SO PROUD!

Over the past few days I have been busy helping in different ways at Cam’s school for all of the end of the year celebrations and out of nowhere it hit me hard today that I will soon have a second grader in the house. Now, most will say it’s just second grade. But it’s the fact that he is growing up, moving forward and making such huge progress. When I look back at where we started at the beginning of first grade and I see all of the progress he has made socially and academically my eyes fill with tears of pride. At the beginning of the year he had no friends, he had meltdowns more than he didn’t, he yelled out all the time and he hated being at school. I cried every night because I wanted to make it better for him and I wanted his life to be easier. Some days I can honestly say I do not like Autism and the struggles that I watch Cam and all of our children on the spectrum go through and at the beginning of the school year I REALLY did not like it at all! I didn’t feel it was fair that my child has so many more struggles. (I still don’t feel it’s fair…)

But today as I was dropping him off to class I stood there and watched him talking to the other children in the class, something that he never did in the beginning of the school year. I stood there with pride as he was talking to them about what they were holding and asking them questions and showing interest. Things like this do not come easy for him, but he was doing them. Then I talked to his teacher about how far she thought he had come this year and how she believes he is very ready for the second grade. Academically I was never too worried, he’s a very smart kiddo. (Yes, I realize I am biased because I am his very proud mom…but his teachers also believe this too.) But socially from the beginning of the school year I was very concerned. I was crying and having anxiety on whether or not he was going to be ready for second grade. Recently though it’s like the stars aligned and things started coming together for him. His meltdowns at school are far and few between. His calling out isn’t nearly as bad as it was AND he’s making friends!

He still has a long way to go with certain areas, but today I am not looking at any of that. Today I am celebrating how far he has come and how proud of him I am. I am celebrating that I will soon have an incredible second grader in my house and that we have a fun filled summer break to enjoy and play dates to have with some of HIS friends! As I sit here and cry with pride I am celebrating that we made it as a family through this year, the ups and downs…we all made it. I am celebrating and beyond thankful that he has had two incredible teachers who never gave up on him, who fought for him and who TRULY believe in him. I am thankful that he is making friends and that these friends are accepting him for him. Cam is one awesome kiddo and I am beyond proud of how far he has come this school year! 

He's just a boy...

“My son has Asperger’s.” That is a sentence I usually start with when discussing Cam to pretty much anyone. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t say “hi, my name is …. And my son Cam has Asperger’s.” But I have always felt like I needed to be up front and honest about it. I have always felt like saying it would help them understand him…that is until recently. Now I have started to observe that it causes some people to treat him differently and not in a good way. Now, I am sure this has been the case for awhile and maybe I just wasn't "seeing it" because I was still so overwhelmed with other issues we had going on. And it's not like they're bullying or not accepting him, but just differently. Ok, now you’re like what the heck are you talking about? So let me try to explain. Cam is a 6 ½ year old boy who just happens to have Asperger’s. He is not an Asperger’s boy who just happens to be named Cam that is 6 ½. Have I completely lost you yet?

Cam can play rough sometimes. But don’t most 6 ½ year old boys play rough? If my husband or I tell him to stop he does…so why is it that people only remember Cam playing rough and not other children? Cam can yell loudly when playing sometimes. But again, don’t most 6 ½ year old boys do that? And again, he listens when told to stop. I have observed parents of other children though watch Cam closer when he’s playing with their children than they do when their children are playing with others. I see them jump quicker if Cam plays too rough or yells too loud. I observe them talking to Cam like he’s a young toddler instead of like he’s a 6 ½ year old boy. Which got me to start thinking, have I done this to him? Have I caused these people to act like this and treat him differently because I have shared with them about his Asperger’s? Am I being too pro-active by trying to be his advocate so much that I have now done the opposite…instead of help him I have hindered him? Have I pointed out his differences so much and not showed you how he really is just a little boy?

My husband and I don’t treat him any differently than we do our “neurotypical” daughter. They both get in trouble for the same things. They are both expected to have the same manners and do the same type of chores. We do the same things with both of them when it comes to activities. We have never looked at him any different…Asperger’s is a part of him…but it doesn’t define him. He is a little boy who loves animals, swimming, playing with his friends and sister. He has a ton of energy…but he’s a 6 ½ year old little boy. What boy his age doesn’t have a ton of energy? Does he have meltdowns sometimes? Yep, he sure does. Does he sometimes say things that are inappropriate? Yep, he sure does. But if I didn’t tell you he had Asperger’s would you give him the same “I can’t believe he just did that” look? No, you wouldn’t, because you would either laugh because you would think it’s cute and funny or you would just think I can’t believe he just said that but he is young so he still has time to learn. Can he be socially awkward sometimes? Again, yep he sure can. But he’s just doing what everyone including adults do, which is just trying to find his way in this world. He wants to fit in and he wants to have friends. Is that really any different from what a “neurotypical” child does?

