Pity Train....

I have been in a bit of an Autism funk lately. Yep, I stepped on the pity train last week and am trying hard to get myself off of it. Last week Cam had a bit of a hard week, nothing horrible at all and by far the best of the worst that he has had in forever. But, for some reason it hit me really hard. Then on Thursday I said those words…words that I have sometimes thought but have never put it out there to the world. I HATE AUTISM! And I meant it. I have lots of rainbow sunshiny days where I see all that I have learned thanks to this Autism journey. I sit back and see the fighter that I have become, the way that Cam and Autism has helped me to open my eyes to a new incredible world that celebrates life’s miracles that most take for granted and I see the mom that I am thankful to be because of his Autism. But then there are days or weeks where I really don’t like this journey and yes to be completely honest hate it. I hate that every day when I drop my son off at school I worry about his meltdowns, his awkwardness, his struggles…the list of worries go on and on. I hate that every day when I pick him up from school I have a lump in my throat waiting to hear how his day was and I hate that I can’t be the parent who can just pick her son up without having to feel like I have to hear every detail of his day to know what, if anything set him off, what struggles did he have, did he have any meltdowns or did he have a great day. I hate that when we have a friend or friends over with their children my heart is in my stomach again, worrying the entire time about how he will act, what will he say that they take offense to because he has no filter (good and bad thing here) and sometimes what he says is not what he meant. I hate that I feel like we have to live in a bubble away from most of society because we have lost so many friends along this journey, whether because they judged and I couldn’t take the judging, the looks, the whispers behind my back. Or because I have separated myself because out of fear of the judgers I have detached myself from most of the world not wanting to get hurt or judged any more. This journey can be very lonely because no one, not even those that are also on the Autism journey with their children can completely understand what I am going through because each of our children are so different.

So, yes I am on the Autism pity train right now. Yes, as much as I try to be positive about it all, I have my times where I just can’t fight the hate or anger.  What’s funny or ironic about it right now is Cam is doing really well. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, yet I do. The struggles are still there even when he’s having amazing days. The fighting that I have to do for him is still there even when the journey is still full of rainbows and that is what I hate. In most cases for neurotypical children when they are doing amazing parents get to enjoy it. But when Cam is doing amazing it is much different than those children. The hate will subside and the rainbows and sunshine will come back out…..right now though I am working through the hate.