A Day of Panic

Oh what a day of emotions today was. I started the morning wrestling Cameron to get dressed for school because that is our typical mornings. He wakes up like he is shot out of a cannon, I try and get him to focus long enough to get dressed, eat breakfast and then hope that there is enough time left for him to have some play time before we leave for school. If he doesn't have at least five to ten minutes of play time it is not a pretty day for anyone involved. I should say if any of his morning routine is messed up, from the way his clothes are placed on his bed or the way his vitamins are put on his plate, then it will not be a good day for him or anyone around him and not because he is this horrible boy because he isn't at all. He just does not understand how to handle any type of change very well, so I try and keep his routine as usual as possible so he has a good day. 

So, once he was at school I headed back home to schedule a trip away, a girls weekend away to visit my best friend. I have been talking about this trip as long as she has been living in Nashville, which has been quite awhile. I usually talk myself out of it, not wanting to leave the kids or Bryan but this time I was so proud of myself I talked myself into it. It is something that I really want to do, something that Bryan has been telling me to do for a very long time now, so dang it I am going to do it! Well, I no sooner booked the trip that I had almost a complete internal panic attack. Leaving them is hard, I usually never leave the children more than one night and that is usually with Bryan and we typically do not go anywhere more than an hour away and I am on my phone texting my mom nonstop to check on the kids. Now, I know I sound like a crazy mother who needs to learn to let go of her children a little bit but let me explain. As I said earlier Cameron doesn't deal with change easily and me leaving is a big change for him. So I know it will be hard for him and I know when it gets hard for him that is when the meltdowns occur. Since he doesn't understand or know how to express his feelings, he melts down. I feel the guilt of leaving this all on Bryan. My husband works very hard and is an amazing father, so there is not a doubt in my mind that he can handle it. But, I feel bad that he will have to handle it all alone. Then I worry what if Cameron really hurts himself during one of these meltdowns? Now that he has mastered not only punching and kicking the walls and doors but now he is also pounding his head so hard on the wall that I am afraid he is going to crack his skull open, who knows when we will be rushing him to the ER. So, I was pretty much in panic mode all day inside. Yes, I am looking forward to some time away, but in that same breath I will worry, panic, well you name it and I am going to do it until I am back from my trip.

Then I scheduled Cameron's appointment with a neurologist today. Since he has been having such severe meltdowns and hurting himself we want to make sure there isn't something else we are missing. So, now not only am I worrying about my trip but also this appointment. Fortunately they are getting us in quickly, we go next Wed. But I will worry until then. How will Cameron like a new doctor? What will the doctor say? Will they want to do an MRI or EEG? If so how is he going to handle all of that? Not well I am sure, he will be scared but he won't understand that he is scared so he will panic and I don't have the magic wand that I so wish I did to help him understand all of this. So if I get any sleep between now and next Wed it will be very little. I sit up and worry every night as it is about him and about Peyton. I worry how he is going to handle this life, the many struggles he is going to face and the people he is going to encounter. He doesn't understand so much of it now and it's only going to get harder for him as he gets older. I worry that I am not giving Peyton all I can because being there for Cameron is a full time job in itself. I do the best I can but there is always....always things I can do better.

So today I celebrate that Cameron had an amazing day! Today, I am thankful that I was able to hold it together through all of my panic and worrying.  Tomorrow is Friday...and as a friend of mine said the other day, even stay at home moms are thankful for Fridays! In our house it means celebrating getting through another week, usually heading to Houligan's for wings because we all LOVE their wings (or as Cameron calls it, I want the Teriyaki chicken and bones please) and then home for family movie night. It is a night that all of us look forward to.

Today was a good day....

