Cam woke up and seemed ready to head back to school. He even told us he wanted to go back to school. Which shocked me but I was very happy to hear him say this. Then reality must have set in because once we got to school he changed. This change is not new..every morning he is fine in the car, sometimes even joking around or playing with his toys and then bam! We get to school and he goes from being happy to, well just being a different person. I can see it in his eyes and the tension becomes visible in his body language. I can only guess it is the social aspect that he starts to have anxiety about. Today was no different, but then it became worse when he looked up at the board for his writing assignment and today's was about being in a forest. I knew as soon as I saw the assignment that we were going to have an issue. Cam hates the forest, he has always had a fear of it. You even mention anything about the forest to him and he has a complete panic attack and melts down. So, I tried to talk to him about what he was going to write and I could see the panic in his eyes and he said "I don't ever want to go in the forest mommy, I don't want to write about this". We have had many issues when it comes to the morning writing assignments because if he doesn't like it, doesn't understand it, doesn't agree with it or it's talking about how you feel about something then he just refuses to write or has a complete meltdown. This morning was no different except this time it was something that he feared. I tried to talk to him about it, but once he freezes up like that there is no reasoning or getting through to him. I was just happy that he didn't meltdown this time. I did not want him to start his day off with a complete meltdown, kids and parents staring at him as he screams and cries...not a good way to start any day. So I was trying to look at the positive side and be happy with just the freezing up and refusing to write. His teacher told me not to worry about it and that she would help him. So off I went, worried that his day was going to go terribly wrong because of this.
Pick up time came and he had a pretty good day! For some reason he thought I was coming to have lunch with him so for the first half of lunch he refused to eat and he had two accidents but overall a good day. He seemed in a good mood too, so I thought for sure we were going to have a great afternoon. That lasted until we got into the car and he asked if we could play outside instead of having his speech therapist come today. When I told him no, a huge meltdown occurred. I mean kicking, screaming and pinching himself (I HATE that he hurts himself and REALLY wish that I could stop him from doing this) all came on because of my answer. When we got home I was able to get him in the house and after a little while get him calmed down somewhat. By the time his therapist got to the house he was fine and did great for her. Actually one of the best sessions he has had with her in awhile. His night was ok, he had a big meltdown over his Valentine's for his class. He got upset when we were talking about giving them to his friends because he informed me he doesn't have any friends so the kids are going to laugh at him.
His meltdowns are becoming more and more frequent these days. I know he is going through a lot inside ever since our talk about his Asperger's and I try to ask questions that I think he'll understand to tell me what's wrong but it's not working. The worst part of his meltdowns are when he hurts himself. I don't enjoy the screaming and kicking and throwing of things but I will take that any day over him physically hurting himself. The pinching himself until he bleeds, the knocking his head into the walls, the punching himself...it kills me inside to watch this. I have tried holding him tight, wrapping him in a weighted blanket, you name it I feel like I have tried it and it isn't working. He lets me get close to him and hold him when he's coming down from his meltdown and then he just cries and goes to being a little boy who he is lost in my arms. Tonight I don't feel like supermom...today is one of those days where I am trying to remind myself that this is all a part of our journey and that I am not completely failing him. I don't like pity parties, I try to never do them. But some days the struggles that I watch him go through don't seem fair and the fact that I feel like I can't do anything for him seems overwhelming. Today is one of those days...
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