I Failed

I am not sure where to start….it has been a rollercoaster of a week with Cam. I took the kiddos on a trip this week and it started off great. Midweek it completely went downhill. We had to leave a place because Cam had a total meltdown and by total meltdown I mean dropping to the floor, kicking and screaming, crying, head spinning, total out of body experience to where I had to literally throw him over my shoulder and carry him out. All of this is going on while I am holding his sister’s hand while she is crying out of sadness that we’re leaving and because she was scared by his meltdown plus all of the people staring at me and instead of moving out of my way so I could get him out of there and to a quiet place they just stood there and stared. At one point I just wanted to scream “instead of kicking me…he will kick you if you don’t move!” We finally got to the car and just sat there….all three of us crying. I hate when I let myself cry when this happens, it’s a part of our life…it happens and it’s going to continue to happen, so why do I cry? After awhile the storm settles and all seems to be ok. Move forward with the day. A few hours later another huge meltdown happens and this time he is lashing out on me and I get hurt…nothing huge but a little blood was shed and then he starts flipping out even more screaming “I didn’t mean to hurt you mommy! I am so sorry mommy!” And this is when my 7 year olds becomes like a baby and sits in my lap in the fetal position just crying and hugging me very tightly. There is my sweet boy whom I know would never intentionally hurt me. He can’t control it, he can’t control himself and he wants to. You can see it in his eyes that he so badly wants to but he doesn’t know how. So, once again the storm calms down and we move forward. Not too shortly later we went to dinner and after dinner went to have dessert and you can insert third huge meltdown here. Once again Cam drops to floor screaming, crying, kicking and once again we have an out of body experience going on. I again carry him out of there kicking and screaming and again people just sit and stare. I guess I would stare too before my life with Autism. Now when I see this happen I just offer help or move away and try to give the “I completely understand and am sending you a hug” look. We get back to our hotel room, he cries and for the first time in awhile I just completely sob. I mean I have cried, but I was crying uncontrollably. Way to be a great mom and never let him see you cry! Yeah, I know….but three huge meltdowns in one day plus all of the stresses going on just got the best of me. Thank goodness after this one it was time for bed and off to bed he went. His sister hugging me and telling me how sorry she is that I am crying, which breaks my heart even more. My 4 year old shouldn’t see me cry and say these things. So I have not only failed Cam but I have also failed her. After he goes to bed I cry more and start trying to figure out why did today hit me so hard? This is not the worst day he has ever had and this won’t be the last bad day. I start going through everything and there’s a lot of things on my mind right now. Where will Cam go to school next year? Though after talking it through with my husband and a wonderful friend who knows the schools and the help Cam needs better than anyone, we have decided where he’ll be going…but that doesn’t mean I don’t stress that I am making the wrong choice. When can I get him into be evaluated for him hurting himself? (He pinches and picks at himself so bad he bleeds and he does this constantly all over his body) Am I giving him all he needs? Am I giving his sister all she needs? Why are family members attacking my husbands and my character when we have done nothing to them but love them and be there for them? What can I do tomorrow to make sure Cam has a better day? Why do I fail him and his sister every day? Why do I feel like my husband and I are on this journey all alone? Yes, I am beyond grateful we have each other because if I didn’t have him I would be locked up in a rubber room…but even we get lonely together on this journey. Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all this night. The next day was a much better day for all of us even with my complete lack of sleep. Fast-forward to today and it started out really good. We’re back home. He’s home with all of his toys, books, daddy and his puppy. He and his sister are playing great and it was just a wonderful day. Then bam tonight out of nowhere a complete and total meltdown happens after a small fight with his sister. All hell broke loose and it was like the perfect storm hit our house. Only this time I punished him because of one of the things he did. Yes, I know Autism is only a part of Cam and I can’t make excuses for his actions because of it….but some times I just don’t know what he actually has control over and am I punishing him for something that is completely out of control. I don’t ever allow him to use it as an excuse but as his mom I should know when it is the Autism happening or when it’s something else. But tonight I am sitting here questioning my decision. Plus once again I sit here wondering all of the same questions I wondered the other night plus a million more. Right now I am at a complete loss on so many things….but I have to believe the answers will start coming and things will turn around. More importantly I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day….