I Don't Want It!

Today was report card day. Which typically with Cam is no big deal. He always does great academically, so when the report card comes I usually don’t worry. Well, that changed today. He is still doing pretty well academically but I did find out he is struggling in a couple of subjects that I did not realize he was. But then the other side of the report card for behaviors was basically saying he is awful. It broke my heart, it shocked both my husband and I and it hit us both like a ton of bricks. I usually don’t go over each one with Cam as like I said before he has never had a huge issue. Issues yes, but nothing like this. So, today we went over each one with him. This is where the day took a completely horrible turn. My sweet 7 year old sat there crying his eyes out and screamed “I am just a loser!” Want to talk about hitting a mom in the heart. I stopped going over anything and tried to tell him how very much I love him and how amazing he is. I tried to tell him that together we will work on all of these things because his dad and I know that certain things are harder for him than they are for others. Well, I guess I said the wrong thing because right then he ran off screaming, crying and slammed his bedroom door. This is usually what he will do when he is upset and I know he just needs to get it out. But this time was different. This time we heard him screaming, “I hate my Asperger’s! I don’t want this life with Asperger’s! It isn’t fair to me! Asperger’s makes me stupid! Asperger’s makes me a loser! I want my Asperger’s to go away forever!” And there I stood by his door with tears streaming down my face. I could barely breath because hearing those words took every breath right out of me. My husband knew there was no way I could talk to Cam at this point so he did. He went in and just held Cam and told him how very much we both love him and how Asperger’s doesn’t make him any of these horrible things. I was finally able to compose myself (way to hold it together…I know) and then it was my turn to just hold him and hug him. As I am hugging him trying myself to remind him how incredible he is, how very loved he is, he says “I can’t be any of these good things because my Asperger’s makes me horrible and God must hate me because he gave it to me.” Tears for all three of us start flowing and I just held him. As my husband and I sit there with him, all we could do was tell him how much we love him.

I question God a lot on why our children on the spectrum have the struggles they do. So, I can completely understand my Autistic son questioning him to. I watch my son struggle daily and cry for him more than once a day because of these struggles. He tries so hard to be like other children but he never will be and he knows it. I watch as other children make fun of him for his differences and it kills me inside. Yes, I usually try to be super positive about Autism but there are many days…days like today where I hate that my son has it. I hate that any child has it. To hear my son scream those words, to see his struggles, I hate that part of it. Of course I love him…all of him. I just hate that his life isn’t as carefree as other children’s lives are. I hate that his life will never be that carefree. I listen to parents of neurotypical children and I want their problems because compared to Cam’s they are so easy. They for the most part will live a very normal life…one that my son wishes he could have.

By the end of our hour-long hugging session, I want to believe Cam was feeling a little bit better. His sister who is absolutely amazing and at the age of 4 has a heart most adults should have came out of her room and said, “I love you more than anything in the world and I love your Asperger’s.” She has no idea what Asperger’s is, but she understands enough to know it is something that makes things in life harder for her brother. They played and I heard the two of them laughing and playing together as I sat on the couch crying. I want so badly to make his life easier. I want more than anything to take away his pain. Tomorrow will be better….not easier but better.