He has a friend...

“Can I come over to your house to play with Cam?” Those are words I honestly have hoped for so long to hear but truly never thought I would. Not because I don’t think my son is absolutely amazing because I do. But because my son doesn’t know how to be a good friend, though in his own ways he tries so hard to be. He knows how to play what he wants to play and if you don’t want to play that game or with those toys he doesn’t understand how to handle it. He usually shuts down or cries because he takes it personal. His play dates in the past have always been because I have been friends with the moms and have scheduled them. They have always been what felt like a forced play date. Not that these children didn’t play with him because they always have, but if I and the other moms were honest with ourselves it wasn’t because the other children actually asked to play with Cam. They were never  because a child has actually asked to play with him…never been because a child actually wants to play with him. And I understand it all. Cam does not make it easy…he doesn’t make it easy to be his friend. He doesn’t understand friendship…yet.

BUT and here’s where the tears start flowing…I heard those words. A little boy from Cam’s class came up to me at parent pick up and asked if he could have Cam come over to play or if he could please come to our house to play with Cam. I tried not to act surprised and play it off like this always happens. But, I was in complete shock and can’t even begin to describe how happy I was. You should have seen Cam’s face all lit up with a smile from ear to ear and begging that I let it happen that very second. Of course I couldn’t let it happen that very second but I agreed with Cam that I wanted it to. I wanted that smile, that glow to stay on my sons face forever. So, I told the little boy that I would talk to his mom and we would make it happen. We walked to the car and Cam was so excited and I was thankful to have sunglasses on because the tears were flowing. MY son….MY world…has a friend! The things that most parents take for granted….this is one of them. As a mom to a child with Autism this is a day that I never thought would happen.

I watched the next day at pick up as Cam scrambled to get his folder and things ready to go home in the classroom and this little boy…this friend of Cam’s stayed and helped him gather everything. More tears…thank goodness for sunglasses! They walked out together and said bye to each other and the little boy reminded me that he still really wanted to play with Cam. Seriously…I wasn’t dreaming! This is a reality for my son! That same day I received a message from this little boys mom telling me that her son was talking and begging to play with Cam. Really! I know I sound like I am so shocked that someone wants to play with Cam but I promise you I know how AMAZING my son. But as I have said I also know he doesn’t make it easy to be his friend. So, we have scheduled the play date for this weekend and both boys are so excited. They are already planning what they are going to do while he is at our house playing. I have to admit, I rearranged Cam’s room to make it more special for Cam and I have already planned in my head some snacks and to order pizza. I know how special this is for Cam, so I want to make it as great of a time as I can.

I am not sure who is more excited for Cam…him or me. But, I can tell you that this is a huge step for him. One that I am so proud of! We have waited what feels like forever for this day to come. My son is in second grade and he has a friend. Wow….that sentence brings so much pride to my heart. 

Work In Progress

Over the Summer I did a lot of soul searching. This past year has been a very rough one for me when it comes to certain friends and family members. By family my character and parenting has been attacked and by friends my attitude has been questioned. So I decided I didn’t want to be “that” person who said it was always everyone else’s fault….it can’t ALWAYS be someone else’s fault. I deal with family members who always put the blame on everyone else because it is easier than them looking in the mirror and seeing that they make mistakes…I do NOT want to be like them. So, I stepped back away from most of my friends, stayed to myself with my kiddos and did a lot of thinking. 3 months of Summer gives a person a lot of thinking time…even with two crazy kiddos running around. What did I come up with? I came up with that I have changed a lot since becoming a special needs mom and some of it is for the better and some of it….well though hard to admit to myself let alone anyone who reads this…but some of it was definitely not for the better. I learned that I needed to realize not everyone will understand my journey with Cam and that it has to be ok…I have to allow it to be ok. I need to remind myself that as long as they want to be on this journey then that is really all that matters. I learned that I have to remember even though I have to fight fights every day for my son, whether it be with schools, insurance companies, bullies, family, etc to handle him better, help him better, be there for him better…that not everyone do I have to fight the fight with. Now, I am sure to some of you that makes no sense at all but to me it was like a shining light went off. I had closed myself off to a lot of my friends because I forgot to shut off the fighter hat around them and put back on my friend hat. I am so used to fighting for what is right for Cam, for what he needs and deserves that I became this angry person inside and I wasn’t just hiding it inside any more….I was projecting it for the whole world to see and it wasn’t pretty.

