A Day of Panic

Oh what a day of emotions today was. I started the morning wrestling Cameron to get dressed for school because that is our typical mornings. He wakes up like he is shot out of a cannon, I try and get him to focus long enough to get dressed, eat breakfast and then hope that there is enough time left for him to have some play time before we leave for school. If he doesn't have at least five to ten minutes of play time it is not a pretty day for anyone involved. I should say if any of his morning routine is messed up, from the way his clothes are placed on his bed or the way his vitamins are put on his plate, then it will not be a good day for him or anyone around him and not because he is this horrible boy because he isn't at all. He just does not understand how to handle any type of change very well, so I try and keep his routine as usual as possible so he has a good day. 

So, once he was at school I headed back home to schedule a trip away, a girls weekend away to visit my best friend. I have been talking about this trip as long as she has been living in Nashville, which has been quite awhile. I usually talk myself out of it, not wanting to leave the kids or Bryan but this time I was so proud of myself I talked myself into it. It is something that I really want to do, something that Bryan has been telling me to do for a very long time now, so dang it I am going to do it! Well, I no sooner booked the trip that I had almost a complete internal panic attack. Leaving them is hard, I usually never leave the children more than one night and that is usually with Bryan and we typically do not go anywhere more than an hour away and I am on my phone texting my mom nonstop to check on the kids. Now, I know I sound like a crazy mother who needs to learn to let go of her children a little bit but let me explain. As I said earlier Cameron doesn't deal with change easily and me leaving is a big change for him. So I know it will be hard for him and I know when it gets hard for him that is when the meltdowns occur. Since he doesn't understand or know how to express his feelings, he melts down. I feel the guilt of leaving this all on Bryan. My husband works very hard and is an amazing father, so there is not a doubt in my mind that he can handle it. But, I feel bad that he will have to handle it all alone. Then I worry what if Cameron really hurts himself during one of these meltdowns? Now that he has mastered not only punching and kicking the walls and doors but now he is also pounding his head so hard on the wall that I am afraid he is going to crack his skull open, who knows when we will be rushing him to the ER. So, I was pretty much in panic mode all day inside. Yes, I am looking forward to some time away, but in that same breath I will worry, panic, well you name it and I am going to do it until I am back from my trip.

Then I scheduled Cameron's appointment with a neurologist today. Since he has been having such severe meltdowns and hurting himself we want to make sure there isn't something else we are missing. So, now not only am I worrying about my trip but also this appointment. Fortunately they are getting us in quickly, we go next Wed. But I will worry until then. How will Cameron like a new doctor? What will the doctor say? Will they want to do an MRI or EEG? If so how is he going to handle all of that? Not well I am sure, he will be scared but he won't understand that he is scared so he will panic and I don't have the magic wand that I so wish I did to help him understand all of this. So if I get any sleep between now and next Wed it will be very little. I sit up and worry every night as it is about him and about Peyton. I worry how he is going to handle this life, the many struggles he is going to face and the people he is going to encounter. He doesn't understand so much of it now and it's only going to get harder for him as he gets older. I worry that I am not giving Peyton all I can because being there for Cameron is a full time job in itself. I do the best I can but there is always....always things I can do better.

So today I celebrate that Cameron had an amazing day! Today, I am thankful that I was able to hold it together through all of my panic and worrying.  Tomorrow is Friday...and as a friend of mine said the other day, even stay at home moms are thankful for Fridays! In our house it means celebrating getting through another week, usually heading to Houligan's for wings because we all LOVE their wings (or as Cameron calls it, I want the Teriyaki chicken and bones please) and then home for family movie night. It is a night that all of us look forward to.