Today is what I am hoping and praying is the last step
before having our IEP meeting for Cam. I had a meeting with the social worker
and went through all of Cam’s issues. For over an hour I sat there as she asked
questions and I listened to myself go through all of his issues, his
weaknesses, you name it…if it was bad we went over it. The entire time I fought
back my tears. We talked about when Cam was diagnosed and when she said, “Your
son is Autistic” it hit me so hard. After she left I cried and felt so awful
for having to discuss all of the bad things about Cam. I had a rough day the
rest of the day, just felt horrible.
Luckily for me I am blessed with an amazing friend…one who
knows just when to ask me to go for a walk or just to talk. And tonight was no different. So as
we’re walking and talking about my meeting and some other issues I am dealing
with right now, she asked me a question that hit me hard….but one that I needed
to be asked. “Do you think YOU have really come to terms with Cam’s Autism?”
Wow, I haven’t thought about it…but have I? The answer is no, if I am
completely honest I really haven’t. I am still struggling when I say Autism and
Cam in the same sentence. I am still struggling with the fact of the things he
can’t do and may never be able to do. I try and act like I have come to terms
with it, but it is just that…an act. I still cry daily when I take myself back
to that day of his diagnosis and when I think of all of the struggles we go
through daily with him. The therapies, the fights for an IEP, the medicines,
the fights with relatives and friends over understanding him….I still cry every
day over all of this. I cry because I love him so much and I so wish he didn’t
have these struggles and these people in his life who don’t understand him. I
cry because I blame myself every second of every day that he goes through all
of this. As a mom I should be able to take all of this pain away for him….as
his mom I want so badly to be able to take it all away.
After answering her honestly I felt awful. How can it be
that I have not come to terms with it? It will be three years in September
since his diagnosis and I’m still not ok with it. What kind of mother am I? But
then she slapped me (verbally of course) back into reality and reminded me that
everyone comes to term with things in their own time and at least I am trying. The
reality is I am trying to come to terms with Cam’s diagnosis and all that comes
with it. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that some of the dreams I
had for him when he was born may not come true, but deep down I know there will
be dreams far greater than I could have ever imagined for him that will come
true. I just have to some days dig much deeper to remind myself of that.
But, here it is…I am not there yet. But, I will tell you
that even though I am not there yet it won’t stop me from fighting every battle
I can for him to have the best life possible. It will not stop me from fighting
the relatives and friends who don’t accept him. It will not stop me from
believing that he will live the most amazing life possible. It will not stop me
from ever loving him with everything I have. I am not there yet…but together,
with him teaching me about life more than I can ever teach him…I will get
there.
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