I haven’t written in awhile…not because we have had nothing
going on but because to be honest it feels like every time I turn around something bad is
happening. The same day Cam lost his great grandmother he had his EEG. Which we
still have more questions than answers from…that will be for another day to
write about. The day after both of these events happened we had Cam’s first IEP
meeting. Insert a hallelujah dance here that after many years of fighting for
him to have this…he finally does!
Shortly after the loss of his great grandmother, the scary
EEG and the stressful IEP meeting, we lost our dog. Now let me explain to you
that she was not just a dog…she was our family. She would have been 11 years
old on October 1. She was a huge piece to our family puzzle. Explaining this to
both of my children was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Both
of my children are still coping with this loss and it breaks my heart. Every
night we do prayers together and every night Cam prays that Mattie (our dog)
was still here and asks God to please bring her back to him. They look at
pictures of her daily, still cry for her daily and my heart still breaks for
them and for our family daily because she is gone. Mattie was like a therapy
dog for Cam. When he was having a bad day, a melt down or just not himself, she
knew and she would not leave his side. She laid with him, loved on him when he
needed it the most, she was his best friend. He has truly struggled with this
loss. He has had the worst days at school he has had in a very long time and
has meltdowns that have lasted hours and he hurts himself regularly with his picking.
I wish I could make all of this pain go away for him and for my daughter. With
my daughter though she expresses it, she talks about and I can help her. With
Cam he doesn’t understand any of these emotions going on and keeps it all
inside and then just erupts like a volcano for what seems like no reason.
Then last week on top of everything he got really sick.
Sick, plus dealing with the death of his great grandmother and his dog/best
friend, issues at school, medical tests, you name it and none of it has been easy on him at all. Yesterday he
got in trouble for something and screamed that he wishes he were dead. At the
age of 7 my son is dealing with these thoughts. My husband and I had a long
talk with him about these scary feelings that he is having and at the end of it
I felt like I have lost him in a way and I am working on finding him again. He
told us that he believes people would be better off if he weren’t here because
he is a loser, he is weird and he is a horrible boy. It wasn’t a cry for
attention…it was how he is truly feeling. I am heartbroken, lost and I just
want to hold him forever and tell him how wonderful I think he is. I sit here
crying because my son at the age of 7 has feelings that he at no age should
ever have.
When it rains it pours and it has been a hurricane of bad
things happening for Cam. Worst thing is he doesn’t understand any of it. He
was crying and I asked why he was sad, hoping this might be the time he tells
me something that is going on inside that little head of his and he said “I’m
not sad.” I asked why he was crying and he just told me he doesn’t know. The
truth is, he doesn’t know. The truth is as his mom I can’t take this pain away
and I want to more than anything in this world. So badly I want to. On the way
to school today he asked me why God wasn’t listening to him and bringing Mattie
back to him. He told me he doesn’t think God understands that he needs his best
friend back. How do you explain to your child these things about life that half
the time we, as adults do not understand? His days have been bad, his meltdowns
have been horrific, his body is covered in cuts that he has given himself from
picking at himself so much and I just want to take all of this hurt, confusion
and anger away for him. I know life is hard and I can’t make it all about
rainbows all the time. But at the age of 7, being an Autistic child, struggling
in this cruel world I wish I could make it all about rainbows for him.
