Look Back

Have you ever went back from your child’s original diagnosis and read all of the evaluations, different doctor’s papers, etc? If not I highly recommend it. Not because I think looking back in life is always the best option, but when it comes to this I think sometimes it is. I did this the other day for the first time and though my intention wasn’t to read it all, I was actually just looking for a specific date of something for one of Cam’s papers I was filling out, but instead I found the answer and a whole lot more.

I started from the original diagnosis letter, September 9, 2010…the day that our life changed forever. Reading this diagnosis brought me back to that day. I had fought with everyone that something was different, unique about Cam but others thought I was either crazy or just an overprotective first time mom. But, as you moms know our mother’s instinct is something not to be reckoned with. So, on September 9 we went to have the psychiatrist that we were referred to, to have Cam officially evaluated. Within minutes the psychiatrist saw all of the signs for a diagnosis but he continued for the next hour or so to evaluate and test Cam and go over our concerns. Then he looked up and said, “your son has a form of Autism called Asperger’s and he also has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and in better terms he is a child with high functioning Autism.” I sat there with tears in my eyes and my husband sat there stunned. The doctor looked at me and said and I will never forget it “I can tell you are crying because you knew. You knew the diagnosis before I even said it.” Yes, reading that letter brought me back to that day and again I sat there and cried. Almost three years ago and it still hits me like it was yesterday. Now you’re probably thinking “why the hell are you telling me to go back and read all of this if it caused you pain and to cry?” It’s because I didn’t stop reading there and that’s where light was shined on my tears.

I then went through reading more doctor’s visits and evaluations because you know the first diagnosis isn’t where you stop. You have to hear it from many other specialists and doctors, not just for yourself but also for all of the others who continue to tell you that you are wrong, that the doctors are wrong and that he is just fine. So, we did all of that and funny enough every doctor came to the same diagnosis. Then after all of that I read the beginning evaluations from the different therapists and read his goals. I kept reading through the past three years all of these evaluations, these goals and also the new diagnoses that come along with your child on the spectrum. Because you know Autism alone just isn’t enough, there has to be other issues, like sensory processing disorder, ADHD, OCD, etc. You name it and you found out that your child not only has Autism but he has all of these other diagnoses too. Which are all common for children on the spectrum but you didn’t know that until your child was actually diagnosed on the spectrum. But, I continue to read and yes this took quite a few hours because Cam’s chart is huge, as I am sure all of you who have children on the spectrum can relate because you all have that same chart or charts. And through it I cried many, many tears. BUT at the end of it….when I was at my last page I closed it and realized just how far Cam has come in these almost three years. I realized how far we as a family have come because of Cam in these almost three years. He has achieved goals that I never thought were possible for him. He has achieved goals that doctors and therapists never thought he could achieve. He has changed people’s views on life with Autism and he has made people stop and smell the Autism roses. So through all of these battles or struggles with him, with doctors, with insurance companies, with schools, with family….he has still come so incredibly far. We have all come so incredibly far. Some days in the beginning I felt like the diagnosis was like a death sentence because the life that we had envisioned for not just Cam but for us as a family died that day. But it wasn’t a death sentence at all….it was a new beginning. We as a family are stronger than we ever could imagine, Cam is making amazing strides in areas we never thought possible and all of us are learning our life with Autism.

So, I say to you…take the time to read all of your child’s chart and give yourself a pat on the back. Without you, your child would not be as far as they are…without you, your child would still be where he or she was when they were first diagnosed. But, they’re not….they are making progress because of you. Give your child a pat on the back for helping you see life through different eyes and give them a pat on the back for making all of that progress. I know I went in and hugged Cam and told him how proud I was of him and how very much I loved him. Of course he had no idea why and probably thought I was crazy because I did all of this with huge tears in my eyes, but he needed to hear it…I needed to tell him. I think some days are so hard that we forget as Autism parents to look at how far we’ve come and how strong we are because we fight battles others could never imagine, we deal with things on a daily basis that most will never understand….yet we get back up and continue to fight, continue to do all of this and more. So please take the time to pat yourself on the back and tell yourself how amazingly strong you are and remember sometimes looking back with your incredible Autism child is ok because it reminds you how far you’ve come.