A Day at the Zoo

Spring break has been wonderful so far. My mom and I took Cam and Peyton over to Tampa for a couple of days and we went to the aquarium, an awesome children’s museum and the AMAZING Tampa zoo. Then on the way back we headed to Legoland. In Cam’s words it has been the BEST SPRING BREAK EVER!! Those are words I love to hear. We had planned this trip for a while, but you never know with him if he’ll actually like the things you plan.

The zoo was the third day and to say it was an amazing experience is an understatement. The Tampa zoo is by far the best zoo I’ve ever been to. Cam got to feed birds for the first time ever and he loved it! He could have stayed there all day. I listened to him talking to them and it was so sweet. It was like he had found a friend and felt ok to be himself. Sounds silly I know because it was a room of birds, but he was in his element. This child loves animals and being able to have these birds sit on his hands and watch them eat and chirp to him was his version of heaven here on Earth. He also got to feed the giraffes, which he thought was a lot of fun. He thought their very long tongues were slimy and he couldn’t stop laughing while he was feeding them. It was just a wonderful time. Peyton isn’t quite brave enough to feed any of the animals yet but it was fun to see her smiling and watching Cam in awe of him. These two have such an amazing bond. I know I have said it before, but I am so thankful for how much they love each other and get along.

This day at the zoo was amazing until the very end. We went in to the gift shop, first big mistake. Not because I didn’t want Cam to get something but because the store was packed and it was overwhelming for him. It was the end of the day, the store was small and everyone was in there. Cam had his heart set on getting a stuffed bird. He LOVES stuffed animals and when he has his mindset for something,  he wants it and can’t understand why he can’t get it or they don’t have it. Well, they didn’t have “the” bird that he wanted. He always has a hard time making choices, he gets overwhelmed when there are too many choices, so the fact that there wasn’t “the” bird and he was looking at all of these other choices was just like watching a volcano getting ready to erupt. I tried to explain to him that we weren’t going to buy anything since they didn’t have what he wanted and now looking back the way I said it made it sound like it was his fault and well he dropped right there with a meltdown. I tried to get him to stand up on his own and that wasn’t happening. So, I picked him up and carried him out of the store screaming, kicking and hitting me. I am very proud of my ducking and moving skills these days. I sat him down outside and people are starting to really stare. The stares don’t usually bother me, but it felt like all of these fellow parents had never seen a meltdown before. So, not only are all eyes on me but I am trying to calm Cam down. Calming him down at this point isn’t working. He doesn’t understand why they don’t have “the” bird and why he can’t have “the” bird that he wants. He just continues to kick and scream. So, once I got him into the stroller we all four started to walk to the car. Well, he’s now scaring Peyton with his meltdown so I ask my mom to take her to the car and Cam and I will be there as soon as this meltdown is done. I found a place for me to sit while he was freaking out in the stroller. I felt as long as he was in the stroller he was not going to hurt himself or me. I knew this was an over stimulated meltdown and there was nothing I was going to say or do to get him to be ok. It was one that he had to work out himself. So, I sat there and I started to cry. Some of this meltdown is my fault, I should have worded things differently, and I should have handled this situation differently. Just at this point a man walks up to me and decided he wanted to give me some parenting advice. Great timing! “Lady looks like you need to go to some parenting classes! I would NEVER allow my child to act like this in public! You are one of the WORST mothers I have EVER seen in MY LIFE!!” Ok, um WHAT?! I was already crying, my son is having a huge meltdown and now this JERK wants to tell me what an awful mother I am. I couldn’t quite believe it to be honest so all I could get out was “I didn’t ask for your opinion.” His response, “lady you asked for everyone’s opinion allowing your child to scream like that. You’re raising a spoiled brat and I feel sorry for him that you’re his mother!” And off this man walks. He walks off after verbally attacking me and leaving me in shock. I can’t believe that this is happening.

I can’t believe that this man just said these awful things to me! I just sat there and cried harder. Cam and I were basically having our own meltdown together at this point. I finally got him calmed down or I should say he calmed himself down and we made our way back to the car. My mom took over watching both kiddos for a while so I could take a walk. I couldn’t even get out what had just happened, I just needed to be alone to cry. Once I was done with my walk and calmed myself down I headed back to the car. Sometimes you just need a good cry and this was one of those times. Cam and I had a long talk, I have been talking to him lately about controlling his anger. So, he said to me “mommy, you told me I have to work on controlling my anger but I can’t. I just can’t!” Ok, kiddo mommy didn’t think she had any more tears in her but you just proved that wrong. You’re right, you can’t control it and that is why I am here. To help you and I have once again failed you by telling you, you have to control it by yourself. Maybe that man is right; maybe I am an awful mom. I made a promise to Cam and myself at that moment that I would not tell him that he had to control it. I have to help him and that’s what I am going to do.

