Today was report card day. Which typically with Cam is no
big deal. He always does great academically, so when the report card comes I
usually don’t worry. Well, that changed today. He is still doing pretty well
academically but I did find out he is struggling in a couple of subjects that I
did not realize he was. But then the other side of the report card for
behaviors was basically saying he is awful. It broke my heart, it shocked both
my husband and I and it hit us both like a ton of bricks. I usually don’t go
over each one with Cam as like I said before he has never had a huge issue.
Issues yes, but nothing like this. So, today we went over each one with him.
This is where the day took a completely horrible turn. My sweet 7 year old sat
there crying his eyes out and screamed “I am just a loser!” Want to talk about
hitting a mom in the heart. I stopped going over anything and tried to tell him
how very much I love him and how amazing he is. I tried to tell him that
together we will work on all of these things because his dad and I know that
certain things are harder for him than they are for others. Well, I guess I
said the wrong thing because right then he ran off screaming, crying and
slammed his bedroom door. This is usually what he will do when he is upset and
I know he just needs to get it out. But this time was different. This time we
heard him screaming, “I hate my Asperger’s! I don’t want this life with
Asperger’s! It isn’t fair to me! Asperger’s makes me stupid! Asperger’s makes
me a loser! I want my Asperger’s to go away forever!” And there I stood by his
door with tears streaming down my face. I could barely breath because hearing
those words took every breath right out of me. My husband knew there was no way
I could talk to Cam at this point so he did. He went in and just held Cam and
told him how very much we both love him and how Asperger’s doesn’t make him any
of these horrible things. I was finally able to compose myself (way to hold it
together…I know) and then it was my turn to just hold him and hug him. As I am
hugging him trying myself to remind him how incredible he is, how very loved he
is, he says “I can’t be any of these good things because my Asperger’s makes me
horrible and God must hate me because he gave it to me.” Tears for all three of
us start flowing and I just held him. As my husband and I sit there with him,
all we could do was tell him how much we love him.
I question God a lot on why our children on the spectrum
have the struggles they do. So, I can completely understand my Autistic son
questioning him to. I watch my son struggle daily and cry for him more than
once a day because of these struggles. He tries so hard to be like other
children but he never will be and he knows it. I watch as other children make
fun of him for his differences and it kills me inside. Yes, I usually try to be
super positive about Autism but there are many days…days like today where I
hate that my son has it. I hate that any child has it. To hear my son scream
those words, to see his struggles, I hate that part of it. Of course I love
him…all of him. I just hate that his life isn’t as carefree as other children’s
lives are. I hate that his life will never be that carefree. I listen to
parents of neurotypical children and I want their problems because compared to
Cam’s they are so easy. They for the most part will live a very normal life…one
that my son wishes he could have.
By the end of our hour-long hugging session, I want to
believe Cam was feeling a little bit better. His sister who is absolutely
amazing and at the age of 4 has a heart most adults should have came out of her
room and said, “I love you more than anything in the world and I love your
Asperger’s.” She has no idea what Asperger’s is, but she understands enough to
know it is something that makes things in life harder for her brother. They
played and I heard the two of them laughing and playing together as I sat on
the couch crying. I want so badly to make his life easier. I want more than
anything to take away his pain. Tomorrow will be better….not easier but better.