Choices

I am having a hard time lately with Cam’s hate for school. Clearly no mother wants their child to hate school, I understand this. But, my son is now having meltdowns pretty much every morning when he realizes that he has to go there. He has always not liked it and I can’t say I blame him. He doesn’t fit in anywhere, the noises are too loud, the smells get to him, he has to repeat spelling words and math problems over and over again that he already knows and he is just plain miserable. But, the meltdowns are becoming more frequent and getting more severe. So, of course I want to figure out why and try and put my super hero cape on and fix it. I started thinking back to last year, trying to remember when the meltdowns started up more and it was around this time too. Then it hit me like a “duh” moment. His therapists and doctors have told me that though he has his outrageous meltdowns and he is letting out some of his anxiety, anger, etc during those. He still has a lot of anxiety, anger and confusion on the inside in regards to his feelings, his confusion on this world that is hard for him to understand. He allows it to build up inside of him and when the meltdowns are getting out of control more, which clearly they are it is because the levels of all of these feelings on the inside are escalating. These meltdowns are happening more intense now because he has been trying to conform to a world at school that he just can’t. He’s been keeping inside all of these feelings about school and now he can’t keep it in but can’t explain it either, so he is they are becoming much more frequent and more severe.

So, now what do I do. I realize why they are happening but how do I fix it. Here in lies the place where I am struggling. Where I am feeling like a complete failure as a mother for him. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I decide to do for him next school year, he will be staying right where he is for the remainder of this year. He has AMAZING and VERY caring teachers and though he is struggling with other areas, they are helping him and being there for him in every way they can. However, I still want to figure out how to help him not have such issues in the morning, anxiety and meltdowns. But, what do I do for him next school year? How do I help him? I feel like whatever I choose I am still failing him because what if it’s not the right choice? If I home school is that the right choice? Or do I send him to a specialized Autism school? Do I keep him where he’s at and just hope it gets better? We’re on two years of “regular” school and he is still having all of these issues so I am not sure the last one is the right option. But what is the right decision? Is there even a right decision? How do I figure out which one is right? How do I not completely fail him? I already feel like I am, but how do I not continue to completely fail him?

Now, this is not a pity party for myself. Though after reading it, it’s hard for it not to sound like it. I know I do one thing right for him and it’s the most important thing and that is I love him with every ounce of my being. But, more importantly he knows that I love him that much. I would be a complete failure if he didn’t, but he does. I tell him and show him all of the time I love him because I want him to always know that. I say, “I love you, bug” and he’ll say, “I know, mommy”. Him saying I know lets me know I am doing something right.

But, when it comes to the school issues I feel like I am failing him. I feel like there really is no “right” answer. I feel like no matter what decision I make in some way it will be the wrong one. I just want him to be happier. I want him to enjoy whatever it is I choose. He has enough issues in life; I don’t want the entire school day to be one of them. I know some part of school no matter what the decision I make is, will be hard; I am not fooling myself to think otherwise. But, I would like for it to not all be hard on him. He has to grow up in a world where strangers, friends and family don’t understand him. Isn’t that hard enough? He has to grow up not understanding emotions going on inside, smells that he can’t tolerate, loud noises that make him drop to his knees and cover his ears. Isn’t that hard enough? School at this young of an age, shouldn’t be one those horrible struggles. So…..what is the right choice???