After this meltdown the rest of the trip was wonderful. We had a GREAT time and made so many wonderful memories. Though, what that man said is still bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it. I also feel like I failed Cam because that was a teaching moment for me. I could have tried to teach that man about Autism and explain Cam to him. But instead I sat there in shock and just cried. I am Cam’s advocate and I didn’t do my job. I can’t redo the situation though I wish I could, but I can learn from it. Next time I will be Cam’s advocate and next time the person will not get just a shocked look. 

Walk A Mile In Our Shoes

         Walk a mile in our shoes. That is a sentence I would love to say to certain family members. It seems just as I am ok with these same people not being a part of our life and never understanding Cam, they rear their ugly heads and slap us in the face. It is bad enough they have little to nothing to do with our family, unless others are around, then you would think they are always around. They don’t like for anyone to talk bad about them, yet they only think about themselves. I am at my wits end and tired of putting on a smile and acting as if everything is fine.

Walk a mile in our shoes. Deal with the constant meltdowns from Cam, the throwing of anything and everything, the hurting himself pretty much on a daily basis and multiple times a day. Deal with the running away from us in public or in our neighborhood and everyone is staring at us, whenever he gets overwhelmed, scared or confused. Deal with the constant doctors appointments, therapies and school meetings. Deal with the constant battles with the insurance companies to cover the meds Cam desperately needs or the therapies that help him to cope in this world. These all happen every day, every hour of the day.

Walk a mile in our shoes. Try and be there for Peyton as Cam is having all of these issues. Try and be the mother and father to her that you so desperately want to be but feel on a daily basis you are failing her because of having to handle all of Cam’s issues. Try to make her understand why her brother is different and does all of these things, all at her young age of 4.

Walk a mile in our shoes. Clean the house while the meltdowns, throwing of everything and hurting himself is going on. Don’t gain weight because of stress; yes I said gain weight because when you only have a certain amount of time each day to eat, it’s not always the easiest to eat healthy. When 8:00-9:00 at night is sometimes the time you get to sit down and eat your dinner because you have been trying to handle Cam’s issues, try to help Peyton know she is amazing and this world we live in with Cam will one day get a little easier and keep our sanity.

Walk a mile in our shoes. You think you’re busy with work. Imagine what my husband goes through every day. Not only does he have to handle the stresses of work, the stresses of being our only income because I can’t go back to work because Cam will spiral down more than he already is, but he also has the stress of being a father to a child with Autism. A father that never gets a break from anything because he has to be on 24/7 either at work or at home and even when he’s at work he has the stresses of home and being a special needs father follow him.

Walk a mile in our shoes. Try being a special needs parent. Try going days with only a couple hours of sleep total because you can’t sleep. You can’t sleep because you’re trying to figure out how to make tomorrow better, how to help Cam when he has his next meltdown. You can’t sleep because you’re worried about the finances, because you think being a parent is expensive; try being a parent to a child with Autism. You can’t sleep because you are constantly trying to read on how to help your child. You can’t sleep because you feel like a constant failure to both of your children.

Walk a mile in our shoes. You who judge, come in our house, not when it’s convenient and not when it’s going to make you look good, but when Cam’s melting down for 3 hours. Come in our house when he’s throwing things at us, screaming at us and all while we try to stop him with everything we have from hurting himself. Be a part of our real life, not the pretend life you choose to want to be a part of.

The day that you can walk a mile in our shoes is the day that you can judge us. Until then, keep your opinions to yourself. We are doing the very best we can in every aspect of our life and having others throw stones and constantly judge us only makes our journey in this life with Cam that much harder.                        




Twilight Zone

Cam woke up on the sunny side of the bed today and this hasn’t happened in what seems like forever! There were no issues getting dressed and ready for school. We headed to school with no issues and drop off was easy. It was almost scary! When you are so used to getting the grumbling and meltdowns, having a morning like this makes you feel like you’re in the twilight zone.

Peyton and I went to have lunch with Cam today and that made him very happy. He loves when we come to have lunch and when we stay and Peyton plays with him at recess. Their relationship is wonderful and I am very thankful for that. She is so good with him and has learned at the young age of 4 how to handle his meltdowns. Usually when we go to leave after recess is over Cam has a meltdown because he doesn’t want us to leave. But, before that could happen today Peyton gave him a hug. His frown quickly turned to a little smile and he said “thank you Peyton for the hug. You are my best friend”. They truly are best friends, she accepts him for him and he needs that. She loves him and never judges him and he really does look at her as his best friend.

Pick up was just as good and seriously at this point I am feeling like we are actually in the twilight zone. No meltdowns, no real attitude, just happy and laughing. He built with his Legos for a while and his imagination amazes me when he builds. Then after dinner he and Peyton wanted to go for a bike ride. So we headed out to get on our bikes and he stops and looks at his bike and says, “mommy, am I a baby because I still have my training wheels on?” Now, a little back-story, we have tried the no training wheels things, but right now his balance and coordination just aren’t ready. So, back to his comment, I of course told him no, he’s not a baby at all. He looks over at me and says, “ Some of the boys say I’m a baby because I have them. But, I am just scared not to have them. I think I should keep them on like Peyton.” This was a big moment because he actually said he was scared. It also broke my heart because though most of the time he doesn’t care what people think, because he’s in his own world, there are times where he does care and those times break my heart. We had a little talk and I promised him he wasn’t a baby. He seemed ok, so off on our bike ride we went. The three of us sang, laughed and told jokes the entire bike ride. We rode a little over SIX miles tonight! I am SO very proud of both of my kiddos because that is a long way for their little legs.

