The Spoken Word

After my conversation last night with Cameron about his Autism, I really was not sure what to expect when he woke up this morning. He seemed to be in a good mood, upset that he wasn't allowed to take a toy into school (a new rule that just started yesterday and one that caused a huge meltdown) but other than that he was in a pretty good mood. At drop off this morning I spoke with his teacher about the bullying and as I knew she would because she is an amazing and caring teacher, she said she would take care of it if she witnessed it or if Cameron came and told her about it. Then, once again with Cameron you have to expect the unexpected he walked up to his teacher and said "I have Asperger's which my mommy says is also called Autism and it makes things harder for me." I had never heard him speak those words to anyone and it brought me internally to my knees and tears to my eyes. His teacher without even flinching said "Cameron, it is what helps make you special and it is not a bad thing." He started to talk to her a little bit about it and at one point he said to her "well, ya know it makes it hard for me to understand people and what they are feeling. Like you look really mad right now, are you mad?" As I stood there listening to this conversation I was proud of him, he was talking about it and you could hear in his voice that he was sad about it, but I really don't think he understands why he's sad. He doesn't understand his emotions or others so I am sure he doesn't understand it. His teacher told him "people without Asperger's have issues understanding people, so I don't want you to worry about that today, you're a great kid and I feel lucky to have a kid like you who has Asperger's in my class." I could see a little glimpse of happiness in his face, I was wiping away my tears and he looked at me and said "mommy, she thinks I'm ok" and he walked off. The teacher and I talked for a little bit about it and how she would handle it if he talked about it more to her today and she said she had to hold back tears because of how he was talking to her about it. I left him today with a sad heart because he's starting to realize his differences, I mean really see them. But all he's seeing right now are the bad things. The things that other kids are pointing out to him as being annoying or weird. But he spoke the words...he said "I have Asperger's" and he heard from someone else besides Bryan and me that he was ok.

I picked him up from school to find out he had a better day but a few rough spots. He didn't bring it up again she said, but she said he was a little off. I tried to talk to him but he didn't want to talk, so I didn't push it. I had my first meeting for our Autism Speaks Walk Now For Autism tonight and he and Peyton went with me. There were two other little boys there that are on the Spectrum and they played while we had the meeting. There were a couple of meltdowns for both Cameron and one of the other little boys but for the most part it was a good night.  On the way home he said to me, "mommy does BLANK have Autism like me?" I told him yes and he says to me "thank you for taking me there to play with someone like me". It completely breaks my heart right now that he is going through all of these feelings and doesn't understand any of them. I know because if you has ask him what sad, confused, upset, etc mean he can't tell you. And unless you have a smile on your face he believes you are mad, he doesn't understand any of these emotions. Before bed I gave him an extra kiss goodnight and told him how much I loved him. I didn't bring anything else up, I think he's going through enough and I don't need to bring it up unless he wants to talk about it.

I hope one day, sooner rather than later I can help him to not feel so alone and to not feel like his Autism is a bad thing. Being different isn't a bad thing but we live in a society that makes us all believe it is. My remarkable little boy is laying in bed asleep right now and my hope is when he wakes up tomorrow he is feeling just a little better about himself. He also has his neurologist appointment tomorrow and I am hoping to get some more answers for his mood swings, melt downs, etc. So, tomorrow will hopefully be a day of answers and happy thoughts.