It IS Him...

Today was Cameron's neurologist appointment, which meant I had to pick him up early from school. Go to the office to sign him out only to be stopped by the assistant principal, talking to me about a big meltdown he had today and one that ended up with him trying to run away from his teacher. Not what I was hoping to hear when I go to get him. She and I had a really nice talk, she's just as wonderful as his teachers. I am ready for the other shoe to drop at some point and him not be surrounded by caring teachers but right now that is the one thing that is going in our favor. We talked about how he's really starting to understand his differences, ok let's be honest he doesn't understand any of it. He's starting to really notice his differences, which we believe is an internal struggle that is causing him to have some other serious issues. So, as you have probably began to realize I am an emotional person, this encounter with her was no different. I held back tears, his issues are getting worse and I know, I have already seen this, talked about, cried about it, but it's different when your sons assistant principal talks to you. No matter how wonderful she is, it hits home harder that he's having a hard time and there's nothing I can do about it. So tears wiped away I went and picked him up from class. There he is, running up to see me so happy and young at heart. Now, yes again I realize he is only 6 but when I say young at heart, I mean he may be 6 but socially he is about 3.

We head to the neurologist appointment and we waited for an hour before being taken back. If you want a reminder of how good your life really is, sit in that waiting room seeing children with much worse issues and parents struggling a lot more than you. This was a new neurologist, so I wasn't sure how Cameron was going to handle it. Once we got called back, Cameron I could tell was getting nervous and hyper. Luckily we didn't wait long at all once we were finally back with the doctor and the doctor was soft spoken and great with Cameron. Then he talked to Bryan and me about Cameron's current issues, went through all of the meltdowns, mood swings, aggression, anxiety, you name it we went through all of it. At the end we heard, "this is going to be Cameron's life. This is all a part of his Autism and he's going to hit really low, lows and there's really nothing anyone can do for him but to just be there." Well, thanks for nothing is what I thought at first. Yes, I know he's Autistic and yes I know some of this is a part of what is him, but that's it? There's nothing you can do for him? Then it was like someone slapped me back into reality and said yes, Crystal this is it. This is the life that Cameron is going to have and no matter how many doctors you go to, nothing is going to change it. They're not going to tell you the other 100 doctors were wrong and he doesn't have Autism. They're not going to tell you that they have the magic wand to make all of his problems go away. Accept that this is his life and just try to do everything you can for him. I don't want him to not have Autism, because it makes him the little boy he is. But I really don't want him to have to go through all of these struggles in life. I don't want to have to worry about his 3 hour meltdowns that occur over nothing and worry that during those he may hurt himself. I don't want him to go through all of these struggles internally and not know how to handle any of it. I guess in a way I wanted the doctor to all of a sudden have that magic wand that I so wish I had and use it to help him. But, the reality is setting in, there will never be a magic wand. He is autistic, he is going to have these struggles. But, his Autism and his struggles are making all of us stronger. They are teaching Bryan and me so much about life and helping us learn to accept things the way they are. As any parent though, autistic parent or not when you see your child hurting you want to fix it and the hardest thing is knowing you can't.

So, after the talk with the assistant principal and the neurologist and well lets be honest facing a lot of reality. I realized today that at some point we may have to look at putting Cameron in a special Autism school. Something I have struggled with internally and I'm not sure exactly why. He has Autism, so why do I struggle so hard about sending him to a school for Autism? I don't understand why I am struggling so hard with this, but I am. I don't think we're there yet, but I do think it will be something that Bryan and I will have to seriously consider in the future.

I may not have a magic wand, but I am beginning to see that I have something better. I have a son that is teaching me about a life I never imagined....a life that is better than I could have ever imagined.

“If I could snap my fingers and be nonautistic, I would not. Autism is part of what I am.”
― Temple Grandin