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that Cam has some silly quirks and he has some different struggles because of his Asperger’s. However, I won’t let it define him and I won’t let it be all that people see. I won’t allow people to treat him differently because of it. He is a 6 ½ year old little boy…a little boy who will change this world. Isn’t that what we all believe of our children? It’s what I think we should ALL believe of them. Just because he has a diagnosis doesn’t mean he should be treated differently. Maybe it is my fault that he has been treated or looked at differently. Maybe I shouldn’t be so vocal and tell people right away about his Asperger’s? If that is the case then it is my job to change it. I don’t want parents watching him closer or treating him differently. I want him to be able to play without eyes glaring and people ready to pounce if they even think he’s going to do something wrong. He’s an amazing child and that’s what I want everyone to see.

Happy Anniversary

Today my husband and I celebrate six years of marriage. From the beginning we started things off backwards. We had Cam before we got married. As you can imagine that really upset some people. We of course had talked about marriage and children and knew that one day both would happen for us, we just didn’t realize so soon on the children front. But, Cam was NEVER an “oops”, he was the best surprise that has ever happened to either one of us. We hit hurdles together right away after Cam was born. We weren’t married, so relatives were upset about that, they didn’t fully accept our relationship because we did do things backwards, so needless to say from the beginning we have dealt with so many different hurdles. We thought once we got married some of these issues would get better…easier…needless to say we were very wrong.

Our marriage has dealt with and continues to deal with relatives issues, Cam’s Autism diagnosis, Cam's therapies, issues and melt downs, our daughter almost dying the day she was born, a Cancer diagnosis to one of our relatives, job and financial struggles, my own Cancer scare, you name it and it seems that it has been thrown at us. The struggles have at times appeared too much for any relationship to endure, but at the end of the day we made our vows and we took them seriously. Marriage is never easy, but it is worth it. It is worth being married to my best friend who loves me no matter what. It is worth spending my life fighting the fights with him because together we make an amazing team. I could not imagine enduring any of this with anyone else.

My husband doesn’t see the same person I do when I look at him. I see an incredible man who has defied so many odds in his life. I see a man who others doubt and they should be ashamed of themselves for doubting. I see a man who loves his children more than anything in this world and they adore him right back. I see a man who makes me laugh when all I feel like doing is crying. I see a man who knows just what to say when I am feeling down or like a complete failure to lift my spirits. I see a man who works so hard and tirelessly for his family. I see a man that even when I am at my worst loves me anyways. He doesn’t see all of this in himself, but I do.

Our marriage may have started off backwards in some people’s eyes, but to us it was the best way we could have ever started our family. 6 years later we have defied many odds, been down many roads that we wished we would never have to travel, cried and laughed together and have two amazing kiddos. Today we sat and played board games and laughed with both of our kiddos. Today we smiled because together we have made it through all of this and we smile even bigger because we know that no matter what, we have each other and we have these two amazing children and though our road isn’t easy, together we will make it through anything. 6 years have come and gone, but our love, our trust, our bond has grown stronger than I ever imagined possible. 

My Hurt

Tonight’s post has nothing to do with Cam and his Autism.  He actually had a great day and for that I celebrate. But, here is where I vent...so here's my venting. I’m feeling very hurt right now.I would say that this hurt is typical from the people who did it, but tonight it hit a new low. Just when I think these people can’t hurt me any more than they already have, they prove me wrong. It is sad how people, especially relatives can hurt you so deep and not even care. It completely baffles me to be honest with you. These people act as though they do nothing wrong and yet they continue to hurt me and my family…and not even blink an eye.

I have talked about how these relatives have and continue to, hurt Cam. But the truth is he is not the only one..my husband and I are also ones that they continue to hurt. Now, as you may have learned I speak my mind…whether that is a good or bad trait…it is who I am. My father taught me that you might not always make people happy with what is on your mind, but it always better to tell them. He and I may have our issues, but it is a trait that I am glad I learned from him. But, in the same breath that trait has caused a lot of hurt in my life. Speaking your mind and the truth usually isn’t what people want to hear. They would prefer to hear what they want to hear, rather than what the truth is.