So, for the entire day today I have felt like I am living in a twilight zone. We didn’t have one single melt down, no slamming doors, throwing things, hurting himself, nothing. We had a full day of happy Cam. Who knows what tomorrow holds, but for tonight I am going to enjoy living in this twilight zone. 

One of those days....

Have you ever sat there just a little jealous of seeing what your friend’s children are able to do and yet you know your child may never be able to? I am having one of those days. It is baseball, soccer, baseball, etc season and all over I am seeing my friends post on Facebook or share with me how their children are doing all of these wonderful activities. I am beyond happy for my friends, so please if any of you are reading this, do not take this is in a negative way. I look forward to going to games to cheer these little ones on, hearing all of their wonderful accomplishments and seeing all of those wonderful pictures. So, with all of that being said, I am having one of those days where I wish Cam was ready for all of this.

We have tried soccer but when it comes to a team sport, he just isn’t ready yet. We tried t-ball and well that failed miserably. He can barely ride his scooter without killing himself, so heading to a skateboard park is out of the question. I think you are getting the idea. His coordination isn’t there yet; his social skills aren’t there….he’s just not there yet. Will he be one day? I hope so. All children are different and children on the spectrum are also very different. I love the saying “if you’ve met one child with Autism, you’ve met ONE child with Autism”. They’re all so different and that is also why there is also a spectrum.

We tried to be the parents that pushed him and really tried to get him to be on a team sport. We always explained his issues to the coaches. Bryan was even the assistant coach for most of the times we tried so he could be there right on the field with Cam and help him. Cam would yell at the other children, push or hit them when he got frustrated, basically it was a total fail. His social abilities just aren’t there yet. It is all over stimulating, too loud, just all too much. It breaks my heart.

When he was a baby I would have talks with him and tell him how I would always be at whatever game he was playing and I would be yelling the loudest out of pride. (Please know that I also told him I would be proud of whatever he decided he wanted to be when he grew up and I always will be proud of him) He came home to a room done in all sports. His room now is even mostly sports teams because I so hoped he would get into it. I want him to fit in. I want to be at that game, being that loud mom yelling with pride. But, that’s not him. He could really care less at this point about most sports. He does try to play soccer with Bryan, but he gets frustrated when Bryan tries to teach him how to do something and a meltdown usually occurs at this point. He’s starting to like to try and dribble a basketball, but his coordination is really against him on this one. Plus again, his social skills just aren’t there yet.

I am much more upset about any of this than he is. He is very happy playing alone, building with Legos and reading his books about animals. All things I think are wonderful. He amazes me with how smart he is and his passion for the things he is interested in. He doesn’t just like a subject; he becomes a complete book of knowledge on it. But, I do sometimes wish he were ready for me to be at that game, taking lots of pictures, yelling for him out of pride and just fitting in. I wish some days his struggles were much smaller than what they are. Today is one of those days.

Thankful...

After a total fail of a day on Friday with Cam, I was hoping for a great weekend. Beyond happy to report we had one! There were a few meltdowns and bumps along the way but for the most part this was a really great weekend. Truly just what the doctor ordered for all of us.

Saturday we headed to a petting zoo with Grandma Judy (aka my mom). Well, I am sure you have guessed my little animal lover was in complete heaven. He and Peyton loved every minute of it. Peyton was scared to pick up a couple of the animals, so Cam picked them up and held them for her so she could pet them. It was so sweet. We all laughed and had a really good time. It was the fun day that we all needed. Cam had a mini meltdown at lunch but thankfully my mom helped me handle it in the middle of the restaurant and all was good quickly in Cam’s world. I am truly thankful for my mom, she understands Cam, I mean truly understands him and doesn’t even blink an eye when one of his meltdowns start. She just rolls with it and helps in whatever way she can. So, it was a really fun day. Then we came home and played outside with daddy. Bryan was working with Cam on how to play basketball. My little guy really doesn’t have the coordination just yet to dribble the ball, but he keeps trying and that is all that matters. Bryan is so patient with him; he is the best daddy in the world. He always takes the time with Cam and is so patient. So, as you can see Saturday was a complete success!

