Passionate Journey

Yesterday we had our Autism Speaks walk kick-off. I was asked to be the co-chair for our walk this year (I still question my fellow co-chairs sanity for asking me) so the kick-off was a HUGE deal for me. I have been on the committee the past two years and tried to help when I could but this year I jumped in with both feet.

I am very passionate about spreading awareness and teaching people about Autism. I believe that once people understand it, they will be able to start to truly accept it. I want Cam one day to feel completely understood and accepted by everyone. I want Bryan and I to be able to go to places and not worry that if Cam has a meltdown everyone will stare at us, make rude comments or kick us out. (Yes, all three have happened more times than you would ever imagine) But, when I said yes to be the co-chair my own anxiety and self-doubt kicked in to overdrive. I have lost friends and family because of my passion to teach about Autism. I have a very low threshold for people who choose not to truly understand Cam and the life we live with him. I have also lost friends and family because they don’t like it when Cam has a meltdown or doesn’t speak or act the way they believe he should. I have also lost friends and family because I believe that you are either all in or you’re not…you can’t just choose to be when it makes you look good. Or I have been told that all I do is talk about his Autism and our life and issues with Autism. (Well, go back to the Walk a Mile In Our Shoes blog and you’ll understand why it’s all I talk about) Since Cam’s diagnosis I have found a voice that I didn’t know I had in me, a fighting voice. He is my son and I am very protective over him. He fights every day in his own way to be understood in a world that is so judging, the least I can do is help him fight the fights he can’t. So, I was worried that because of this passion and fight that I would again lose more friends and family. We don’t have many left to lose so hence the worry. I was worried that me being so passionate about it would be as “ugly” or annoying to them as they believe Cam’s meltdowns are. But, I had to take that chance because I am Cam’s voice in this world and I have to spread awareness any way I can and being co-chair for this awesome walk is a BIG way to do that.

So, when I started working on this like I said all of my anxiety and self-doubt came rushing back. Will I lose more friends? Will I want to harm more family for their ignorant comments and then cause more issues? Will I embarrass my husband with my passion and going overboard? Will I do a good job? Then I had to start approaching people to donate or be a part of the kick-off. So then I worried that they would be mad at me for asking, which would cause an entire issue all on its own. (YES, I realize I am an over thinker and over worrier)

So when people started to say yes when I was asking them to help or when friends weren’t running, I was completely taken aback. Then last night my co-chair, whom has also become a great friend, knew how nervous I was because I am a perfectionist and I wanted the entire night to be perfect, she was there for me. She kept me as calm as any human possibly could. Then my friend came and she had made candles to sell at the event to help raise money for our walk and though I knew she was doing it, it got me completely emotional. Not only did she do all of this for me, but she also missed her son’s first t-ball game of the season to be there for us. And what hit me even more is when I was telling her thank you and her response was “of course Crystal, that’s what friends are for”. I started to cry because I am not used to friends doing that. I am not used to friends being there for me, Cam, Peyton and Bryan like this. I am used to the judging, the rude comments, the turning of backs. So when she said that’s what friends are for it hit me. Cam is not the only one who struggles daily with social interactions, but so do I. I don’t have many true friends, friends who truly accept me and this entire journey with Cam. So the fact that she does and the fact that she said that and I knew she meant it, well it just about brought me to my knees with appreciation. Another friend and her family showed up and her boys were wearing their Team Cameron shirts, which sounds small but to me it meant the world. She had family in from out of town, she has so much going on and yet she made the time to come with her family and show her support. Again, another friend who is accepting this journey and all that it entails. To the person reading this who thinks it is weird that these things mean so much to me, you have to remember that we have friends and family who have all in one way or another turned their backs on us and this journey with Cam. So, when people are there for us, it truly hits a place in our heart that you could never imagine.

I have family in New York who couldn’t be there physically but did everything to be there in spirit. My mom had friends all over town lighting it up blue in honor of Cam. My friend took time away from her family to come and take pictures for the event. I had my amazing husband and kiddos there showing their love and support for not just Cam, but for me and for this fight to raise awareness and acceptance. These are all people that don’t just talk the talk when it makes them look good. These are not just people who are around when the times are good. These are all people who truly care and who truly accept not just Cam but all of us on this journey with Cam.

This is the first time in a very long time that I felt like not only were people starting to understand and love Cam the way I do, but they were starting to accept and understand me. Last night I cried tears of complete overwhelming appreciation when falling asleep. This road with Cam isn’t always easy and for a long time it has felt as though the four of us in this house were traveling it alone. But, I am finally starting to feel not so lonely and feel like Cam is being loved and accepted by the right people. As my friend said last night “if they walked away, then they were never true friends to begin with”. I couldn’t agree more, whether it is friends or family if you don’t get it, you don’t belong in our lives. The road may be hard and it always will be, but I am so very thankful to those few who are walking it with us.