What’s funny with these relatives that continue to hurt me is that I have been the one to try and do all I can for them but many times it was without wanting to receive any recognition so I didn’t point out what I had done. I always tried to go above and beyond for them. I have tried with everything I have to make it the relationships that I always prayed it would be when my husband and I got married and especially when we had our children. Everything I did...I did out of love….nothing else. I have tried at times to be the person that I thought they would like, but even then it wasn’t good enough. That’s when I realized that I would never be good enough and I had to learn to be ok with that. They find wrongs in others but never look in their own mirrors to see the wrongs they do to others. I tried to be ok with that until it started really affecting my family. That’s when I started to really take the advice my father had given me. I was tired of trying to push everything under the rug. I was tired of putting on a happy face just to make them look good and yet it was all lies. If you’re going to continue to hurt me and make me the bad guy, I might as well start standing up for what I believe in and speaking about the hurt that you cause not just me, but my husband and my children.

Now don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t always been bad with these relatives, but it has never been great either. It is the worst it has ever been right now and I don’t foresee that changing any time soon. What they pulled tonight hurt deeper than anyone can probably ever imagine and it’s a hurt that won’t just go away. When my son asked why these people didn’t love him as much as they do two others (and I wish I could say it was the first time he has asked…but it’s not), that cut me very  deep for him. Tonight they cut me deep….for me. I wish these relatives would realize that their actions can’t be taken away and when they look at why problems are going on it may just be because of their actions…..not mine…not my husbands or my children…but in fact theirs.

Believe me, I look in the mirror every day and I know I make mistakes ALL of the time. I do not sit here on a pedestal throwing stones at glass houses. However, I admit my mistakes and I try to learn from them every day. I am FAR from perfect, but I also know that I am honest, I know that I have a huge heart and would do pretty much anything for anyone, I fight for what I believe in and I know that I do not deserve this hurt that I continue to receive. Tonight I am very hurt and very sad…..

I'm not there yet.....

Today is what I am hoping and praying is the last step before having our IEP meeting for Cam. I had a meeting with the social worker and went through all of Cam’s issues. For over an hour I sat there as she asked questions and I listened to myself go through all of his issues, his weaknesses, you name it…if it was bad we went over it. The entire time I fought back my tears. We talked about when Cam was diagnosed and when she said, “Your son is Autistic” it hit me so hard. After she left I cried and felt so awful for having to discuss all of the bad things about Cam. I had a rough day the rest of the day, just felt horrible.

Luckily for me I am blessed with an amazing friend…one who knows just when to ask me to go for a walk or just to talk. And tonight was no different. So as we’re walking and talking about my meeting and some other issues I am dealing with right now, she asked me a question that hit me hard….but one that I needed to be asked. “Do you think YOU have really come to terms with Cam’s Autism?” Wow, I haven’t thought about it…but have I? The answer is no, if I am completely honest I really haven’t. I am still struggling when I say Autism and Cam in the same sentence. I am still struggling with the fact of the things he can’t do and may never be able to do. I try and act like I have come to terms with it, but it is just that…an act. I still cry daily when I take myself back to that day of his diagnosis and when I think of all of the struggles we go through daily with him. The therapies, the fights for an IEP, the medicines, the fights with relatives and friends over understanding him….I still cry every day over all of this. I cry because I love him so much and I so wish he didn’t have these struggles and these people in his life who don’t understand him. I cry because I blame myself every second of every day that he goes through all of this. As a mom I should be able to take all of this pain away for him….as his mom I want so badly to be able to take it all away.

After answering her honestly I felt awful. How can it be that I have not come to terms with it? It will be three years in September since his diagnosis and I’m still not ok with it. What kind of mother am I? But then she slapped me (verbally of course) back into reality and reminded me that everyone comes to term with things in their own time and at least I am trying. The reality is I am trying to come to terms with Cam’s diagnosis and all that comes with it. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that some of the dreams I had for him when he was born may not come true, but deep down I know there will be dreams far greater than I could have ever imagined for him that will come true. I just have to some days dig much deeper to remind myself of that.

But, here it is…I am not there yet. But, I will tell you that even though I am not there yet it won’t stop me from fighting every battle I can for him to have the best life possible. It will not stop me from fighting the relatives and friends who don’t accept him. It will not stop me from believing that he will live the most amazing life possible. It will not stop me from ever loving him with everything I have. I am not there yet…but together, with him teaching me about life more than I can ever teach him…I will get there. 

Happy Mother's Day

I have been a little down lately and really throwing myself a pity party. The daily struggles sometimes become very overwhelming and though I promise myself not to allow issues or people to bring me down I have failed with that miserably recently. Today Cam completely helped me get out of my funk and reminded me of what is really important....which is him, Peyton and daddy.