Today to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, I helped our little leprechaun leave some treats for the kiddos and have some fun moving things around the house. They loved it and I loved seeing their smiles. So, hooray we started today off on a good note! We had some friends over for a bbq with their little boy and Cam could not wait for them to get here. He kept looking at the clock and counting down. When he saw them pull up he ran out to greet them. So, he was just a little excited. The kids played and had fun. Cam does not make it easy to be his friend. I sat and watched and listened to how he talks and it made me realize even more how hard it is for others to be friends with him and even more so, how hard it is for him to be a friend. I know I’ve said it before that being his friend is hard but being able to really sit and listen made it hit home even more. But, our friend’s son was very patient and so good with Cam. Cam did good in his own way. When he would get frustrated he did do the stomping off and getting angry, but for the most part he really held it together and I was very proud of him. I know it’s not easy for him, so to see him do better than I expect is a great day. It was nice though, Bryan and I are usually walking on eggshells but today we weren’t and not only was it a day that the kiddos needed, but it was day that Bryan and I needed.

I worry about Cam having friends but honestly with his issues it is just as hard for Bryan and I to have friends, as it is him. We have had friends and family walk out of our lives because of his meltdowns or quirks. Or we have ones who are in our lives that will never understand or try to understand, so it makes it hard for us to be around them. Until recently I truly didn’t think we’d ever have people in our lives that would understand or even try to understand. This is not me being Debbie Downer; this is just a part of the life of a parent of a special needs child. But, recently a few friends have showed me that I was wrong. They’ve showed me that they care, they want to understand and they don’t judge. Being a special needs parent is not easy and having to be surrounded by friends or family that don’t understand only makes it harder. So, I am truly thankful for the few family members and friends, who care enough to try to understand, listen and not judge. It is hard to put into words how thankful I am for these people, but please know that I will do my best to always show how thankful I am. I think special needs parents learn to appreciate these types of people in our lives even more because we know it’s not easy to be in our lives.

Friday I was a complete Debbie Downer and truly that night I cried myself to sleep. The journey we are on with Cam is not easy and some days it is much easier to cry and feel sad than it is to remember the happy moments. But today, I am beyond thankful for the great weekend we had. Every day I am thankful for my amazing husband who is the most wonderful father and husband I could ever ask for. Being parents to a special needs child isn’t easy and it can put a huge strain on a marriage. Then you put other every day issues on top of that and well the divorce statistics for couples of special needs children is very high. I am thankful because I know we will never be one of those statistics. We have been through hell and back in our marriage and have made it through it all. This journey with Cam has only made us stronger. I am thankful for our beautiful daughter, who is truly a beautiful ray of sunshine in our lives. She is an incredible little sister and she adores her big brother. I am thankful for the friends and family in our life that are there for us and do all they can to understand our journey. Of course I am so thankful for Cam, for without him this journey as a special needs mama wouldn’t be happening. He has taught me to not judge, to look at life through a different set of eyes, to enjoy the small achievements because those are the ones that I use to take for granted.

If you couldn’t tell I am in a mushy and super thankful mood tonight. This weekend helped get me out of my slump and remind me of the amazing things in my life. Tomorrow who knows what it will hold, but thankfully after this weekend I feel more up for the challenge. 

So Many Hoops

Today is Friday, that feels like the only positive for today. Cam woke up in the worst mood, which is always a fun start to any day. Grumbled at me that he didn't have any desire to go to school and reminded me that the air there isn't safe to breath. Not sure where the kiddo got this idea at, but I quickly grumbled back that the air was safe and that he had no choice but to go to school. Headed off to school, grumbling and all. Life isn't fair according to my son....ya think kiddo? Drop off was fine, a few grumbles from him and off I went.

Pick up time came and that's where the day really went downhill. I haven't talked about it, but for the entire school year I have been in the process of getting Cam an IEP. I have been nice, done everything I was asked and as quickly as I could. Been very patient and as understanding as any parent can be. I haven't lost it, well to anyone there about how long the process has been taking because I don't want to ruffle the wrong feathers and have it take even longer. But, today my positive attitude was pushed because just as I thought we were one step to being much closer to having our meeting to set up the goals, I was told that there is yet another test to be done. Another waiting for this test to be set up, you get the picture...another hoop to jump through before Cam gets the help he needs. I got Cam from class got in my car and just cried. I am at a loss on this one because I am angry and frustrated. So, I call a friend and vent to her and she gives me ideas of things to do. I am so thankful she answered her phone and let me vent because it truly helped me so much. But, of course it's Friday afternoon and no one at the office that I called answers the phone so I have to wait until Monday. Which honestly as much as I want to get answers is probably a good thing because I am so upset that I need time to calm down and get my mind straight. I need time to breath before screaming at the wrong person and just making matters worse....though I am not sure at this point that is even possible.

As I mentioned Cam was in a bad mood at drop off and at pick up wasn't any better. So, why I decided to take him to get his haircut is beyond me. Pushing it wasn't a good idea, but the kid had a bush growing from his head and needed a haircut. Did I mention he HATES haircuts, hates anyone touching his head, hates anything near his face. But, I still thought getting a haircut was a good idea. And yes I am questioning my sanity on why I thought it was a good idea too. The haircut was a COMPLETE fail! He hated it from the second we got there. Bryan took him in at first and he told me that he was yelling at the lady cutting his hair, yelling at Bryan, yelling at pretty much whoever came near him. So, instead of Peyton and I sitting in the car and waiting we head in to try and help. I can see the frustration, overstimulation and annoyance in his face. I hold his hands and try to calm him down and talk him through all of it. Everything itches, everything is loud, pretty much everything was miserable according to him. Thankfully the lady cutting his hair was very patient and did the best that she could do. Bryan and I have decided that I will probably need to learn how to cut his hair because going out to get it cut is always a huge FAIL. 

