Disappointment....

Some days are harder than others in this Autism world. And today those words ring so true. We have been riding a pretty good ride lately on the Autism rollercoaster of life. The school change for Cam has been amazing. He is really making progress socially with working so hard to make friends, be a good friend, etc. He has a long way to go, but I could care less about that, he is trying and that is all that matters. His meltdowns are few and far between these days. And when he does have them they are not nearly as bad as they were a year ago. Then, to top it all off we received Cam’s report card and he got straight A’s! His old school didn’t give letter grades, I won’t ramble about how much I disliked the grading system there, but I will say it so nice to see actual letter grades. We have been celebrating for the past two days because we want Cam to see how very proud we are of him and we want him to realize how very proud of himself he should be.

Then today our rollercoaster that has been heading high into the sky came crashing down and fast. Cam has been doing Tae Kwon Do since January and he has been trying extremely hard to master the different techniques. We have been waiting for two weeks to find out if he was going to test for his yellow belt this coming Saturday. It is all Cam has been able to worry about and I mean his nerves have been on overdrive. He wants the yellow belt and in his eyes he should get it because he has never missed a class, has tried his hardest and does his best. But, today Cam found out he isn’t ready to test on Saturday and he is crushed. He left class in tears and shut down once we got into the car. I tried to talk to him but he said he didn’t want to talk about it. It completely broke my heart. I sat with tears streaming down my face driving him home, wishing I could just give him a hug and make it all better. His coordination is completely against him and I knew it. But I also knew he was trying the hardest he’s ever tried at a sport and I was hoping that would get him to the test. He hasn’t shut down like this in a long time. We headed out to dinner in hopes that, that would bring up his spirit a little but it didn’t. He sat there upset and still not wanting to talk about it. My heart was hurting for him.

My husband and I had been concerned for a little while that the pressures of school, socializing, therapies, other personal struggles and then adding the pressure of testing for yellow belt were a little too much for Cam. Tonight he went to bed not speaking about it…until I went to check on him. He was sitting up, picking at himself to make himself bleed. He hasn’t done this in forever. He used to do it all of the time when he was upset, anxious, nervous or sad because he didn’t and still doesn’t know how to express himself in words so he picks at himself and hurts himself. Tonight when I saw him doing it, I knew that though he wasn’t talking, that it was because of the stress and disappointment of not being able to test. I hugged him, told him how very much I loved him and how very proud of him I am and then he opened up. He said “It’s not fair! I try like the other boys but I just can’t do it like them!” Once he was able to get that out we talked about how upset he is and how he doesn’t feel like he fits in because the other kids who have been there a less time than him are already doing things better than him. His coordination has always been against him on any sport he has tried and Tae Kwon Do is no different. If anything his issues with coordination shine brighter in Tae Kwon Do. We talked about the stresses of school, homework, friends, etc that are harder for him than others and how his dad and I never want him to add extra pressure if it’s not needed. We don’t want him hurting himself and his self esteem going down any further than it already is over any sport. We don’t want it to happen over anything, but especially a sport. We discussed his amazing report card and how that is what matters. I told him that sports aren’t for everyone and that’s ok. We discussed how incredible he is at Math and Science…he truly amazes me every day with how smart he is in these subjects.

I am hoping that he went to bed feeling better. He hugged me and told me he felt better. But, with Cam we just have to hope because when he’s done talking he completely shuts down. I wanted him to know that his dad and I are so very proud of him and that no belt testing was going to change that. The pressures he has, the obstacles he deals with every day are harder than any sport he could ever play. Who knows if he will continue, after seeing him hurting himself tonight over the disappointment and the feeling of complete failure I am not sure it would be best for him. No, he won’t always get everything he wants in life, just like he isn’t getting this yellow belt and no I can’t protect him from everything. But, if I see him spiraling into a depression, hurting himself and shutting down….nothing is worth that, absolutely nothing and I will do everything in my power to prevent it from happening. His road in life is hard enough and no belt is worth making it any harder.