This morning was “morning with mom” at his school. Basically it is a little breakfast in the cafeteria to celebrate Mother’s day and Cam was so excited about it being just he and I. Last night we talked about what they were going to have for breakfast and he said “mommy I don’t like the donuts they’re going to have, can we go to Dunkin’ Donuts and bring our own?” How could I say no? He was so excited about our morning and of course so was I. So this morning we both woke up extra early and headed to Dunkin’ Donuts. We went inside to pick out which ones he wanted and half way up to the counter he freezes and looks at me and says, “mommy, look they have heart shaped ones just for mommy’s! Can I buy you one?” Completely melted my heart. He thought about me, he didn’t need anyone to tell him what to say, he did it all on his own. HUGE step for my little man! So when we got to the counter he tells the young lady working “I would like to buy my mommy that heart donut please. It’s our special breakfast at my school and my mommy is my date.” Seriously kiddo, you are winning huge brownie points here. So we ordered the donuts and off we headed to the school. He held my hand the entire way to the cafeteria, something that is big for him. He can be very cuddly sometimes, but it is always on his terms, which I have learned to be ok with and just enjoy when he is. We sit down and start to have breakfast together and he turns to me and says, “mommy, I love you and I think you are the best mommy in the world.” Tears (happy ones finally) start to come and he gets very worried…I could see it in his face. I tried to explain to him that I was crying happy tears but to him when someone cries it is always because they are sad. He said, “I think it’s kinda silly that you’re crying when you’re happy mommy. You’re supposed to just smile not cry.” Well kiddo your mommy is a complete emotional loon and she cries pretty easily. Those were thoughts in my head…no need to confuse him any more than I already had. We sat there together and laughed and played thumb wars. It was the perfect way to start the morning. There were no meltdowns, no arguing, nothing but laughs, smiles and happy tears. It was time to head to class and as I am walking with him to his class he says, “ya know mommy I wonder why God thought I was so special that he had wanted to give me Asperger’s.” Can we stop throwing mommy for these crazy loops kiddo, please?! So there at school we sit down on the bench in front of his classroom and talk about how special he is Asperger’s and all. This time though it was a really good talk. Not one I had planned on having at his school on a bench, but who cares…it was good. He hugged me good-bye with a huge smile on his face headed into class.

Pick up time came and he was once again happy. He and Peyton decided they wanted to wash my car as an early Mother’s day present. So as soon as we got home they put their bathing suits on and we headed outside to wash my car. We all laughed, I chased them around with the water hose, which they loved and we just had fun. An afternoon of just smiles, laughter and fun. Today was my Mother’s day because seeing Cam smile all day, hearing him laugh, watching he and Peyton playing in the water and giggling their little hearts out, having a talk with him that went better than I could have imagined and not one meltdown…for me it was the perfect day.

Today reminded me that though there are days that can and will get me down or days where I feel as though I will never win the fights I am up against for Cam…there are days like today that make all of that disappear.

Happy Mother’s day to all of you amazing mama’s out there! I hope all of you have the kind of day I had today because all of you deserve it! <3

Connecting the dots....

Ever since my encounter with Cam’s teacher it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for the both of us. I kept him home from school on Friday because I could just tell that he needed a relaxing day. He and Peyton played and played and he was smiling from ear to ear. It was a day he definitely needed. That night daddy got to go out for a much-deserved night with a friend, so the kiddos and I had pizza and movie night. Well over pizza Cam hit me with a question I wasn’t expecting. “Mommy, why would my classmates parents think it’s bad that I have Asperger’s? I thought you said it made me extra special.” Proof once again that when you think he isn’t listening….he is. This question hit me hard and I tried my best to make him understand that sometimes it is hard for others to understand people’s differences and that it doesn’t mean they don’t like him, it just means they need to learn to understand and accept people for who they are. Then he hits me with another one, ok I held in the tears for the last conversation….this one not so much. “Mommy, is my Asperger’s why x-relative and y-relative always do things with a and b relative and not me and Peyton? They always go on cruises and trips with them and do fun things with them, but not Peyton and me? Do they not love us as much because of my Asperger’s?” Yep and cue the tears streaming down from my eyes. After I took my break to the restroom to compose myself, I headed back to face this conversation. (And no, I didn’t let him see me cry I ran and said I would be right back.) We talked for a little while longer on how people make choices in their life and it has nothing to do with his Asperger’s. I tried my hardest to reassure him that he is amazing and that it is these other people’s loss to not spend time with or accept him and it is not his fault about Peyton either. He did say, “well I have you, daddy, Peyton, Mattie (that’s our dog) and Grandma Judy and you guys love me and my Asperger’s and you guys do fun things with me all the time.” Then he was done with the conversation and changed the subject back to his favorite obsession these days’…lizards. Cue tears again…seriously kiddo mommy is failing miserably at keeping it together for you tonight. I hope and pray he left that conversation feeling better. It is always so hard to tell. We laughed and enjoyed movie night and the night ended on a good note.