Get in the car and he's just annoyed at everything possible. This day just keeps getting better doesn't it? I had promised him we were going to his favorite restaurant for dinner, so grumpy and all we headed there. At first it was another complete fail for the day but midway through it was like he completely changed and was happy once again. So, it wasn't a complete fail and dinner was eaten without any meltdowns. We will count that as a huge success for the day that has been nothing but fails. 

Tonight is movie night and we're watching Lion King. I am trying to remember to Hakuna Matata, but today is very hard for that motto. I am tired of jumping through hoops and getting nowhere. I am tired of being surrounded by people who don't understand or care to understand my son. I am pretty much just tired and annoyed tonight of a lot. So, I should probably just stay to myself because who knows what will come out of my mouth right now. 

I am Cam's biggest advocate and try to help him in any way I can. I am his mom, I am suppose to be able to fix everything for him. He's 6, he's Autistic, he's got everything stacked against him and he needs me to be able to fix everything. Yet, tonight I feel like I am failing him, I feel like the system is failing him, I pretty much feel like everyone is failing him and there's nothing I can do. Yes, I realize that I am Debbie Downer tonight, but today is one of those days where I just feel like I can't win. 

Friends...

Today started out a little rough. Cam must have woken up on the completely wrong side of the bed. I mean he came in our room mad and yelling, it was just not a happy morning. I was able to get him to get dressed for school and eat his breakfast. This felt like a true accomplishment after the yelling and grumpy mood that he woke up in. We headed off to school and I just kept my fingers crossed that the drop off went well. Thankfully, for the most part it did. He was still in a really bad mood, but overall the drop off went well.

Pick up time and he came out with the same grumpy look on his face that he had when I dropped him off. He informed me he had a bad headache and he believes the air at school is causing this. Well, first it was the sun and then once we got into the car he yelled at me that he couldn’t go back tomorrow because he believes the air isn’t fresh at school so he shouldn’t have to breath it any more. Random from the kiddo once again, but pretty much nothing surprises me out of his mouth any more.

He did say something to me once we got home, that hit me hard. I was asking him about his day and going through the same questions I always ask. I always ask him who he ate lunch with and who he played with at recess. I do this to try and see if he’s actually interacting with anyone when he has down time to be able to. Usually he’ll say no one and he’ll give me this long reason on why he doesn’t play with them. Usually it has something to do with that they don’t play what he wants to play. But today it was a different answer. Today when I asked him who he played with at recess he said “I didn’t play with anyone mommy. I have decided I don’t need friends. They think I am weird and no one wants to ever play with me, so I have decided I don’t need friends.” Well you can imagine that crushed me inside. I tried to talk to him about it, but he wanted nothing to do with the conversation so I knew to not push it.

I always knew because of his issues he wouldn’t be the most popular kid in school and that doesn’t bother me at all. But, I always hoped that he would at least have one or two friends that understood him and accepted him. Yes, I realize that there is still plenty of time for this to happen. But, it breaks my heart that he’s decided he doesn’t need friends and he knows that they think he’s weird. It kills me that at the young age of 6 he feels this way. I know he’s amazing and can be so funny. Of course lately his made up jokes are so awful all you can do is laugh. But, he’s trying to be funny which I love.

It is hard to be a kid these days. Put being a special needs kid on top of that and well, it just doesn’t seem fair most days. I hope that one day soon he can make a friend that understands him and accepts him. Trust me, I am his mom and I know it is hard to be his friend. He likes things his way and he doesn’t understand why others don’t want to do it that exact way too. He has meltdowns that are out of this world. But, he also has so many great qualities that I hope a friend can see. I guess I want it more for him than he does at this point, but I also believe it’s because his self-esteem is so low that not only does he not want a friend, he doesn’t think he is good enough to have a friend.

Today was a day that started off on a really bad note, had a middle that made me want to cry tears of sadness and ended with my little man giving me a huge hug, which completely melted my heart. I want Cam to have a friend but more importantly I want him to see the amazing little boy I see and know that he is good enough for anyone to like. 

A Day From........

Today was a day from hell. I don’t usually say that, no matter how bad things get but today it really was. Cam was off from school today because it was a teacher duty day. We had been talking about this for a week to prepare him of the schedule change. But when he woke up this morning, he started getting ready for school. Once I realized what he was doing I reminded him there was no school today and here is where you can insert the first meltdown of the day. Huge meltdown, clothes being thrown, screaming, punching the door and walls. It was not the way I was hoping to start off our day. I also knew this was one that I was just going to have to let it run its course. Doing my sumo moves or trying to calm him down wasn’t going to work. I can tell by the look in his eyes. So, I moved things in the room that I thought he could hurt himself with and just let him go at it. This lasted almost an hour. He came out sweaty and his eyes were very red but he was calmed down. So, lets move forward and hope for the best.

