really matter at this point)
4. He doesn't look Autistic (If I had a dollar for every time I heard this, I would be a multi-millionaire!) PLEASE tell me what Autism looks like?!
5. You're staring during his meltdown is not helping, it in fact is making it harder for us to help him because we are feeling so uncomfortable with all the other eyes on us.
6. When you hear he has Autism, please don't tell us how sorry you are. We are not sorry he has Autism, we are sorry however that we live in a society who doesn't accept him the way he is.
7. Please do not tell us that you thank God every day that YOUR child is NOT Autistic. We thank God that our child is, because he is teaching us acceptance, strength and unconditional love. Telling us that you thank God your child isn't, is like slapping us in the face.
8. My child has "quirks" too but they're not Autistic, maybe Cameron isn't either. (One, it was not just one doctor who has diagnosed my child, so please don't say that to me and if all Cameron had was a couple of "quirks" we would not face the daily struggles that we face.)
9. Instead of just telling us tomorrow will be better, please tell us that if tomorrow is rough too that you'll be there to help in any way you can. Offer help, we may not ask for it because we don't want to burden you with our problems. But it doesn't mean we wouldn't accept the offer because we need all the help we can get.
10. Don't judge us if we look like we haven't slept (because we probably haven't, our mind is going non-stop on all the things we have to do for our child, so sleep is really a thing of the past for us) or judge us because our house isn't perfect (if we had the time to clean and make it perfect...trust me we would)
11. My child is pain-in-the asstic, that's similar, right? (YES, someone said this me and NO I did not appreciate it. It is NOT even close to being the same nor is it funny)
12. Can't you just tell him to calm down? (If I told a burning fire to just calm down would it listen? That is basically what is going on inside my child when he is having a meltdown, so no it won't work)


These are just some of the things I personally as a mom of a child on the spectrum believe should not be done or said. If you're a fellow parent of a child on the spectrum, do you agree? Being a parent to a child on the spectrum isn't easy and we often feel like we are on an island all by ourselves. Our life isn't perfect. But does anyone really have a perfect life? Yes, our struggles with Cameron are hard and there are days that I wish were much easier, not for us but for him. But I wouldn't change it.....I wouldn't change him. He has taught me and continues to teach me so much about life and for that I am forever grateful to my son.

Roller Coaster of Life

Thursday morning was great. Cameron woke up very excited because his Pop Pop (aka my father in law) was going to do a presentation in his class. He could not wait, so he was in a very happy lets get to school mood. Since he's had such a rough time with well...everything lately, to see the smile on his face and the excitement in his voice was priceless. Then I added to it by telling him that Pop Pop and Grandma would be having lunch with him and you would have thought he had won the lottery. It broke my heart though because when I told him he said "yay, then maybe somebody will want to be my friend so they can eat outside with us". Yep, the words cut through me like a knife. He doesn't feel as though he has any friends. What breaks my heart even more is he really doesn't. He doesn't know how to really play with other kids, he wants to play with them but on his terms. It is sad to watch your son be lonely, it's hard to watch him not fit in. So, for him to think that maybe, just maybe someone would want to be his friend so they could go outside to eat broke my heart into pieces. From what Cameron told me, the presentation and lunch were awesome. Yay, for having a great morning! 

Then came pick up time...the happy face I had dropped off that morning to school came out sad and with tears in his eyes. His teacher told me he had just finished a melt down because he had lost one of the gifts his Pop Pop had given the class. When I went to ask him where he thinks he left it to try and help him the meltdown started all over again. The tears, the screams, the running away. I had to chase after him, thankfully not far because he almost ran into a car. She said his day was good up until the end and then it was like another child was in Cameron's body and the meltdown was bad, very bad. Thankfully once again his other teacher saved the day and had an extra gift and gave it to him and told him it was his and that she had found it. Once we got to the car he started crying and screaming again, he was still upset about losing the gift, then was worried that his Pop Pop would be upset with him for losing it (he would never have been upset, but Cameron builds things up big in his head) and then he was just screaming with huge tears coming down his face and I knew I had lost him again. The meltdowns really are like someone takes over his body, it is sad and scary. This one was short though, I got him calmed down, reminded him no one was mad at him and everything was going to be ok.

Today was a good day though. I picked him up from school and he came out with smiles and a star award for having such a good day. Since he hasn't had any in awhile the teacher made sure to make him feel good for having one. She told me there were no meltdowns, he listened and he only had one accident. This a type of day we celebrate! So we headed to the store to get special drinks aka slurpees and he was in heaven. I had my happy boy and it was really nice. Peyton was happy to have her happy brother and they were laughing and playing.

