Expect the Unexpected

Our house has come to learn to always expect the unexpected, especially when it comes to Cameron. He had a pretty rough day at school, a big meltdown and had decided when he got in my car at pick up that he was never going back to school again. I had been putting off him putting together this big fossil TRex thing he got from my mom for Christmas because I was worried that it may be too difficult for him. So to cheer him up I told him we could do it today and that's when he informed me he wanted to do it all by himself. I thought oh great, my plan to cheer him up is going to fail miserably if he can't do this by himself. He hit a few bumps when doing it, but he worked through it and he put the entire thing together! I was so proud of him, this project was very hard and he did it. He seemed to be completely over his bad day at school and was happy to have finished his TRex.

Bed time rolls around and as I am reading him a story he says to me "mommy, my Asperger's ya know also called Autism...it makes it hard for me to understand people, right?" Here is where I need to remind myself to always expect the unexpected with him. I finish the book and send Peyton to hang with daddy for a little bit so I can answer his question. I had a talk with him over the summer explaining his Autism to him when he started asking questions about himself. But since then he hasn't brought it up so I was really caught off guard tonight when he asked his question. We started talking about it and I said do you have any other questions about it buddy. His response "yes, does it make me annoying or weird?" My heart immediately sunk, I knew he didn't just make these words up, I knew he had heard them somewhere. I said "Absolutely not, why would would you say this?" Here's the response I knew was coming "because mommy, Blank calls me annoying all the time and today he called me a weirdo. The other day Blank and Blank called me a weirdo too and told me no one likes me or wants to play with me." The bullying is starting and he's only 6! Holding back my tears as much as I could I tried to explain to him that his Autism doesn't make him any of these things and he is an incredible little boy. We have an actual conversation about his Autism, something I think he was ready for and I sat there shocked, saddened and proud all at the same time by some of his questions and thoughts. I asked him if he ever told anyone about his Autism and he said "no mommy, they already call me weird and annoying, I don't want them to laugh at me because of this too, because they don't have this so I know they will make fun of me". My heart is now shattered into a million pieces but I didn't let him know or see this. I tell him that daddy and I are proud of him for having Autism because it makes him the wonderful little boy he is and we start to go through the list of positives. His favorite was that he says it helps him to be so smart about animals and dinosaurs. He turns to me and with this innocent look says "I am so glad you, daddy and Peyton love me and my Autism even if everyone else doesn't". To be six years old, have feelings but not really understand them or how to express them but to know what you're feeling isn't happy thoughts. We talked for a little while longer and then he called Bryan and Peyton in for us to do our nightly prayers. He talked for a few minutes to Bryan about it and Bryan reassures him how much we love him and are always here for him. He gives us hugs and kisses and off to bed he goes, seeming to be feeling a little better.

I am not ready for the bullying, not ready for his differences to come shining through to all of his classmates. I am not ready for Cameron to already be going through all of this but not understanding any of it. But I have no choice, if he has to start dealing with it I, as his mom, his advocate and his biggest fan have to deal with it too. I will say, I caught myself about to say I am sorry you have Autism but instead I said I am proud you have Autism. I am not sorry he has it, it makes him....him. I am sorry for the struggles in life he will have because of it, but I am not sorry he has it. One step at a time and together we'll make it through this journey....