I decided to take the kiddos to a movie today. Since our morning was off to a rough start, I thought maybe getting out of the house might do all of us some good. While we were waiting in line to get into the movies, someone got to close to Cam and he freaked out. The older man thought he was being friendly and patted Cam and Peyton on the head. Peyton giggled and Cam completely freaked out. He HATES to be patted on the head. So, insert freak out meltdown of the day number two right here in front of the movie theater. The gentleman of course had to say, “he doesn’t need to get so upset I was only trying to play with him”. Well, as I am trying to get him to calm down I said probably louder than I should have “maybe you should realize people might not like to be touched, especially children who are AUTISIC.” Which if you knew me, that’s normally not like me at all. I can normally keep my composure, but between the ladies rude comment at the game on Saturday and this gentleman’s tone and reaction, I just lost it. The man just walked away with a disgusted look on his face, like how dare should I have said something. I was able to get Cam calmed down and we were able to make it into the movie theater. Of course after that incident he didn’t let my hand go and was in a bad mood.

Head home after the movie and Cam was just in a bad mood. He had been all day, the patting of the head incident just made it worse. So, when we got home Peyton really wanted to play outback on the play set and kept asking Cam to play with her. He surprisingly caved in and went to play outside with her. They weren’t outside for very long because he was in a bad mood and Peyton decided she wanted to push his buttons. So, insert meltdown number three here. I had asked them both to come inside since they were fighting and he once again completely lost it. He ran away from me around the backyard, which is always fun. I can only imagine what our neighbors think as they watch this. He’s pretty fast, but thankfully I was able to box him into a corner and catch him. Got him and brought him inside kicking and screaming. This time I tried my sumo wrestler moves held him down and just let him kick, scream and cry. Once he calmed down, I let him play by himself for a while in his room. Peyton and I were playing out in the playroom and he came out and decided that he wanted to play with us.

We all play for a while and then his bad attitude shows its ugly head again. I scolded him for snapping at Peyton and you can insert another complete and total meltdown here. At this point, I just want to join him. He is throwing everything in his room that he can get his hands on and punching everything, wall, bed, door, you name it and he’s punching or kicking it. This wonderful day just keeps getting better. This one lasted almost two hours…two very long hours.

We ended our day with you guessed it, another meltdown. So, when I say today was a day from hell, you can see why. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and scream and cry right next to him. Who knows maybe tonight after I finish writing this I just may. I could tell when he woke up and I saw “the” look in his eyes that today was going to be a rough one. I just hoped I could do something, help in some way to make it a better day. A part of me feels like I failed him because I couldn’t do anything to help him. But, I also know these days are going to happen. They’ve been a part of him for his 6 ½ years of life, so I should be prepared when they happen. But, they still continue to throw me for a loop. Hoping a good cry for me and good nights sleep for him will make tomorrow a much better day.

Basketballs, laughs, smiles and tears

Basketballs, laughs, smiles and tears are the best words to describe our Saturday night. We went to see the Harlem Globetrotters last night for the first time and the kiddos were so very excited. Cam had watched them on TV and thought they were hilarious, so when I told him Grandma Judy got us tickets to go see them he was beyond excited. Peyton squealed with excitement because he was so excited and daddy was pretty excited to. You get the picture we were all excited. My mom had not only bought us tickets to the game but she bought us tickets to have one on one time with all of the team before the game. So all five of us headed out ready for a night of fun with the Globetrotters.

The pre-game festivities were amazing. Both kiddos got to play a little basketball with the players, learn how to spin a basketball on their finger, get their pictures taken with each of the players and have their basketballs autographed by all of them. To say my kiddos were on cloud nine would be an understatement. They had huge smiles on their faces and couldn’t stop telling all of us how awesome it was. Cam was most excited to be able to bounce the basketball with them and decided he was going to be a Globetrotter one day. Of course first he will have to actually have the coordination to play the game, but for last night he was ready!

The game started and Cam lit up. We had seats on the court and Cam felt like a superstar. Once it started all I heard was his adorable little laugh and see his cheeks huge from his wonderful smile. He was loving the show. He and Peyton kept laughing together and pointing out all the funny parts, which to them was everything. When the players would do one of their amazing tricks Cam would say, “WOW, look at that mommy!” or “Oh my goodness that was AMAZING!” I loved the show, but hearing and watching him enjoy the show so much was incredible.

