Remembering.....

Today I was brought back to remembering the day of Cam’s diagnosis. It is hard to believe that it was a little over 3 years ago now because as I sat thinking about it today it was like it was just yesterday that it all happened. I remember sitting in the waiting room for the psychologist with complete knots in my stomach. He walked up and introduced himself to us and to Cam and I sat there watching my son who could care less about this man, this stranger standing there in front of us. Cam was more concerned about his dinosaur puzzles. We walked into the room and the psychologist for the first few minutes just observed Cam, then did some testing with him and then turned to my husband and me and asked lots of questions. It was honestly the longest visit of my life yet the shortest. At the end of it all he looked at us and said, “your son has Asperger’s and ADHD”. I started crying, bawling, I couldn’t catch my breath. The doctor looked at me and said “I can tell by your tears you already knew what I was going to say”. And he was right, I did. I had fought against others who told me I was crazy that there was nothing wrong with my son, I had tried everything I could imagine to get him help prior to bringing him there. But, I did know that when we walked into the office that day I was going to hear those words. That fact didn’t make hearing those words any easier, to be honest I believe it made it harder. Had I known yet been in denial all this time? Had I done all I could to help him or should I have done more? The what ifs, the could ofs and should ofs…they started creeping in and the tears flowed harder all the way home. The life that I had envisioned for my son was no longer there. Of course I had already seen some of this life I had so wanted for him start to disappear before the diagnosis. We tried team sports for him like t-ball and soccer and those were both an epic fail. We had already lost some friends because who wants to have play dates with a child who melts down at the drop of a hat? Who wants to go out in public with a family who has a child that appears out of control or that says what seems to say rude things? So, even before the diagnosis our lives had changed but there was still that ounce of hope. Maybe the doctor will tell us this is all normal. Maybe he will tell us the others were right he will outgrow this…maybe we will be invited to those play dates once he outgrows it. Then BAM! the diagnosis comes and I realized that those maybes will never come true.

My son is Autistic…that sentence still brings tears to my eyes. I have over the past 3 years had to mourn the life that I had envisioned for Cam and come to terms with the life that he will have. Is that life less or worse than what I had hoped for? No, it isn’t but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt my heart to know he won’t have the chance to have the life I so wanted for him. I think that is the big thing I have come to terms with….well who am I kidding, I am starting to come to terms with or maybe I will never fully come to terms with, the fact that it is ok for me to mourn the life I wanted for him. Would I ever change my son? Absolutely not. He is my son and he is perfect to me. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t change the struggles he goes through and that he will always go through. Would I ever take away his Autism? Some days I say no and some days I say yes. The days I say yes are the days I watch him struggle to a point that I can’t help him at all or at least to the point where I feel like I can’t help him. But, his Autism is who he is and saying that I want to take it away is like saying I want to take him away. I do however want to take his struggles away. I want him to be able to have real friendships one day and maybe (30-40 years from now…haha) a girlfriend. I want him to be able to communicate easier and not be stared at for his differences. His life will always be harder than others, but that will make him a stronger person…right? It has taught me as his mom to be a stronger person so I have to believe it will teach him the same. Over the past 3 years he has come so far. That part I celebrate, the big and the small accomplishments I celebrate. It may not be the life I envisioned for Cam, but he will still lead an amazing life. The mourning process still hits me when certain things happen, when I see friends of ours children doing certain sports or activities or I see events that before Cam’s diagnosis or issues started shining brightly I was invited to. I think as Autism parents we should be allowed to have this mourning time and it doesn’t matter if we never stop mourning certain aspects of our children’s lives that we had envisioned for them as long as we don’t forget to live and enjoy the amazing child we have in front of us. Cam will lead an incredible life….Autism and all.