He’s starting more and more to realize his differences and he’s starting to realize people don’t accept or understand his differences. He’s starting to feel like people don’t even like his own sister because of his Asperger’s. He’s beginning to connect the dots and a part of me thinks this is a good thing, so we can start now to work through things he is keeping inside and help him understand them. But, the other part of me is crumbling inside because he has to go through all of this and he is only 6. Why should any child ever have to feel this way and ask these questions? Why does MY son have to feel this way? Why did his teacher say that and why did he have to hear it? Why do relatives make these choices and leave daddy and I to pick up the pieces and they do not even care? These are all questions that keep going through my head and heart.

He amazes me because in so many ways he is so much wiser than he should be, yet in other ways he is emotionally and socially at the age of a 3 or a 4 year old. How do I make him see the amazing child that I see every second of every day standing in front of me? I will continue to do all I can to make him see it and more importantly make him feel it in his heart. He hasn’t brought it up at all since then and he’s been having a couple of really good days, so I am trying my best to look at all of that positive. Some may choose not to accept him or understand him but I will be damned if any of those people will continue to lower his self - esteem. He has and will continue to have many struggles in life, many that those other parents, relatives or teachers will never understand nor could they ever live through these struggles, but I will not allow them to make him doubt himself or the how incredible he truly is. 

ANGRY!!

Today I am so angry and sad I can’t even see straight. Let me start with what happened yesterday at school with Cam and then will get to today that has me so upset. Yesterday at pick up Cam’s teacher informed me that out of nowhere when she asked Cam to stop talking in line he screamed out “I have Asperger’s and it makes it hard for me to like people!” Clearly this had nothing to do with what she asked him but it was a huge red flag to me that he is struggling internally. She then told me that his art teacher told her that he has said that to her a few times when he didn’t want to do something. Wish I would have known this when it happened instead of weeks or maybe months later but the point is now I know. So last night Cam and I had a long talk…well I talked while he looked down at the ground and pulled at his arm. The pulling at his arm is his “stimming” or he plays with his fingers in his mouth. But, either way he was listening. I told him that he can’t just scream it out, he can’t use it as an excuse to not do things in life and that if he had any questions he could always come to me. I tried my hardest to point out all of the wonderful aspects of him that comes because of his Asperger’s because that is what I want him to look at…not all of the struggles he faces every second of every day. He didn’t say much but asked if he could go play with his Legos. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head….I wish he knew how to share it all with me.

So fast-forward to drop off this morning. I told his teacher that I had a talk with him and I can tell he is struggling internally but I told him he couldn’t just scream it out. It is her response that upsets me so much. She informs me that she is worried that the little ears in the classroom will repeat to their parents that he has Asperger’s and it will cause problems. WHAT?! Then goes on to tell me that he already has problems with certain kids in the classroom and this could escalate the parent’s reactions and cause a lot of problems. My response was “their kid can’t catch it and these parents need to be educated!” Then I get told well parents can be cruel and we just don’t want it be an issue and we don’t want him talking about.

Ok, now I am angry and sad! I leave there in tears and screaming in my car. I am doing EVERYTHING I can to make sure Cam is comfortable in his own skin and proud of who he is! And now I am being told that they don’t want him talking about who he is because of other parent’s issues. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Why can’t we just educate these parents and explain to them about Cam. Educate them about how wonderful he is and yes he may have Asperger’s and it isn’t always pretty but he is still an incredible little boy whom their child would be lucky to have in their life as a friend. Why must he be quiet when he is struggling internally and this is his way of letting it out? You are telling me to tell my child not to be him and I am NOT ok with that…at all! So, let him struggle, let him spiral down because he can’t be him and he can’t let people know about him? He is struggling to understand himself and maybe talking about it or hell screaming it makes him feel better….but you’re telling me you don’t want that because of what other parents might think. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!?! I am so upset right now that I am sure most of this is not making sense. But, I just don’t understand how we as a society can make our children comfortable in their own skin if we are telling them to hide it because of what others may think. Why do children get bullied? Because the bullies are not taught to be kind to children who are different. So my child doesn’t fit in your perfect square, he is perfect to me and if you would open your eyes you would see that! What the hell is wrong with our world that a child can’t be different and it be ok?