September 11, 2013

September 11, 2013 was probably one of the hardest days I have had in my life. On September 11, 2013 my nerves were completely shot, my emotional overload was at its peak…or so I thought. Cam had his sleep deprived EEG this day. The test went awful, as I knew it would. Cam hates when anyone touches his head, so imagine the thrill he had when a stranger was wanting to put wires all over his head after him only having 4 hours of sleep. You can only imagine the terror in my poor sons eyes and the tears and screams that filled the testing room. I told the tech that I knew he wasn’t going to fall asleep, but she said I was wrong. (Hello! I am his mother…I KNOW him a little better than you.) But, who am I to know my own son…right? So after the torture of putting on the wires, she put on what she called white noise, which in my opinion was just really bad screeching lullabies that made me sound like a good singer, and told Cam to close his eyes and go to sleep. He held my hand so tight I thought I lost circulation in my fingers at one point and there was no way he was going to go to sleep. She “the tech” came in about 20 minutes later and told me she couldn’t believe he didn’t fall asleep. Again…HELLO! He is 7, Autistic and ADHD in a strange room with an even stranger woman, with horrible “music”…how could he fall asleep?! She then proceeds to tell me that this test gave us more questions and that means that there will be more tests to come. Insert me freaking out and crying inside and Cam freaking out in the room because he doesn’t want any more wires and tests. Thanks for scaring him lady…this will make the next tests soooo easy.

We drive home and the whole time Cam is zoning out watching Wild Kratts and I am crying. Thankfully for Wild Kratts Cam had no clue I was crying. More tests? More questions? When does it stop? Does it ever stop? My son deserves a break. Of course even after we got home he still did not fall asleep because he was wired and still a bit scared from the tests.

As my husband and I were talking about the tests and the more tests to come, he received a phone call from his mom. This is when the bad day that I was having…the pity party that I was having not only for Cam but for myself ended and a piece of my heart broke. The call was to tell him that his grandmother, my children’s great grandmother, a woman who will forever hold a huge special place in my heart passed away. I held it together as my husband prepared to go be with his family, but the second he left I dropped to my knees and completely lost it. He and I had just gone to see her the day before and I was able to kiss her head, whisper how much I love her as she slept and stare at her beautiful face. I was so blessed to have this woman in my life, my children loved her and were beyond blessed to be able to share so many years with their great grandmother. You think you are prepared for something like this…but you never truly are. How can you be really ready to lose such an incredible person?

We decided to not tell the children right away because we were both not emotionally ready to. We were just trying to wrap our head around all of Cam’s issues plus this loss. So tonight we decided it was time. We sat Cam and his sister down and told them. Telling them was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I could see the confusion in Cam’s eyes and his sister who is only 4 years old started to cry. To be honest I didn’t think she would understand, but she did more than I could have ever understood at her age. I let them ask questions and while his sister was crying and asking questions, Cam just sat there for a little while staring at me. Cam’s first question brought me back to reality with him and his emotional understanding. “Mommy, this is what sad feels like isn’t it?” It broke my heart into little pieces. He doesn’t understand these feelings and I wish I could fix that for him. We sat there and talked for a while about all of the good memories we had with her. You don’t realize what an impact a person has on your child….she had such a wonderful impact on them. We talked about heaven and how they believe she is with God now. Their questions were simply amazing to me. Then Cam said something that I will never forget…he looked at my husband and said “I will miss great grandma but I know her spirit is always with me.” I was completely in awe of my son at this moment. He then looked at me and said “mommy I don’t know how I know this but I just know.” We talked a little more about our times with her and how much we are all going to miss her but we know she is now a beautiful angel watching over us.

I wish I could express the emotions that I felt as I walked away from my conversation with them, but it left me in awe and speechless. What I do know is that my husband’s grandmother, my children’s great grandmother and the woman who will always have a piece of my heart will be greatly missed by us all. Cam’s sister wants to send her cookies in heaven because she said she knows she loves them and Cam wants to send her a picture he colors because he said she always loved it when he did that for her. These are beautiful memories or her that my children will always have and I am forever grateful for that. 

This blog post is dedicated to an incredible woman who is loved and missed so very much! We love and miss you great-grandma! <3