Then came the meltdown, again, another one after such a great day. I asked him to do something, he didn't understand why and just right there sat on the floor and started a complete meltdown. The kicking of chairs began, the hitting of the floor and almost knocking his head on the corner of the wall. I wanted to rewind and go back to the fun and laughing we were just having minutes ago. I, so want to make it easier for him to communicate with me. I know the meltdowns are happening bigger right now because he has a lot of confusion, anxiety, etc in him right now and he can't figure out how to express it, he doesn't understand it.

Since he's had a cough for a few days I took him to the doctor. There he was the funny little boy that I love to be around. He was joking with the nurse and doctor. The nurse asked me what was wrong with him and he said "you don't have to ask my mommy what's wrong with me I can tell you". She said ok, what's wrong Cameron and he gave her his symptoms. He was so proud of himself and then joking with the doctor. We found out he has walking pneumonia. Yippee! More medicine for him to take, three more to be exact. He was once again happy, though he didn't feel good and was coughing like crazy, he was happy.

But, what once was a happy boy went to another meltdown to end the night. Why you ask? We haven't really figured that out, but it was one that lasted a good 30 mins. This time though not only is he screaming, crying and kicking things, we have Peyton crying. I now have a little girl who doesn't understand any of this that is going on, so she has started crying and screaming when she is upset. Not because I believe she has autism also and these are signs starting to show. But because she sees her older brother who she loves and adores having these constant meltdowns and she thinks it's what you're suppose to do when you're upset. So, we ended the night with two crying children, with two parents who wanted to join them. I was able to get Peyton to stop crying and she said "but Cameron's crying", so she's just copying what she thinks she is suppose to be doing. Cameron went to bed still upset, but hopefully will wake up in a much better mood.

So, in the past two days we have been on a constant roller coaster of emotions. Who am I kidding, this is our life. When the highs are there, they are amazing and make the lows disappear! But, when the lows are there they are lower than anyone can imagine. Right now with Cameron we are having some serious lows. I wish this roller coaster would stop or at least be a fun ride, not just for us but for him. He deserves a few days of just pure happiness with no meltdowns, no worries, just being a little boy. Peyton deserves a few days of not seeing any of this. I worry about Cameron because of his autism, but I also worry about Peyton just as much. She is so little and can't understand any of this that she is seeing and is still too young for me to try and explain to her why her brother has these issues. This roller coaster of life is one that all four of us are on. One that we would like for at least a couple days for it to be a fun, can't catch your breath because you're laughing so hard while on the ride, kind of days.

It IS Him...

Today was Cameron's neurologist appointment, which meant I had to pick him up early from school. Go to the office to sign him out only to be stopped by the assistant principal, talking to me about a big meltdown he had today and one that ended up with him trying to run away from his teacher. Not what I was hoping to hear when I go to get him. She and I had a really nice talk, she's just as wonderful as his teachers. I am ready for the other shoe to drop at some point and him not be surrounded by caring teachers but right now that is the one thing that is going in our favor. We talked about how he's really starting to understand his differences, ok let's be honest he doesn't understand any of it. He's starting to really notice his differences, which we believe is an internal struggle that is causing him to have some other serious issues. So, as you have probably began to realize I am an emotional person, this encounter with her was no different. I held back tears, his issues are getting worse and I know, I have already seen this, talked about, cried about it, but it's different when your sons assistant principal talks to you. No matter how wonderful she is, it hits home harder that he's having a hard time and there's nothing I can do about it. So tears wiped away I went and picked him up from class. There he is, running up to see me so happy and young at heart. Now, yes again I realize he is only 6 but when I say young at heart, I mean he may be 6 but socially he is about 3.

We head to the neurologist appointment and we waited for an hour before being taken back. If you want a reminder of how good your life really is, sit in that waiting room seeing children with much worse issues and parents struggling a lot more than you. This was a new neurologist, so I wasn't sure how Cameron was going to handle it. Once we got called back, Cameron I could tell was getting nervous and hyper. Luckily we didn't wait long at all once we were finally back with the doctor and the doctor was soft spoken and great with Cameron. Then he talked to Bryan and me about Cameron's current issues, went through all of the meltdowns, mood swings, aggression, anxiety, you name it we went through all of it. At the end we heard, "this is going to be Cameron's life. This is all a part of his Autism and he's going to hit really low, lows and there's really nothing anyone can do for him but to just be there." Well, thanks for nothing is what I thought at first. Yes, I know he's Autistic and yes I know some of this is a part of what is him, but that's it? There's nothing you can do for him? Then it was like someone slapped me back into reality and said yes, Crystal this is it. This is the life that Cameron is going to have and no matter how many doctors you go to, nothing is going to change it. They're not going to tell you the other 100 doctors were wrong and he doesn't have Autism. They're not going to tell you that they have the magic wand to make all of his problems go away. Accept that this is his life and just try to do everything you can for him. I don't want him to not have Autism, because it makes him the little boy he is. But I really don't want him to have to go through all of these struggles in life. I don't want to have to worry about his 3 hour meltdowns that occur over nothing and worry that during those he may hurt himself. I don't want him to go through all of these struggles internally and not know how to handle any of it. I guess in a way I wanted the doctor to all of a sudden have that magic wand that I so wish I had and use it to help him. But, the reality is setting in, there will never be a magic wand. He is autistic, he is going to have these struggles. But, his Autism and his struggles are making all of us stronger. They are teaching Bryan and me so much about life and helping us learn to accept things the way they are. As any parent though, autistic parent or not when you see your child hurting you want to fix it and the hardest thing is knowing you can't.