Today was a good day in pretty much every aspect. Which after the past few days I am BEYOND thankful for! Though when Cameron first woke up and was Mr. Grouch I was afraid today was going to be very bad. So, in the slight chance ok much more than slight, big, HUGE chance it wasn't a good day Peyton and I made sure our morning was great. She worries about him just as much as Bryan and I do and when he has bad days, so does she. She knows that when the melt downs are going on it means life stands still and though they don't scare her as much as they use to, you can see in her little eyes that she still doesn't understand them and it still worries her.  I really should have stayed home and cleaned the house and just had her play inside because to be honest my house looks like a bomb went off in it. The toy room has toys all over, there are clothes that could be folded and a kitchen and bathroom that could use some TLC but this has been a rough week so far and to be honest after Cameron goes to bed I have no energy physically or emotionally to clean. But instead of cleaning I thought Peyton deserved some time of fun so, we went to story time (which she loves) and the to Chick-Fil-A for lunch(her favorite restaurant of all time). So when we got in the car to pick up Cameron from school my stomach started to get into knots and the panic and stress started to play with me.  BUT, as soon as he came running out of the door with a huge smile on his face I knew my worries for that second were over.  Then he yells "mommy, I listened all day, stayed dry all day and even went poops all by myself!" Now I am smiling and laughing because he is just so proud of himself and I am beyond proud too. The other parents are staring at him and I like we have ten heads each. I know they are thinking "Why is he yelling this AND he's in first grade?" Well to the parents who were staring it's because my little man still has accidents and still has a hard time when he goes "poops" anywhere but at home, so we celebrate when there are dry days and when there are "poops" with no issues! Then I looked in his folder and saw a paper that said "CONGRATULATIONS! Your art work has been chosen to be displayed. We will notify you if it also displayed outside of the school" So, we have something else to celebrate! My little guys artwork has been chosen to be displayed! I don't care if it is displayed just in the hallway at school, the fact that it was chosen is huge! Of course Cameron wasn't as excited because he doesn't understand why he can't bring his artwork home. "Mommy you always displace (aka display) my artwork on the fridge. You can't do that if THEY keep it" Explaining it to him wasn't an easy process, but we made it through without any arguments or melt downs so for me it was a complete success.
After all of this excitement at the school we headed home to play outside. Now mind you I wasn't very excited about this since on Monday the playing outside ended with me chasing him around the yard and the neighbors yard while he was screaming and crying for all of our neighbors to see. BUT, I was hopeful that since we had such a good day at school today was going to be different. We headed outside with Shamu, baby dino and our owl puppet to ride his bike while Peyton brought a baby doll and they played and played...and played. No fits, no arguments, just happy, smiling playing! These are the days that we celebrate and we look forward to. These are the days that we think of when there are 3 hour meltdowns, things being thrown, yelling and screaming going on...these are the days that most people are use to but that we don't ever take for granted.

This is our life

Is it odd that Bryan and I are finally coming to terms with the way certain aspects in our life must be? You are reading this going what the heck are you talking about?! Let me explain...or try to. We get invites for parties that are kid friendly from time to time and we usually go and then don't enjoy our time at all because we are stressed the entire time waiting for Cameron to have a melt down because he is overstimulated or since he is so socially immature (yes he is 6 but on an emotional and mature level he is about 3) I wait for the child who decides to come up and tell me everything that Cameron is doing wrong and how he's not playing the same way everyone else is or better yet I hear him yelling at one of the children for not listening to him and playing the way he wants or in his mind "the right way". So while everyone else is enjoying themselves, relaxing and letting their children play, Bryan and I are sitting there looking like we hate the world because we are a big ball of stress and tension. There are times that we decline these events and when I decline them to the invitee I make up some excuse because I don't want to say the real reason. I don't want to have to explain what I just did above to them because in reality I would probably get the blank stare, because the other person doesn't understand our world. They have the neurotypical child that for the most part can handle any situation with ease and they don't have to worry about these same issues. We have tried to make Cameron fit in and go to these places and then stress about him, have him full of stress and honestly what are we  stressing about? We are stressing and worrying about him being himself. Is that fair to him? Not at all! Why should we stress about him being himself? He is a wonderful, funny, caring, smart and loveable little boy. He may not fit into others "normal" but he is our normal. He is a boy who does better in his own home, his safe zone. He is a little boy that has Autism and after running from it in so many ways....we've decided to finally accept our life after over 2 years since his diagnosis, 2 years since hearing what we already knew in our hearts but finally got affirmation. So, as we have been in his advocate in so many ways during the past 2 years we have also been running from his diagnosis in other aspects. From here on out no more forcing him to go to these events and stress. We will enjoy the things and places in life we can go and if we can't go we will no longer make excuses....this is our life and we wouldn't change it for anything!

