Connecting the dots....

Ever since my encounter with Cam’s teacher it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for the both of us. I kept him home from school on Friday because I could just tell that he needed a relaxing day. He and Peyton played and played and he was smiling from ear to ear. It was a day he definitely needed. That night daddy got to go out for a much-deserved night with a friend, so the kiddos and I had pizza and movie night. Well over pizza Cam hit me with a question I wasn’t expecting. “Mommy, why would my classmates parents think it’s bad that I have Asperger’s? I thought you said it made me extra special.” Proof once again that when you think he isn’t listening….he is. This question hit me hard and I tried my best to make him understand that sometimes it is hard for others to understand people’s differences and that it doesn’t mean they don’t like him, it just means they need to learn to understand and accept people for who they are. Then he hits me with another one, ok I held in the tears for the last conversation….this one not so much. “Mommy, is my Asperger’s why x-relative and y-relative always do things with a and b relative and not me and Peyton? They always go on cruises and trips with them and do fun things with them, but not Peyton and me? Do they not love us as much because of my Asperger’s?” Yep and cue the tears streaming down from my eyes. After I took my break to the restroom to compose myself, I headed back to face this conversation. (And no, I didn’t let him see me cry I ran and said I would be right back.) We talked for a little while longer on how people make choices in their life and it has nothing to do with his Asperger’s. I tried my hardest to reassure him that he is amazing and that it is these other people’s loss to not spend time with or accept him and it is not his fault about Peyton either. He did say, “well I have you, daddy, Peyton, Mattie (that’s our dog) and Grandma Judy and you guys love me and my Asperger’s and you guys do fun things with me all the time.” Then he was done with the conversation and changed the subject back to his favorite obsession these days’…lizards. Cue tears again…seriously kiddo mommy is failing miserably at keeping it together for you tonight. I hope and pray he left that conversation feeling better. It is always so hard to tell. We laughed and enjoyed movie night and the night ended on a good note.

He’s starting more and more to realize his differences and he’s starting to realize people don’t accept or understand his differences. He’s starting to feel like people don’t even like his own sister because of his Asperger’s. He’s beginning to connect the dots and a part of me thinks this is a good thing, so we can start now to work through things he is keeping inside and help him understand them. But, the other part of me is crumbling inside because he has to go through all of this and he is only 6. Why should any child ever have to feel this way and ask these questions? Why does MY son have to feel this way? Why did his teacher say that and why did he have to hear it? Why do relatives make these choices and leave daddy and I to pick up the pieces and they do not even care? These are all questions that keep going through my head and heart.

He amazes me because in so many ways he is so much wiser than he should be, yet in other ways he is emotionally and socially at the age of a 3 or a 4 year old. How do I make him see the amazing child that I see every second of every day standing in front of me? I will continue to do all I can to make him see it and more importantly make him feel it in his heart. He hasn’t brought it up at all since then and he’s been having a couple of really good days, so I am trying my best to look at all of that positive. Some may choose not to accept him or understand him but I will be damned if any of those people will continue to lower his self - esteem. He has and will continue to have many struggles in life, many that those other parents, relatives or teachers will never understand nor could they ever live through these struggles, but I will not allow them to make him doubt himself or the how incredible he truly is.