How can I walk this journey alone? I can’t. I need friends in my life...I want friends in my life. But, why would they want to be in my life if all I do is push them away? Is it their fault my son is Autistic? Are they the ones bullying him? Are they the family members not treating him right? The answer to these questions and many others was no. Yet, I still pushed them away. I still found reasons why we shouldn’t be friends. I had become the bitter, angry person that I said I never wanted to be. When I finally stepped back and looked in my mirror my reflection wasn’t pretty and it definitely was not the one that I wanted to see. I once had a friend tell me that I put up walls and she was right. I do. But, as a special needs mom you feel like you are fighting so much for your child that you forget when to stop. I felt that no one understood my journey and if they didn’t understand then they couldn’t possibly be in my life. I was allowing Cam’s diagnosis and the fights that I was and always will be fighting to completely take over my life and put up walls all around me. These walls were so big that I was having a hard time seeing over them to the outside world.

I learned that yes, I am a special needs mom. But, I am also so much more. I am not perfect. But, I am a good person. I am learning to slowly tear the walls down. Not everyone who was around before is around now and though I am sorry for that I am learning to be ok with that. I am learning to stop fighting every fight and more importantly to stop fighting fights that don’t need to be fought. I am learning to be a better friend, better mom, better wife….a better person. I am learning that though life with Cam has a lot of bumps in the road that a lot of people will never be able to understand, that as long as they’re willing to ride the ride with me and be there for me I should count my blessings. I am a complete work in progress…however, I am starting to see the sun through the bricks in my walls so that must mean I am slowly making positive progress. 

Good Enough

“My son made the honor roll.” “Yeah, that’s great….my son made straight A’s.” “My daughter did her first back handspring today.” “Oh that’s nice…my daughter has done those for years.” Do either of these conversations sound familiar? Maybe not these exact ones, but similar. Times where you are being a proud parent and then another parent feels the need to make sure their child does something just one step better than yours. I feel like our society is in a constant “one upping” battle. I would say it is just us moms, but I have overheard dads being guilty of the same scenarios. “My son scored a touchdown today.” “Nice man….my son scored 5, one being the winning one for the game.” Instead of just saying, “that is awesome. You must be so proud.” Our first instinct is to say our child has done it and not only did they do it, but they’ve done it better. We are so worried that maybe they will think their child is better than ours or maybe they in fact are a better parent than us because their child is doing something better or faster than ours.

I went to a birthday party once that there was a face painter, train ride, bounce house AND petting zoo. Seriously, for a kids second birthday! What is the third birthday or shoot even wedding going to look like? I overheard the mom asking everyone what they thought and did they think it was the best party they had ever been to. So, was the party for the child or was it for the other moms? We are so worried about being “the best” that I think we forget to uplift each other and just be “good enough”. Keeping up with Joneses these days is getting harder and harder and let’s be honest more and more expensive. Not just money wise, but it is also costing friendships, causing self-esteem issues and if we’re even more completely honest we’re most likely not enjoying the work of keeping up with the Joneses. I mean is it not exhausting trying to have a better party, better clothes or what seems most important….having to make sure your kid is better than everyone else’s?

Instead why can’t we be happy being “good enough”? Why can’t we be happy with our children being “good enough”? Let’s be honest, our children see or hear us trying to compete and they will feed off of it. Either by trying to be better than each other and then if they’re not meeting or beating those high expectations, they will most likely have very low self-esteem or some will become bullies because they are so used to hearing their parents say how wonderfully perfect they are at everything that they will start to forget being “good enough” is better than thinking you’re perfect and better than others. As adults we will probably have better, more supportive and more genuine friendships if we stop trying to top each other and stop trying to have our children top each other. If we slow down and really appreciate what our children are good at, what others children are good at and what each of us are good at; I think our lives would feel more meaningful.

If your child does something BRAG about it and if a friend is bragging to you about their child…listen, congratulate and don’t try to think of what your child did to compare or compete. I personally am a complete bragging mama and I am sure it annoys some, but that is what I am and I am proud of it. But, I also love to hear about what my friends or their kiddos are doing and succeeding at. I have lost friendships because I can’t keep up with the Joneses or because my kiddos are “good enough” and not perfect. But in reality were they true friends? Lets stop trying to keep up with the Joneses and start motivating, cheering and loving each other more.