Struggling....

       Today was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. We started the day off great. Cam woke up and was excited because today was field trip day and he got to ride a school bus for the very first time. He was so excited! So the two of us head off to school and there was no drop off today because since I was a chaperone I just stayed with him. So when class started I was able to sit back and watch him and see how he interacts with all of the other kiddos in the class. This begins the rollercoaster of my emotions for today. I watched as the other kiddos got books and sat in groups to read together and then there was Cam. He sat alone and then at one point went and sat next to his teacher to read to her. Now this didn’t upset him, but it did upset me. I later asked his teacher if this was what happens every day and of course her answer was yes.

       So a little while later we headed to the bus and as soon as everyone was on I could see it in his eyes that he was a little unsure and overwhelmed. I asked him if he was ok and he didn’t say anything, he just grabbed my arm and didn’t let go for the rest of the ride. As we got to the first stop on our field trip I tried to be like other parents and sit back and watch and listen. But, with Cam that isn’t what happened for long. He likes to be the boss and he likes to be the one who knows everything. Which in turn gets on the other kiddos nerves and I can see the annoyed faces glaring at him. I was able to sit with him and try to keep him from doing the blurting out. He doesn’t get the social cues, so the glares and annoyed comments from the others he doesn’t get. I am so sad watching this and I wish there was something I could do to help him understand what’s going on.

       Then we headed off to the next part of the field trip, which was a lighthouse. I have complete anxiety when it comes to heights, so I knew unless someone wanted to call 911 from me passing out that I wasn’t climbing up those stairs. I told Cam that I couldn’t but that his teacher would be with him and off he went. I was completely shocked and so very proud. He climbed the entire way up, 203 stairs might I add! He was so proud of himself when he came down, the smile he had melted my heart. “Mommy, I DID IT! I climbed ALL that way!!” Yes, tears are coming now just thinking of seeing his little face lighting up.

       Lunchtime came and it was a complete fail. All of the kiddos are pairing up and eating together and there’s Cam….alone. I asked him if he wanted to go eat with his friends and his response was “I have no friends mommy. You’re my best friend will you eat with me?” Hold back tears….hold back tears…that’s all I kept telling myself. The reality is, he doesn’t have friends and lately it keeps hitting me harder and harder. I watch my friend’s kiddos having sleepovers and play dates (successful playdates) and I SO want that for Cam. I hear family members complain about their neurotypical children being hyper or fighting with their sibling and I want to ask them to trade places for just one day and you would learn to truly appreciate what you have. Today I wish Cam’s life was easier and that he could enjoy the things that so many others take for granted with their children.

   We head over to the final part of our field trip, which was the Marine Science Center, and of course Cam was very excited…it’s animals. He knew the answer to every question, which made me so proud. But in the same breath I saw the other kiddos eyes rolling, them telling the teacher that he’s annoying and calling out and again I fight back tears. I am so proud of him for knowing all that he does. Truly my kiddo is like an encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to animals and dinosaurs. I can see where the others would get annoyed but I also wish they would see that it is very neat that their fellow classmate knows so much about animals.

  Our afternoon was a rollercoaster. Happy one minute and then complete and total meltdown the next. The last meltdown today lasted about 45 minutes and then it was off to get ready for bed. Here’s where my emotional day goes into overdrive. We do prayers every night before bed and tonight was no different. Cam starts and he says “thank you God for my family and thank you God for making me special with Asperger’s and giving me a mommy and daddy that love me with my Asperger’s”. Bryan and I were blown away. Where did this come from? Oh that’s right….it’s our incredible son…you have to expect the unexpected with him. After everyone was done with prayers I told him how very proud I was of him for his prayers tonight and he said “I know, I have Asperger’s and I have to thank God for giving it to me”. Seriously kiddo you completely amaze me every day. Today ended with him being ok in his own skin and me still struggling with it. But, the most important thing is that he went to bed tonight being ok with who he is and that is beyond amazing to me.