After half time Cam went and sat on daddy’s lap. He was getting a little tired and I believe the stimulation was starting to get a little overwhelming. I can always tell when this happening by a look he gets and a way he starts to act. We asked him if he was ready to go and he said no, that he wanted to stay and watch the rest of the show. So, the game started back up and I heard his laughs again, not as loud but they were there. Then all of a sudden that went away. One of the players was joking around doing a skit and picked Cam up from daddy’s lap and went running away with him up in the air. Cam’s face went from a brief smile to complete terror and tears. He was completely petrified and didn’t understand what was going on. The player finally realized that in what seemed like forever but was probably only a matter of seconds and put Cam down and he came running into my lap. He was shaking and crying uncontrollably. It completely crushed me. Most kids want to be a part of the show and I think had the circumstances been different and Cam been prepared he would have loved it. But, that didn’t happen; he wasn’t prepared and now was meltdown time.

The crying lasted for a little while and the shaking lasted longer. But, I was so proud of him because he didn’t lose it completely though I could tell he wanted to. He sat there crying and I kept trying to console him, hugging him and pointing out funny parts of the show to get his mind off of what had just happened. He finally started to smile, tears were still coming but he was smiling. Then he started to hug me, watch the show a little and I started to hear his laugh. I knew I had him back and he was settling down. We all offered to leave but he was content on my lap watching the rest of the show and wanted to stay as long as I promised him that wouldn’t happen again.

I sat there fighting back tears because one, I felt horrible for him, he was so scared, petrified in fact. But, then I was so proud of him because though I could tell and feel in him that he wanted to completely meltdown right there, he didn’t. He cried and was shaking yes, but he didn’t fall on the floor screaming and completely meltdown. Others in the audience laughed at him, one lady even made a comment that fortunately for her, my mom, Bryan and I were more concerned about Cam that we didn’t say anything back to her. It broke my heart that he went from completely being on cloud nine, loving everything and smiling bigger than I have seen in awhile to complete tears and trembling.

On the way home though he said he didn’t just like the show but he loved it. He said “I really loved it mommy, I just really didn’t like it when that man picked me up and ran away with me. I was very scared and just didn’t want to leave you.” Again, even though that part of the show was a bad experience we had a breakthrough. He explained a little bit of how he felt, which is a big moment for him. It might seem like nothing, but trust me it was huge. This time the car was dark so my tears fell and no one knew or saw so I felt it was ok. I was proud of him, beyond proud and I was sad for him all the same.

Yes, I know some will say well my child would have been scared too. I realize that neurotypical children have fears too and I am not trying to belittle that in any way. Cam’s fears are different and his reactions to these fears are very different. Him holding it together and not completely melting down last night was huge and is a night that will forever be in my memory. So…..last night was night of many memories for all of us.

Talent Show

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In the past two days I have dealt with meltdowns on a whole new level. These are meltdowns that for the most part could have been avoided had people who really don't understood Cam dealt with situations differently. You see, if you say that he can do something or yes to something because you don’t want to deal with repercussions of telling him no or you really just don’t know how to talk to him because you never take the time to get to truly know and understand him, it is best to not say anything at all. Because, it in turn causes meltdowns that I then get to deal with and are on a level that you will never understand.

We’ll start with pick up time yesterday. Cam ran out telling me about a talent show happening at his school and that he was going to be in. Ok, first off rewind, I was just in a PTA meeting that didn’t mention anything about a talent show. I attend these meetings to one, be a part of the school because that is what I like to do, be involved but is secondly because I need to have a constant calendar of events to not only prepare Cam for, but to also prepare myself on how to help him handle these events. So when he comes running out to tell me about this talent show I was a little confused. So once I get him to take a breath and actually make it in the car before continuing to tell me about it, he gives me the details and begins to tell me exactly when it is and what he plans on doing in it. What does he want to do in it you ask? He wants to dress up in a gold Power Rangers costume, bring his sword and put on a Power Ranger sword show. Now, that sounds cute and it is great for Halloween, play time at home or even a costume contest, but not a talent show. But, thanks to one of his teachers and a few others I now have to tell him that though they told him it was a good idea and they can’t wait to see it, it’s not really a talent appropriate for this talent show. Insert complete and total meltdown here please. So as this total meltdown is going on and I am trying my sumo wrestler moves to get him to calm down, stop throwing things, punching his walls and physically hurting himself, I am also trying to think of an alternative talent. Almost an hour later the meltdown was over and he was completely exhausted and just wanted to watch Wild Kratts and not talk to me. Ok, kiddo, Wild Kratts it is if that makes you forget about this for just a little bit.

See, I love my son more than you’ll ever be able to imagine. He has many talents that I love. He can name every dinosaur, what they ate, what period they came from, you name it and he knows it about dinosaurs. He is also getting that way with animals. He reads animal books every day, he watches animal shows and he plays animal games. The animals have taken over for the dinosaurs, however he still has a passion for them too. He can tell you a million things about animals and I think that is an amazing talent. However, none of them are for a talent show. His talent abilities for singing, dancing, joke telling or even sports, well it just isn’t there. So, having his heart set on being in a talent show and having no talent for this show is something that is hard for him to understand. Not just hard, impossible. Also, the mama bear in me comes out too. He already gets laughed at and picked on at school. Imagine my wonderfully amazing little man up on stage in his costume doing a sword “show”. You don’t think the laughs would be so loud that they would hurt his ears and he would start to cry. He has a low self esteem as it is and he deals with these laughs already. We don’t need to add to them.

