I Want to Run Away....

Cam stayed home today after a night of no sleep. He was up literally all night and when I asked him what was wrong he just told me he wasn’t tired. I figured sending him to school would end in disaster so decided to avoid that disaster. He was all out of sorts with me all day but I didn’t push him as to what was wrong because I had a feeling I already knew.

His speech therapist came today and he was off with her also. But he said something to her that helped me to realize that I was right; it was because he is confused as to the news we shared with him about his great grandmother last night. After his therapist left he got upset with me about asking him to do something and ran off to his room. This is typical for him when he gets upset and I have learned to just leave him alone until he comes out and is ready to talk. So I started to vacuum when all of a sudden his sister walks up and says “I tried to give him a picture and he is crying and says he is going to run away because our family would be better if he did and because he’s weird because he has Asperger’s.” What?! Immediately I ran into Cam’s room to talk to him. He’s crying and he tells me that he wants to run away and leave our family because we would be a happier family without him. He continues to cry and tells me that he wants to go away forever because his Asperger’s makes him a freak. Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling. I tried to tell him all of the wonderful things about him because of his Asperger’s. I talk about his incredible knowledge of dinosaurs and animals, his memory, how smart he is and his ability to memorize movies and books. Then he starts to ask if his Grandma and Grandma and Pop Pop love him because he asked me “how could they love me when I’m a weirdo with Asperger’s?” I thought last nights conversation was the hardest one I was going to have with him for a while..that was until tonight. I tried with everything I have to reassure him that everyone in our family loves him, that everyone in our family would be beyond sad if he ever ran away or if anything ever happened to him. “Maybe they love others (he named certain family members) more because they don’t have Asperger’s.” “Maybe it would be easier for you and daddy to just have Peyton.” What have I done wrong that he feels this way? Why is he feeling this way? Where is all of this coming from?? I hugged him as tight as I could, tell him how very much we all love him and how amazing all of us knows he is. I didn’t want to let him go.

I am really at a loss tonight. I know he doesn’t understand all that is going on from our conversation last night and he must be having questions about that and now he is struggling about his Asperger’s. I sit here with my heart crushed for my son. He is seven years old and going through all of this inside and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. I want to have the magic to take all of this hurt away from him, I want my son to be able to have a normal life. Between all of the medical tests, social school struggles, the passing of his amazing great grandmother and just the struggles in his little life in general it isn't easy and I want so badly for it to be easy for him. He is SEVEN…he deserves it to be easy.