He's Teaching Me

Since Cam has been at his new school (3 weeks now can you believe it?!) I have had some worries about him making friends and fitting in. But with those worries it has had me thinking of my friendships also. I tend to try and get into Cam’s brain if at all possible so I can help him and with doing that it makes me take long looks in the mirror. Friendships are hard, family relationships are hard….so if it is hard for us as “neurotypicals”, imagine how it is for our children on the spectrum.

A great example was today for me looking in the mirror was, I had to attend an event with some family and friends. To say some of these family members are not a fan of mine is an understatement. Do I know why? Nope….I haven’t a clue. I can and have tried to guess, but I have never been told the reasons. Anyway…today prior to going to this event I was in complete panic. My heart was racing, I was physically sick to my stomach, my head was spinning, my hands were sweating, and it was completely awful. I always have anxiety when going to events with some of these family members because though I try not to care what people think of me, I do. Especially when it comes to family. So today my nerves were in complete overdrive. I, at one point driving there felt like I couldn’t breath. But, I was able to get my nerves somewhat together, tried my best to be myself and almost did a happy dance when it was over.

Then driving home, feeling relieved, it hit me. This must be what Cam feels like every time he has to deal with new people, eye contact, talking to people about things he doesn’t like, loud sounds, being around people who don't understand him and his differences, etc. What I went through today is exactly what my son goes through multiple times a day. I can’t imagine having this feeling every day. But….he does.

He struggles every day in “our” world, yet every day he is learning to hold it together. There are days where he holds it all in at school and then completely melts down at home. But don’t all of us some days want to have a good melt down? I knew today what was going on inside of me and why, but he doesn’t understand or know why he feels the anxiety, the anger, the sadness or frustration that he has inside. He can’t put into words any of it so he melts down. I don’t think I ever completely understood it until today. It made me cry to know this is what my son goes through on a daily basis.

Even though he has to deal with all of this inside, Cam is beginning to make friends at school. He is trying to relate to these friends in their interests and ask questions to show he cares. He is defying the odds that so many others informed me he would never be able to do when it comes to friendships. He is learning how to handle uncomfortable situations or communicate that he is uncomfortable without completely melting down. Yes, he still has meltdowns. But, they are less and I am seeing hope for my son to one day have true friendships and true family bonds.

My worries for Cam will always be there, but I believe through my own life experiences, not just this example, but many others, that I am starting to understand my son a little more. I am learning that us neurotypicals who think we have it all together and it’s the ones on the spectrums who don’t when it comes to family and friends….well folks we are wrong. If anything I am learning more from my son on how to hold it together, how to act and how to handle them better. Maybe it is Cam who should be worried about me because he seems to be holding it together and succeeding much better in these avenues than I am.