I Want Yesterday Back....

Today is supposed to be a day of love and happiness. Cam woke up excited to celebrate this day. He got out of bed with no issue, got dressed and walked out with Peyton to their Valentine surprises from mommy and daddy. I had decorated their little eating area with hearts everywhere, left them a couple of small presents and a card. They loved it, it was a great beginning to the day. I promised Cam I would come have lunch with him today and that made him even more happy, so I just knew today was going to be a good day. Then drop off time came. At his school the kids wear uniforms, blue polos with khakis to be exact and when we got to school there were kids everywhere with red shirts on. Cam looked at me and asked me why they were all wearing red, they're not suppose to be wearing red, they're suppose to wearing blue. I didn't know but they were allowed to wear red shirts because it was Valentine's day and Cam was one of the few who didn't have a red shirt on. He was crushed and started to cry. "It's Valentine's Day mommy, I am suppose to be wearing red...everyone is wearing red and not blue. Blue is for the other days, not for Valentine's day." After a little bit I got him calmed down and promised to go home and see if there was a red shirt and if so I would bring it to him at lunch time. He seemed ok, not exactly happy but ok with my answer. His teacher apologized because she already knew the party was going to be a change for him but she didn't think about the shirts. I didn't think about the shirts and I'm his mom...why should she?

So I headed to the store after realizing that he didn't have a red shirt at home. He was having such a good day before drop off, I didn't want a shirt to ruin his day at school. Peyton and I headed there for lunch and he was so happy to see us and see his red shirt. He picked two classmates to eat outside with us and off we went to eat. I sat there watching the other two children joking together and having fun, while Cam sat next to me not knowing how to really interact with them. It really broke my heart. He wants friends so badly, he just doesn't know how to be a friend. Recess came and he asked if Peyton could stay and play with him. She is his best friend and the one who accepts him and plays with him whenever and however he wants. He has always loved her, since the day she was born. Which amazes me because I thought for sure there would be a jealousy or anger but there never has been. Anyway, I of course said yes since the teachers said it was ok. Peyton is our social butterfly. At the age of 4, she has friends in Cam's 1st grade class. So she was playing with him and then started playing with another little girl. Cam took it as he always does when there is more than one friend involved that Peyton didn't like him anymore and the meltdown started. Only this meltdown wasn't kicking and screaming...this meltdown was huge heartbreaking tears and watching him become a very little boy right in my arms as I was trying to console him. He cried and told me he has no friends, that Peyton is his friend and now even she doesn't like him. This breaks my heart into pieces. Because as I am trying to reassure him that he does have friends, I know in my heart he really doesn't. At least not at school, not right at this moment that I am trying to convince him that he does. By the time I got him calmed down the teacher blew the whistle and recess was over, which started up another meltdown. He wanted to play with Peyton so badly, she helps him feel like he's ok and now he can't play with her and he has to go back to class without me and without her. He cried for awhile and all I could do was hug him and tell him how very much I love him. He wasn't having the angry meltdowns he usually has. He was having a heartbreaking, I wish I had that magic wand right now and fix his meltdown. Cam finally calmed down when I reminded him that Peyton and I would be back very soon for his Valentine's Day party. I left again, hoping that he would have a good rest of the day...at least until I got there for his party.

Party time comes, they allow the parents into the room and there stands Cam, huge tears in his eyes and running to me. I try to get out of him what's wrong but whenever he gets this upset he gets stuck on a word and that one word is all I get for a few minutes. The party was suppose to be starting...he was suppose to be having fun with his class, passing out Valentine's, eating snacks and having fun. But, instead he stood there crying and I couldn't understand why. I found out from his teacher that one of the other kids for some reason told Cam to hurt them. I am sure the child said it jokingly, but Cam doesn't understand jokes, everything is black and white. So, he did as the kid told him and tried to hurt him. He didn't succeed and the teacher found out what was going on and called Cam over. Well, he thought he was getting in trouble and completely broke down into a big meltdown. He did as he was told, so he didn't understand why he was getting in trouble. Once again, his teacher was wonderful with explaining to him that he wasn't in trouble, but reminded him, he was not to listen to anyone but her. I am so thankful for how wonderful his teachers are. I know I have said it before, but if it weren't for them, I don't think Cam would have made it through this school year. He calmed down and he and Peyton handed out his Valentine's to the class. I could see it in his eyes that he was getting completely overwhelmed but he handled it so well. He made sure he stayed with Peyton and once he was done passing them out and eating his snack, he headed to the reading carpet and read his new animal book. I sat there once again, sad because there's the rest of the class laughing and playing and then there's Cam who doesn't fit in, doesn't understand how to be a friend, sitting by himself. 

I want my supermom cape on and I want to fix this for him. I want to take away all of this hurt, confusion and sadness for him. It kills me inside that he doesn't understand any of these emotions. It must be so hard for him, internally going through all of this and not knowing how to express any of it. I hate that I have to sit back and watch him struggle so much. He's 6, he's suppose to be able to be care free, playing and having fun. I want to go back to yesterday where he had a friend like him and he was ok in his own skin. I want to hear that laugh and see that smile...I want yesterday back...