Worry....

Cam headed back to school today after having his nice long weekend. He was not overly excited about the idea of heading back, but he had no choice since I got him dressed and told him he was going. He had a pretty good day from what little he would tell me about it. Then as soon as we got home he wanted to be alone. He asked if he could have his iPad to watch..you guessed it Wild Kratts alone in his room. I agreed, but wanted to talk to him first. I decided to start preparing him for my trip. My trip that I leave for on THIS Thursday. But who am I kidding...I am not just preparing him, I am starting to prepare myself. I have never left my children for this long and the reality of it all is starting to set in. 

So we sat at the kitchen area while he had a snack and I began to tell him about my trip. He never looked up but I was watching his face. I wanted to see if I could see any worry, fear...anything. He stopped eating and started to ask why I was leaving and how long was I going to be gone. I told him I would drop him off at school Thursday morning and then he would help daddy and Peyton come pick me up on Sunday. He started to get really upset, he didn't understand why I had to go away to see a friend when I have friends here. He then went through the list of friends that he knows that I have here. He said they will not like that I am leaving them. I tried to explain to him that they were going to be ok with me leaving and that they knew I would be coming back soon too. This really started to break my heart. He wasn't crying, he was angry. I tried to give him some time to calm down so I sat in silence. Then out of nowhere he screams "mommy I HATE school! And I HATE you for making me go! I want to stay home! I want YOU to be my teacher! I don't want you to go visit a friend because YOU need to be MYYYYYYYYY teacher!!!" And right there the meltdown begins. He hates me, but doesn't want me to leave and wants me to be his teacher? His therapists and doctors have always reminded me that the awful things he says to me in his meltdowns are because he takes it out on the one who he feels safest with. Yeah...makes complete sense huh? Not really. But I try reminding myself of that when my son is screaming it at the top of his lungs for what seems like an eternity...this time it was only 20 minutes or so. I finally get him calmed down, by holding him in what may seem as a sumo wrestler hold. That may one day be my future job, being his mom is giving me plenty of practice. I tell him that he can have daddy call me whenever he wants to talk to me and if he wants to see me, daddy can use his phone to use the facetime option. (thank goodness for technology!) He says "you promise, whenever mommy?" I think oh great, sorry daddy, hope he doesn't wake you up at 2 am wanting to call me. I promise him whenever he wants. He seems to be pretty happy with that deal. Then, because my guilt is huge for leaving them I tell him about the talk I had with his teacher. I asked her if it would be ok for him to miss school on Wednesday so I could take him and Peyton somewhere special because of my trip. Yes, I am that crazy mom that needs to run things by the teacher. I want to make sure he is not going to miss anything big...if you couldn't tell I worry about EVERYTHING when it comes to him...who am I kidding, when it comes to him, my daughter and my husband. I WORRY! 

So anyways, he gets excited. "You mean I DON'T have to go to school on Wednesday because you're taking Peyton and me somewhere special before you leave?!!" That's right kiddo, mommy guilt is here and you get to play hooky! So, I tell him he and Peyton get to pick wherever they want to go. He says "Ok mommy, after I watch a few of my Wild Kratts shows I will tell Peyton where...I mean ask her if she wants to go where I want to go...ok? But, that doesn't mean I can't still call you whenever I want...right mommy?!!!" What I wanted to say was no worries kiddo...if you don't call me I will call you. But, I promised him he could still call me whenever he wants. 

Later after dinner he has decided where we should go. He says to Peyton "don't you want to go to Sea World for our special place? I know you love animals just like, I do, so I know that is where you want to go too, right??" She truly is the best little sister he could ever ask for because she usually agrees with anything he wants. But, my little diva sometimes likes to stir the pot these days, so she says "no, I don't want to go there I really want to go to Cinderella's castle". Cams eyes start to well up with tears and I can see the meltdown coming. Then she says, "I'm just kidding of course I want to go to Sea World." And she laughs so hard she almost fell out of her chair. She may only be 4, but she is already into the sarcasm and jokes. His face gets happier and all is right in Cam's world.

Cam's night ended on a good note. Some ice cream in the belly, a couple of books read and off to bed he went. I am sure he will be dreaming about Sea World until Wednesday and hopefully that is also what will get him through the day tomorrow at school. I have guilt about leaving him...about leaving all of them. I am fortunate that my other half is practically kicking me out the door because he believes I need some "me" time, but that doesn't mean I won't worry. Worrying is one thing I am really good at. That and becoming a sumo wrestler....