He mentioned it again first thing this morning and I told him I would talk to his teacher to get all the details. The details are the problem, there is none. His main teacher didn’t even know about it. It was a different teacher who told him about it and it was others who told him that they couldn’t wait to see him in the show. Insert another meltdown here at school, first thing this morning. His main teacher tried to help me, help him realize that the gold Power Ranger with a sword isn’t really appropriate for the talent show. So, once we finally get him calmed down, I tried to tell him that he doesn’t have to be in the show. Insert second meltdown of morning here and yes we just finished the first. He HAS to be in the show, he WANTS to be in the show. People have said they want to come watch him in it. So, now I make a promise that I will figure something out. I make this promise with tears in my eyes because I want him to stop having his meltdown and I don’t want to crush his dreams of being in this show. So, now thanks to the mention of this show and the fact that others have said they want to see him in it, I have to come up with a talent and teach him this talent. Mind you this will start more meltdowns because when he doesn’t want to do the talent, doesn’t like the talent or has a hard time doing the talent he will meltdown....over and over again. His self-esteem will continue to go down because he is his own worst critic and he will think that whatever it is he is doing is not good enough. I have to come up with a talent that he will actually enjoy, be good at and all of this has to be done before this talent show.

This is why I wish people would take the time to read, listen and gain knowledge about Cam. I work day and night to spread knowledge and awareness, yet people in our lives continue to ignore it all. There’s really no excuse…at all. Telling him yes to things that you shouldn’t, just starts a spiral of meltdowns that they don’t have to deal with. They just get to see the smile when they say yes; I get to deal with the aftermath. So, now I am trying to figure out a talent because my son has his heart set on this and I don’t want to let him down.

The Brightside

I’m back and all of us survived! Actually, my husband did more than survive; he rocked it as a single dad. He did it all by himself, which is not easy with these two kiddos. My mom had offered to help if he needed it, but he and the kiddos did it all by themselves. I survived, no hyperventilating or white jackets for me. Though, I did have anxiety kick in when I dropped Cam off at school on Thursday, anxiety and tears I should say. But, the positive is, we all survived. I don’t think it is something I will be doing again for awhile because though I had fun, I worried nonstop and the guilt from being gone was overwhelming.

When I dropped Cam off on Thursday I was told that the schools designated psychologist would be coming in to do his evaluation on Friday. Well, if that didn’t just kick the anxiety in! This is something that we have been working on for almost two school years now. Finally they are doing the evaluation and of course it is the day that I am not going to be in town. Not that I could do anything because it his evaluation, I just wish it wasn’t going to be the day I wasn’t going to be in town. I have been trying to get him an IEP for what feels like forever. I have hit so many obstacles that when they actually told me that the evaluation was happening I almost kissed the woman. Of course then it wouldn’t have been just Cam they would be evaluating.

Then today I had to fill out two packets on Cam. Asking all of the questions on his Autism and behaviors. Is it weird that it hit me hard to be filling out a packet that said Autism? I cried sitting here filling them out. The signs that Cam has shown since he was little, thinking back to them all as I filled it out. It all just hit me very hard. The guilt of not pushing hard to get his diagnosis came slapping me in my face. The guilt of listening to others who told me I was wrong and that he was just a child who needed more discipline and not listening to my motherly instinct. Yes, he was only 4 years old when he was diagnosed but I was seeing signs before he was 2 and I allowed others to make me doubt myself, doubt what I knew.

Can I tell you how happy I am that this is all finally happening though? I know it is a continious battle for the IEP, I am not kidding myself. However, I am happy that the road for it is finally beginning. It is also helping me decide what to do for him when it comes to school next year. Yes, I wrote a few days ago that I felt like I had it all figured out but then I started to question myself. But, now I really feel like we know what is going to be best for him.

The life of a child on the spectrum is much like constantly being on a rollercoaster. I know the life of a neurotypical child can feel like that also, remember I am fortunate to have one of each. But, life with a child on the spectrum changes by the second. The fighting for him never stops. The battles with society to accept him, for who he is, not who society wants him to be. It’s a constant battle every second of every day. Trying to get family to understand him, the people that are suppose to be on our side and wanting to really understand him. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Unfortunately, they seem to be the hardest to get through to. Then comes society, constantly judging, pointing fingers, whispering about our children and their differences. It is a constant battle. The school issues are no different. We have to fight constantly for our children to get the education they deserve. Which to me is mind boggling, it should not be this hard.

BUT, I am looking on the bright side…the process for the school help is starting to move forward. We are feeling good about our decision for him for next school year. My husband and I are learning more and understanding more about the rights Cam has and therefore are able to help advocate for him more. What we didn’t know before we do now and that is a positive. The struggles will continue but we are getting armed with the knowledge we need to truly help him…and to me that is a very bright side.