Today a friend and her son came over and Cameron had a mini meltdown and I said I am sorry to her for it. Not because she seemed to need to hear it, but because I felt as though I had to say it. Then I said I am sorry for how he was playing with her son and again not at all because she seemed to want me to say it or needed me to say it but because I felt as though I had to say it. After she left I felt like I needed to send her a text or a phone call saying again how sorry I am for Cameron's issues and how he doesn't understand how to play "with" a lot of children and how I am sorry for his meltdown, his inappropriate behavior, for him being him. Then I started to think of how I often I say I am sorry each day.
I say I am sorry to family, friends and strangers every day for Cameron's behavior. For him not acting the way other children do or for him having his meltdowns. I say I am sorry that we can't go places in fear that he won't be able to handle it and will act crazy or will not know how to play with the other children and they will get mad at him. I say I am sorry to strangers when he says things that usually are the truth but aren't really appropriate to be said. Or I say I am sorry for him having a meltdown at a store, library, etc because he can't handle something, something is too loud, he is on sensory overload and doesn't know how to handle it, etc. I say I am sorry to family for his issues and that we can't go to everything they think that we should. I say I am sorry to friends because I am usually so preoccupied thinking about everything I have to do for Cameron that I don't listen all of the time when they're talking or I can't go places with them because I have to stay home because Cameron is having a bad day or because Cameron is having a good day and I don't want to miss it because these days it doesn't happen often.
At night after everyone is asleep I cry to God, telling him how sorry I am for failing him each day by my mistakes in being Cameron's mom. I say I am sorry to him that I continue to struggle with Cameron's Autism and accepting that this is our life. I sit there and say how sorry I am that I am not more grateful for this amazing little boy that he gave me and this life that he has blessed me with.
I sneak into my children's bedrooms at night and while they are sleeping I sit there and tell them how sorry I am for the mistakes that I make every day with them. I tell Cameron how sorry I am for always saying I am sorry to other people for him just being him. I tell him I am sorry for struggling with his Autism and all that makes him the wonderful little boy that he is. He lays there sound asleep and I sit there telling him how sorry I am for failing him. I sit next to Peyton as she lays there so sweet and sleeps so sound and tell her how sorry I am for not always being able to give her the attention she deserves because I am so busy with Cameron's therapies, school meetings, doctor's appointments, meltdowns, scheduling, etc. I tell her how sorry I am that she is so little and doesn't understand all of this and I fail her each day with helping her to understand.
I tell Bryan I am sorry every day for not being the wife I should be. I fail him daily and despite it all he loves me unconditionally. I say I am sorry for not always having the house cleaned, dinner cooked, laundry done, etc. I say I am sorry that I am not a better wife to him and that usually if I have had a bad day he is the one who receives the backlash.
I am most sorry to Cameron because by saying I am sorry to the friends, family and strangers for him being him, I am not showing him that I accept him for being the wonderful, interesting, imaginative, caring, funny little boy he is. I am sorry for failing him and trying to make him be someone he is not and can not be. I love him more than words could ever express and I would not change him for anything. He has opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed, an amazing world that I get to see through his eyes.
One day I will stop saying I am sorry so much and I will say different words like "this is him" or "this is my amazing life". I tell him every day how much I love him, now it's time to stop saying I am sorry for him and to truly accept him. I am sorry for not being the mom, wife and friend that I should be...this world of a special needs mom doesn't come easy or come with a manual and I am still figuring it all out. I am sorry.
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