Decisions...

I have been sick to my stomach this week over making decisions for Cam. Just when I think I have everything figured out for his school year next, I start to second-guess myself. What if I make the wrong choice? Then not only do I worry about his school year but now Peyton will be starting Pre-Kindergarten and some of where she goes weighs on where Cam goes to school next year. So, now I feel torn because I want to make the right choice for both of them. She deserves a great school too and it shouldn’t be based solely on where Cam goes, but a lot of it has to because of drive time and being there right on time to be in parent pick up right as soon as school lets out for Cam to see me the second he comes out of class. If he doesn’t see me right away anxiety kicks in and melt downs occur. Insert no sleep at all this week and feeling sick.

I feel like Cam is starting to make some progress at his current school with his fellow students understanding him a little. The teachers he has this year are wonderful, incredible, I really just feel so fortunate that he got these two teachers. They see the positives in his differences and help him excel in those. But, this school year is coming to an end and I worry about next year. Is the next set of teachers going to be able to do the same? Is the school going to be able to offer him the resources, accommodations, etc that he needs? We are STILL working on getting him an IEP and at this point I am starting to feel as though he will never get one! So, I don’t know if what all they feel he needs and what all I feel he needs as far as accommodations and services if they are going to be able to do it for him. So, until this stupid meeting happens I still wait for those answers. I don’t mean to sound so negative about the IEP process as I know many others have much worse things going on in their lives. But this process has been the entire school year and we still do not have one.

So, then I worry what if I change him to a different school. Is that “the” answer? Will he do better there? Will they understand him better? So many questions just keep going over and over and over in my head. If I do change him will he be ok with the change or will he start to spiral downward? Spiraling downward seems to happen with change for him and when the spiraling goes out of control it takes a long time to make life ok for him again. Do we take that chance?

I had been told by a friend who also has a boy with Asperger’s that first grade was a hell of a year for her son when he was in first grade. A lot of changes going on for him and that I needed to prepare myself. I guess I should have listened to her. She was right; this has been a hell of a year. But, now we’re coming to the end and it feels like things are finally starting to come together for him…so do we change next year?

I know none of this really makes sense because I can’t seem to get all of my confusing feelings into words. I just want to make the right decision and I want a magical crystal ball to tell me what that decision is. I feel like I failed him for so long before his diagnosis by listening to other people tell me I was wrong and not pushing harder for testing. I feel like l failed him after his diagnosis for a while because even though I felt like something was different about him, the diagnosis itself brought me to my knees. I feel like I fail him every day by not being patient enough with him or by apologizing for him being him. I feel like I fail him because maybe I am not fighting enough for this IEP. I feel like I am failing him because why can’t I get family members to take the time to truly understand him? So, when it comes to making the right choice for school next year I don’t want to fail him….again.