So, after the talk with the assistant principal and the neurologist and well lets be honest facing a lot of reality. I realized today that at some point we may have to look at putting Cameron in a special Autism school. Something I have struggled with internally and I'm not sure exactly why. He has Autism, so why do I struggle so hard about sending him to a school for Autism? I don't understand why I am struggling so hard with this, but I am. I don't think we're there yet, but I do think it will be something that Bryan and I will have to seriously consider in the future.

I may not have a magic wand, but I am beginning to see that I have something better. I have a son that is teaching me about a life I never imagined....a life that is better than I could have ever imagined.

“If I could snap my fingers and be nonautistic, I would not. Autism is part of what I am.”
― Temple Grandin

The Spoken Word

After my conversation last night with Cameron about his Autism, I really was not sure what to expect when he woke up this morning. He seemed to be in a good mood, upset that he wasn't allowed to take a toy into school (a new rule that just started yesterday and one that caused a huge meltdown) but other than that he was in a pretty good mood. At drop off this morning I spoke with his teacher about the bullying and as I knew she would because she is an amazing and caring teacher, she said she would take care of it if she witnessed it or if Cameron came and told her about it. Then, once again with Cameron you have to expect the unexpected he walked up to his teacher and said "I have Asperger's which my mommy says is also called Autism and it makes things harder for me." I had never heard him speak those words to anyone and it brought me internally to my knees and tears to my eyes. His teacher without even flinching said "Cameron, it is what helps make you special and it is not a bad thing." He started to talk to her a little bit about it and at one point he said to her "well, ya know it makes it hard for me to understand people and what they are feeling. Like you look really mad right now, are you mad?" As I stood there listening to this conversation I was proud of him, he was talking about it and you could hear in his voice that he was sad about it, but I really don't think he understands why he's sad. He doesn't understand his emotions or others so I am sure he doesn't understand it. His teacher told him "people without Asperger's have issues understanding people, so I don't want you to worry about that today, you're a great kid and I feel lucky to have a kid like you who has Asperger's in my class." I could see a little glimpse of happiness in his face, I was wiping away my tears and he looked at me and said "mommy, she thinks I'm ok" and he walked off. The teacher and I talked for a little bit about it and how she would handle it if he talked about it more to her today and she said she had to hold back tears because of how he was talking to her about it. I left him today with a sad heart because he's starting to realize his differences, I mean really see them. But all he's seeing right now are the bad things. The things that other kids are pointing out to him as being annoying or weird. But he spoke the words...he said "I have Asperger's" and he heard from someone else besides Bryan and me that he was ok.

I picked him up from school to find out he had a better day but a few rough spots. He didn't bring it up again she said, but she said he was a little off. I tried to talk to him but he didn't want to talk, so I didn't push it. I had my first meeting for our Autism Speaks Walk Now For Autism tonight and he and Peyton went with me. There were two other little boys there that are on the Spectrum and they played while we had the meeting. There were a couple of meltdowns for both Cameron and one of the other little boys but for the most part it was a good night.  On the way home he said to me, "mommy does BLANK have Autism like me?" I told him yes and he says to me "thank you for taking me there to play with someone like me". It completely breaks my heart right now that he is going through all of these feelings and doesn't understand any of them. I know because if you has ask him what sad, confused, upset, etc mean he can't tell you. And unless you have a smile on your face he believes you are mad, he doesn't understand any of these emotions. Before bed I gave him an extra kiss goodnight and told him how much I loved him. I didn't bring anything else up, I think he's going through enough and I don't need to bring it up unless he wants to talk about it.

I hope one day, sooner rather than later I can help him to not feel so alone and to not feel like his Autism is a bad thing. Being different isn't a bad thing but we live in a society that makes us all believe it is. My remarkable little boy is laying in bed asleep right now and my hope is when he wakes up tomorrow he is feeling just a little better about himself. He also has his neurologist appointment tomorrow and I am hoping to get some more answers for his mood swings, melt downs, etc. So, tomorrow will hopefully be a day of answers and happy thoughts.