0 to Meltdown.....

So today was a good day...well that is until I picked Cameron up from school and he got in the car. He decided he was in a bad mood and everyone was going to know it.  It started with him being upset with Peyton for having her toy near his car seat...yes something that small but the fact that it was out of place did not set well with him.  Then when we got home it was time to play outside, which seemed like a good idea for the first few minutes.  Then all hell broke lose and the meltdown began...right out front for all of our neighbors to see.  Why did it start you ask? Well because I had asked him to come to me without yelling at me or Peyton for just a second and then it started...the meltdown that is.  Screaming, crying, running...the running was the worst part.  I had to chase him around our front yard while the crying and screaming was going on because when he panics he runs. So he ran and ran and once I finally caught him he kicked and pushed at me still screaming bloody murder and crying.  But when he gets like this it's like Cameron has gone and someone else has entered his body.  There is no reasoning with him, no calming him down, no talking to him, nothing works.  Just have to let it happen and let it happen I did.  2 hours later the meltdown finally came to an end.  During the meltdown there was banging of his head against the wall, kicking and punching the wall, doors, bed and lots of screaming how much he hates me, hates life, how unfair life is, etc. You get the picture I am sure.  How did I know this meltdown was finally coming to an end...he finally picked himself up out of his room and came screaming for me and fell on the couch. When he screams for me and not at me I know the meltdown is ending and Cameron is coming back to me. It means that the rage in him is coming down and that I will have a very sweaty, tear filled hugging session with my son not the other person inside him.  I will say today was the scariest one I have dealt with in awhile, the banging of the head against the wall is new and scary.  Guess that is something I will talk to his speech therapist about tomorrow. So, after the two hours of meltdown and hugs Cameron turns to me and says "mommy, I'm hungry can I have a snack?" As if nothing had just happened.  This isn't new either, usually after a meltdown I either get an hour of I'm sorry's for whatever he did wrong leading up to the meltdown or it goes back to the "normal" of what our life is. He usually doesn't remember most of what he said or did, which breaks my heart because I know he can't control any of this and I can't imagine how that must feel. So, a snack is what we had...in fact we baked the snack. We baked his favorite fudge brownies and he was back.  Peyton was happy to have him help bake some brownies because she is beginning to learn that his meltdowns are a part of him and they are starting to not scare her as much. So when he's done with them she knows her brother is back and ready to play.  What an afternoon we had...wonder what bed time will bring?

Getting back to writing....

So I haven't written in almost 2 years...why you ask because I have been going through the motions of life but at the same time living in denial.  I have been an advocate for my son but at the same time have been spiraling downwards inside because I have not talked about all of the issues he's been going through, the melt downs, the outbursts, the struggles. Why you ask? Well because certain people think it's not right to talk about them, you should keep everything quiet. You shouldn't share the struggles, heck sometimes they believe you should even keep quiet on the achievements.  But, that is not who I am.  I am a person who likes to share everything, whether it's good or bad. This is a life that I live, that my son lives and it is something to be proud of no matter what.  Thanks to a friend and her amazing writing and sharing of her two sons lives with Autism, she unknowingly helped me realize that it's ok to share our journeys with our children and that it may even help someone not feel so alone.  So, I am back to writing...I may not be a great writer but I am ready to start sharing Cameron's journey with Autism.