It Takes a Village...

It takes a village to raise a child. That is something I have heard since the day Cam was born. At first I thought it was crazy. I remember when he was first born, I didn’t think anyone else could take care of him the way I did. I didn’t want to leave his side in fear that I would miss something or that he would need me. The mama bear in me completely kicked in and I was probably a little too obsessed with being his mommy. But, I was a first time mom who didn’t want to make any mistakes. Though, I kick myself now because I should have asked for help, I definitely could have been a better mom with more sleep.

But, now Cam is 6 ½ and has Asperger’s and ADHD and that village has gotten much smaller. It amazes me when I see my friends who have such amazing support systems…they have that village. I even see family members who have neurotypical children and they have that village. I am honestly envious of all of these people. They have date nights regularly, they have “me” time, they have things that this house never sees. What makes me even more sad is that I have found out it is very common for families with children on the spectrum to not have that village or at least not a village as big as those with children that are “normal”. But it is those families that don’t have it, that need it the most. Why is that? Why are the villages smaller for the ones that need it the most? I have been thinking about this a lot lately due to conversations with friends and due to our village seeming to get smaller and smaller by the day.

I do believe it is hard for any parent to be a parent these days. Trust me I am not saying just because your child is neurotypical that it isn’t hard and that you don’t need your village. However, a parent of a special needs child doesn’t just have the every day issues that come with children, we have more. We have doctor’s appointments all over the state because the “best” doctor’s are never in your own town. We have countless therapy sessions scheduled for our children, you think sports takes up a lot of time….please try taking your child to several different therapies a week, sometimes even in a day. We have to keep up with all of the school issues because not only do we have homework and school functions to keep up with but we also have those wonderful evaluations that are constantly happening, the parent-teacher meetings that happen very often and those wonderful lets fight with everything we have IEP meetings or if you’re in my current shoes fight every day with everything you have just to get your child an IEP and the help that they really need. Then there’s the meltdowns, the ones that parents with “normal” children have no idea what we go through. You can count to three; take something away or even time out will work. That doesn’t work for most of us special needs parents. Counting just kicks our child’s anxiety into gear, which then causes a more severe meltdown. Then a lot of us have other children, some have other children that are also on the spectrum so double, triple the above list. (those parents are truly my heroes) For those of us that have other children that aren’t on the spectrum we have the constant guilt that we are not doing enough for them because of the above list that we have to do for our child on the spectrum. We want them to be involved in everything that they want but we have to schedule it around therapies, doctors appointments and teachers meetings. How is that fair? It really isn’t, but when you don’t have a village to help you, you really have no other choice.

See all these times are when we could really use our village. I agree it takes a village to raise a child. I now completely understand why that saying is so popular and true. I also understand that unless you live with our special needs children you will never truly understand them, I have come to learn and accept that. But, is trying to understand them so hard? Is trying to help be our village in any way possible really that hard? Do special needs parents seem a little bit more uptight and feel like we have to explain every detail about how to help our children to you? Absolutely! We live it, every second of every day. So we know what’s going to cause a melt down and what may help if a melt down happens. We know what they will eat or won’t. We know how they like to be touched or when they may need some time alone. We know “the” looks or sounds they may make right before overstimulation kicks in. It doesn’t mean we don’t want your help or we don’t think you know what you’re doing. It just means we want to help you while you help us.

I don’t understand completely why our villages are so much smaller. I don’t understand why when other people complain about how busy they are, why special needs parents are overlooked or ignored. What I do understand is that we need that village more than anything. I understand that we appreciate the help, the shoulder to cry on, the ear that really listens, the offer to try and understand our journey. I know that we want that village but most of us have given up trying to build it because we fight so much for our child every day that when it comes to fighting for a village to help us we have no strength. It takes a village to raise a child and all of us deserve, desire and need that village….all of us.