My Hurt

Tonight’s post has nothing to do with Cam and his Autism.  He actually had a great day and for that I celebrate. But, here is where I vent...so here's my venting. I’m feeling very hurt right now.I would say that this hurt is typical from the people who did it, but tonight it hit a new low. Just when I think these people can’t hurt me any more than they already have, they prove me wrong. It is sad how people, especially relatives can hurt you so deep and not even care. It completely baffles me to be honest with you. These people act as though they do nothing wrong and yet they continue to hurt me and my family…and not even blink an eye.

I have talked about how these relatives have and continue to, hurt Cam. But the truth is he is not the only one..my husband and I are also ones that they continue to hurt. Now, as you may have learned I speak my mind…whether that is a good or bad trait…it is who I am. My father taught me that you might not always make people happy with what is on your mind, but it always better to tell them. He and I may have our issues, but it is a trait that I am glad I learned from him. But, in the same breath that trait has caused a lot of hurt in my life. Speaking your mind and the truth usually isn’t what people want to hear. They would prefer to hear what they want to hear, rather than what the truth is.

What’s funny with these relatives that continue to hurt me is that I have been the one to try and do all I can for them but many times it was without wanting to receive any recognition so I didn’t point out what I had done. I always tried to go above and beyond for them. I have tried with everything I have to make it the relationships that I always prayed it would be when my husband and I got married and especially when we had our children. Everything I did...I did out of love….nothing else. I have tried at times to be the person that I thought they would like, but even then it wasn’t good enough. That’s when I realized that I would never be good enough and I had to learn to be ok with that. They find wrongs in others but never look in their own mirrors to see the wrongs they do to others. I tried to be ok with that until it started really affecting my family. That’s when I started to really take the advice my father had given me. I was tired of trying to push everything under the rug. I was tired of putting on a happy face just to make them look good and yet it was all lies. If you’re going to continue to hurt me and make me the bad guy, I might as well start standing up for what I believe in and speaking about the hurt that you cause not just me, but my husband and my children.

Now don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t always been bad with these relatives, but it has never been great either. It is the worst it has ever been right now and I don’t foresee that changing any time soon. What they pulled tonight hurt deeper than anyone can probably ever imagine and it’s a hurt that won’t just go away. When my son asked why these people didn’t love him as much as they do two others (and I wish I could say it was the first time he has asked…but it’s not), that cut me very  deep for him. Tonight they cut me deep….for me. I wish these relatives would realize that their actions can’t be taken away and when they look at why problems are going on it may just be because of their actions…..not mine…not my husbands or my children…but in fact theirs.

Believe me, I look in the mirror every day and I know I make mistakes ALL of the time. I do not sit here on a pedestal throwing stones at glass houses. However, I admit my mistakes and I try to learn from them every day. I am FAR from perfect, but I also know that I am honest, I know that I have a huge heart and would do pretty much anything for anyone, I fight for what I believe in and I know that I do not deserve this hurt that I continue to receive. Tonight I am very hurt and very sad…..